Alright, so not too long ago I got stuck on a rollercoaster
And for me it's a big deal, because when I was a kid I had two reoccurring nightmares
One was having Harry and Marv from Home Alone break into my house
And the other one was getting stuck on a fucking rollecoaster at the very tippy top
So a few weeks ago my girlfriend and I are at amusement park, called Cedar Point
If you've never been there, check it out, it's in Ohio
They got rollecoasters coming out of every orifice, it's nuts!
I was taking a shit there one time, wasn't paying attention, ended up on fucking rollercoaster
Anyways, we're halfway through our trip and we want to take a break
And we want to get some corn dogs
So en route to these $9 corn dogs we see our favourite ride
[The Millenium Force]
And it has a super short way! Usually the line's like an hour and a half long
So I'm like: "Ah, to hell with the corn dogs! Let's get all up on that rollercoaster!"
So we strap in, front seat, it's a big ass coaster, goes like 300ft in the sky
So I'm a little apprehensive, heights are somewhere on my list of top shit that I'm afraid of
We're about to take off, and my girlfriend leans over and she's like:
"Give me one last kiss in case we die out here"
And then we take off
*Boosh!*
Well, that's a completely inappropriate thing to say
When we're about to climb 17,000 fucking stories into the heavens!
So I'm sitting there, contemplating, why she had to mutter out this voodoo curse
Our car just comes to a complete stop
And we're about two-thirds up the hill
You know what feeling when you're taking a mean dump
And you hear the doorknob start to wiggle and your butthole tightens up
Because you know somebody's about to see you poop
Yeah, that's what I felt right there, stuck on top of that ride
And I'm pretty sure everybody's butthole on that ride tightened up at the same time
I swear to God, when I think about it, I'm pretty sure I actually heard it happen
It was like: *SSSSHHHHWWWOOOOOP!*
Everybody's eyes bulging out of their head and shit
And the station starts to radio up to us from the speaker
Guy over the speaker: "Uhhh.. Yellow car? Your ride has temporarily stopped"
"Uuhhhmm.. if you haven't made your peace with God yet, now's the time to do it!"
Okay, cool! So there I am, sitting there, praying to God
And I know God's probably up there like: "Bitch! You only talk to me when you need something!"
"You should've got the corn dogs, dumbass!"
This whole time my girlfriend's catatonic, refuses to remove her hands from her face
And I'm like: "This is what you wanted?! You.. f-fucking.. witch doctor!"
"You cursed us!"
"In case we die on here"
"In case we die on here In case we die on here"
"IN CASE WE DIE ON THIS BETCH"
Everybody down on the ground at this point is hoping that the fuckin' thing just topples over
So they can be on the news
"Oh, I just can't believe this! I wonder what's going through their minds right now!"
[Tyler from the background] "I should've got the fucking corn dogs!"
Meanwhile I'm up there, taking snapchats while everybody's looking at their feet
'Cause if I don't distract myself, I'm gonna lose my mind
Look at me, I almost look happy!
But really I'm just distracting myself so my pants aren't filled with two turds and a puddle of piss
15 minutes go by and some dude in a hard hat comes riding up the hill in a fuckin' bucket
And he stops at this guy, sitting at the ass end of the car
Who was wearing a goddamn GoPro on his head
Yeah, that's right, these assholes stopped the whole ride for a goddamn GoPro
It's not like this dude was wearing a fuckin' double-reel camera from the 1920's on his head
Some dude with the boom mic behind him and shit
They take his GoPro away and then they start the ride up like nothing ever happened
*Boosh!*
Nobody's even having fun at this point
Everybody's worried about the piss sloshing around in their pants
We pull back into the station, and all the people in line just start clapping for us
[Crowd cheering, applause] Like we killed a terrorist up there, or something
Two security guards take camera-face off the coaster, while everybody's trying to hurl rocks at him
*Whooosshh-splat!*
And then Satan himself, or the guy controlling the ride, I mean, is like:
"Hey, sorry that pervert wanted to film the back of your guys' heads"
"Uhhmm.. you guys wanna go again?"
"No, I think I wanna get off"
"You're going again, bud!"
*Click-clack, boosh!*
Ten minutes later, I'm sitting there, trying to eat my fuckin' corn dog
My hands are still shaking and shit
People are looking around, wondering what the hell my problem is
"Eeuuww, what do you think is wrong with that guy?"
"Maybe when he was a kid.. he was abused with a corn dog?"
So, the moral of the story is:
Well, the moral for me at least, is to never pass up on a fuckin' corn dog
Bad shit happens, when you do that
I swear, like, next time I'm gonna be at a friend's house and they're gonna be like:
"Hey, you want a corn dog?"
And I'm like: "YES, I WANT THAT FUCKING CORN DOG!"
If I don't eat that corn dog, some horrible shit's gonna happen
Harry and Marv from Home Alone are gonna bust in here and steal my Talkboy and my two turtledoves
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