One of the things I see a lot of in my office as a therapist are people who are
in love with someone other than their spouse or their significant other. And it
may seem unlikely to you, but this actually happens more than we would want
to consider. I mean most of us think of being with a significant other - a husband
or wife and living our life together. We have kids, we have friends, we have family,
and life goes on, but when you fall in love with someone who's not your spouse
many times it's easy to get overwhelmed with the emotion and you make decisions
based on those emotions rather than looking at it logically. Quite honestly,
you can't look at it logically because you're overwhelmed with what you're
feeling. So what does this feel like when this happens to you? How do you know that
you're in it? Well, it might surprise you, but most of
the time it happens quite unexpectedly. You might start thinking like "I've never
loved like this before. Maybe I've never even loved. Maybe I've been married for
years and I wasn't loving the person like I do this person." You might think
that nobody can understand you as much as this man or woman that you're in love
with. You may think this person is like a soulmate
sent to you from God. You know they heard your answers - they basically heard
everything you wanted and here they are in flesh and blood before you. You might
think that this is the person you're meant to be now since you're getting
this flood of emotion. What I'm going to suggest you do is not going to make
sense because I'm going to tell you to try and work on turning off that emotion and
think rationally. Think with your head, because once you're in this process it
takes on an addiction. You have may have more
endorphins. You might feel like you need this person. You might feel like unless
you see this person, your whole day is going to be shot. None of these are true but
because of the flooded endorphins, it's easy for you to begin understanding and
believing this. What happens next...well, what I would like to happen is that you
would go to a therapist and talk about it. You might tell your spouse. It may be
together the two of you could come up with some ideas; brainstorm about what
would work for you. Maybe starting out with couples counseling would be great,
but overall it's important that you remember you have options, and one of
those options is you can stay in your marriage while continuing a relationship
with the lover. I don't recommend that but some people choose that. You can
leave your marriage for your lover - I don't recommend that either. That usually
turns out disastrous and you end up in the same position later in life with a
new person. You can end the affair yourself and confess to your spouse
what's been going on and try to rebuild the marriage together - that's probably
the best one. Or your lover ends it - that also is a good one because they come to
their senses like, "What am I doing?" The part where I'm saying you come to your
senses. Love wears down and long-term
relationships are built on great friendships. They're built on honesty.
They're never a secret; they're transparent and the very fact that
you're in love with someone that is not your spouse or your significant other -
it's going to be an affair. It's going to be something that is not honest. It's
going to be something that's not true and that's important - that you consider that.
I think the you have to come to a term where you make the right decision. The
right decision is understanding the research. The research that I'm using to
support this is the important thing. No matter what you do, cheating is never a
way to begin a relationship, so I am going to encourage you to find a
therapist. Work with a therapist and begin to understand that this person - if
you stay with them - you will eventually see everything bad about them that you
can't possibly see now. Not only that - when you're with this person you're
going to start noticing what joining them did to those you love most - your
kids, your family, maybe your in-laws, everybody that knew you and knew what
happened. If you're unhappy in your marriage,
go seek counseling and talk about it, but don't cheat if you are with someone you've
fallen in love with or you think you've fallen in love with.
End it, see your therapist, and be open and honest with your spouse and begin
the process of rebuilding that relationship. I hope this helps you, and
let me know if I can help you further with this very difficult situation.