>>> A CATHOLIC CHURCH IN SAN DIEGO WARNED PARISHIONERS THAT
THEY WILL GO TO HELL IF THEY VOTE FOR DEMOCRATS.
HERE TO COMMENT ON THE STATE OF THE ELECTION IS CHURCH LADY.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >> HELLO.
THANK YOU FOR HAVING ME ON YOUR LITTLE MIDNIGHT SHINDIG.
WHAT A DELIGHTFUL JOB YOU HAVE, DON'T YOU?
INSTEAD OF RESTING UP FOR CHURCH YOU STAY UP LATE MAKING JOKES
ABOUT ANTHONY'S WEINER. [ LAUGHTER ]
NOT QUITE THE PATH OF JESUS, IS IT?
[ LAUGHTER ] >> I THINK JESUS APPRECIATES A
GOOD JOKE. >> YES, JESUS LOVES A GOOD JOKE.
SO THAT WOULD LEAVE YOU OUT OF THE EQUATION.
>> I THOUG WE HAD SOME FUN JOKES.
THEY WERE ALL RIGHT. >> WELL, ISN'T THAT SPECIAL?
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >> OKAY.
WHAT ARE YOUR THOUGHTS ABOUT THIS ELECTION?
>> WELL, WE HAVE A TOUGH CHOICE ON TUESDAY, DON'T WE, COLIN?
DO WE VOTE FOR A BITTER FEMALE ANDROID FROM THE '90s OR A
RIVERBOAT GAMBLER WITH A BIG TUMMY AND AN ORANGE HEAD?
[ LAUGHTER ] >> SO YOU HAVEN'T CHOSEN A
CANDIDATE YET? >> WELL, JESUS IS NOT ON THE
BALLOT, COLIN. I SUPPOSE HE'S NOT PART OF YOUR
LIFE EITHER, IS HE? BECAUSE LIKE EVERYONE ELSE IN
HOLLYWOOD YOU'RE A HOMOSEXUAL. [ LAUGHTER ]
>> WHY ARE YOU LAUGHING? I'M ACTUALLY NOT GAY.
[ LAUGHTER ] >> YOU DO GOOD JOKES, COLIN.
SERIOUSLY. STAY THERE.
STAY IN THE CUPBOARD. >> OKAY.
>> COLIN, BY MY COUNT THERE ARE ONLY THREE CELEBRITIES LEFT WHO
AREN'T HOMOSEXUALS. JIM PARSONS,
NEIL PATRICK HARRIS, AND THE WONDERFUL NATHAN LANE.
[ LAUGHTER ] >> ACTUALLY ALL OF THEM ARE GAY.
>> WELL, NEWS FLASH. >> WHY DON'T WE FOCUS ON THE
ELECTION. >> FOCUS ON THE ELECTION.
TUESDAY. YES.
ABSOLUTELY. WHO ARE YOU GOING TO SUPPORT?
>> ME? >> I SUPPOSE YOU WILL WRITE IN
YOUR FAVORITE CANDIDATE -- SATAN!
SURPRISED YOU, DIDN'T I? >> I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE GOING
TO SAY SATAN. I THOUGHT GARY JOHNSON.
>> DON'T MAKE ME DO IT AGAIN. >> I'M NOT VOTING FOR SATAN.
>> OH, WELL, WELL, WELL. JUST A LATE NIGHT COMIC WITH A
BELLY FULL OF BOOZE AND A DRESSING ROOM FULL OF WHORES.
[ LAUGHTER ] YOU'RE DRUNK RIGHT NOW, AREN'T
YOU? >> NO.
>> YES, YOU ARE. >> LITTLE BUZZED.
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ] SMOKING THE POT, AREN'T WE?
[ LAUGHTER ] SUCKING ON THE DEVIL'S
CIGARETTE. >> NO.
>> YOU'RE NOT THE CRISPIEST CHIP IN THE BAG.
>> IS THERE ANYTHING OUT THERE RIGHT NOW THAT YOU ACTUALLY DO
LIKE? >> "WESTWORLD."
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ] >> I LOVE THAT SHOW.
I'M SURPRISED YOU LIKE IT. >> WHAT'S NOT TO LIKE?
NAKED COWBOYS FORNICATING. THEY SHOULD HAVE JUST CALLED IT
WEST HOLLYWOOD. TOO SOON?
SOMETIMES I LOOK AROUND AND I THINK TO MYSELF WHAT A WONDERFUL
WORLD. ♪♪♪
>> YOU'RE NOT GOING TO SING, ARE YOU?
♪ I SEE SKIES OF BLUE RED ROSES, TOO
I SEE THEM BLOOM FOR ME AND YOU ♪
♪ AND I THINK TO MYSELF WHAT A WONDERFUL WORLD
♪ YES, I THINK TO MYSELF ♪ ♪ WHAT A WONDERFUL WORLD ♪
>> CHURCH LADY, EVERYONE. >> THANK YOU.
THANK YOU. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>>> A COUPLE IN RUSSIA INVITED A BEAR TO BE A WITNESS AT THEIR
WEDDING. THERE WERE NO SURVIVORS.
>> A GROUP OF MEN WERE CRITICIZED FOR DROPPING OUT OF A
MALE BIRTH CONTROL STUDY BECAUSE OF SIDE EFFECTS LIKE HEADACHES,
MOOD SWINGS AND ACNE. YOU SEE, THIS IS WHY WOMEN NEED
TO BE IN FULL CONTROL OF ALL REPRODUCTIVE RIGHTS.
BECAUSE MEN AREN'T GOING TO TAKE BIRTH CONTROL BECAUSE PREGNANCY
DOESN'T AFFECT OUR BODIES. WHEN A WOMAN GETS PREGNANT SHE
HAS TO DECIDE WHETHER OR NOT SHE WANTS A HUMAN BEING TO GROW
INSIDE HER. MEANWHILE I GET NINE MONTHS TO
DECIDE WHETHER TO BUY A STROLLER OR A BUS TICKET.
[ LAUGHTER ] USUALLY STROLLER.
MEN WOULDN'T CARE ABOUT SIDE EFFECTS IF IT DID SOMETHING GOOD
FOR US. CIALIS COULD CAUSE BLINDNESS AND
YOU'D STILL HEAR HORNY OLD BLIND DUDES RIDING AROUND IN THE
STREETS LOOKING FOR ASS. [ LAUGHTER ]
WHAT WOMAN WOULD EVEN TRUST A DUDE TO KEEP UP WITH BIRTH
CONTROL? IF A GUY IS RESPONSIBLE ENOUGH
TO KEEP UP WITH HIS BIRTH CONTROL HE WOULDN'T NEED IT
BECAUSE HE'D PROBABLY MAKE A GREAT FATHER.
[ LAUGHTER ] >>> THIS SUNDAY IS THE NEW YORK
CITY MARATHON. THE MARATHON IS A GREAT CHANCE
FOR FOREIGNERS TO PRACTICE RUNNING FOR THEIR LIVES.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >>> FINALLY, IT IS A SPECIAL
NIGHT ON "WEEKEND UPDATE." WITH US TONIGHT ARE THE WINNERS
OF OUR FIRST EVER "THE VOICE" CONTEST.
LET'S MEET THE WINNERS RIGHT NOW.
♪ BUT NOT THE NBC VOICE ♪ >> INTRODUCE YOURSELVES FOR THE
VIEWERS AT HOME. >> I'M ANTHONY RIZZO.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >> I'M DAVID ROSS.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >> AND I AM DEXTER FOWLER.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> I'M BILL MURRAY. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> OKAY. ALL RIGHT.
GUYS, CAN YOU PLEASE PUT INTO WORDS WHAT IT FEELS LIKE TO BE
NAMED THE FIRST WINNERS OF "WEEKEND UPDATE" "THE VOICE"
CONTEST? >> IT'S UNBELIEVABLE.
>> I CAN'T DESCRIBE IT. >> THIS IS THE BEST THING WE
HAVE EVER DONE. >> YOU ON THE END, YOU LOOK
FAMILIAR. DID YOU USED TO WORK HERE?
>> I DID. >> I KNEW IT.
>> BUT THAT WAS SO MANY LIFETIMES AGO.
RIGHT NOW FOR ME IT'S ALL ABOUT OUR MUSIC.
>> AND WHAT SONG WILL YOU BE PERFORMING FOR US?
>> IT IS AN ORIGINAL COMPOSITION ENTITLED "GO CUBS GO ♪
>> THAT SOUNDS FANTASTIC. >> WHO ARE THESE GUYS?
>> THOSE ARE THE BACKUP SINGERS. WE DIDN'T KNOW IT WAS AGAINST
THE RULES. >> WE'LL OVER LOOK IT.
TAKE IT AWAY, GUYS. ♪♪♪
GO CUBS GO GO CUBS GO ♪
>> FOR WEEKEND UPDATE I'M COLIN JOST.
>> AND I'M MICHAEL CHE, GOODNIGHT!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]