I was right next to you when you found out.
I know how devastating it was.
Call me if you need me, all right?
- Okay. -
Oh, my God, my dad's making out
with Stacey Moorehead's mom.
We made a deal to do it together.
I sent my mom the video, and you did nothing on your end.
- I know we made a pact, but-- - No, you broke a pact.
I need to know your story with Farrah.
[Hook]
Nothing's happened between us.
I hate The Crotch.
He undermines everything we do around here.
The principal's son is The Crotch, that is so rad.
[Farrah]
We just have to figure out who it is.
- So you're Cerberus. -
So what do you want from us?
I want in on The Crotch officially.
- Hello, Cerberus. - Hot Jayne found me?
- What you want, Dipankar? - I wanna make a deal with you.
The three of us can be The Crotch.
[upbeat music playing]
[computer rings]
- [Will]
You know, for some reason in this moment,
I really can't wait to see you.
[scoffs] This pose is called the broken cricket.
Guess I'm fantasizing about a broken cricket then.
[scoffs]
[Farrah]
[Will]
[Farrah]
but the rules change so much,
nobody ever really gets good at them.
Ooh la la!
I'm definitely coming home for fall break.
Hmm.
Hopefully you can make some time
for a little broken cricket,
maybe some downward dog.
Okay, don't be gross.
[computer beeping]
You need to get that?
- No, I'm good. - [beeping continues]
Isn't it kind of essential to concentrate
-
- Just go see what they want. - Okay. Bye.
[Farrah]
which are even more ambiguous than love.
The word "rules" implies there are boundaries
everyone agrees you shouldn't cross.
[drumline music playing]
[sighs]
- Don't freak out. - I'm freaking out.
- Don't. - Too late, and my mother's
probably inside the house freaking out right now, too.
Did you try to take the post down?
I can't. He locked me out. Dip is already out of control.
I mean, wasn't the agreement that we're supposed
to work together as a team?
I didn't agree to this post. Did you agree to it?
- You know I didn't. - Exactly. That's what I mean.
He is in violation of some sort of ethics breach.
Calm down, okay? Okay?
The Crotch is like a new toy to him.
He chose the bikini picture for a little shock value.
I don't care about the bikini.
That is my dead dad in that photo, okay,
taken on our last vacation together as a family.
So there's probably more than a little shock value there for me.
[Farrah]
The whole point isn't to be fair.
It's to win.
[grunts]
- [mic feedback] - [theme song plays]
♪ In a manner of speaking ♪
♪ I don't think we'll be speaking at all ♪
[Superintendent Moorehead]
on the Internet is an attack.
Make no mistake about it. The Crotch is a bully.
And as the superintendent, I won't tolerate it.
Here's how we're gonna handle it.
Either The Crotch comes forward and takes responsibility
or all Homecoming events are canceled.
[students murmuring]
[Superintendent Moorehead]
you have until noon to reveal yourself.
Dude, this is crap.
How could they cancel Homecoming?
This is a full-on shit storm.
Shit clouds, shit lightning, shit hail.
I know, but maybe the threat will calm him down a little.
[cell phones chime]
Or make him more insane.
[drumline music playing]
[students exclaiming]
"Come and get me, PILF."
And another photo of my parents from their honeymoon.
What the hell?
So glad I let you talk me into a deal with a sociopath.
How did he get these photos?
Does he even tech your mom's computer?
No, I do all her computer work.
I have no idea how he's getting them.
Look, I'll go talk to him.
Don't piss him off, okay?
Who knows what else this maniac has.
I'll keep it civil.
[sighs]
[phone slams]
[whirring]
How do you have time for official school business
with all this aggressive posting?
You'd be surprised how many kids lose their school IDs per week.
So what, you have to drop those off
at Principal Cowher's office from time to time?
Maybe the office is empty, the computer is unlocked?
Is that how you got the photos?
Seems plausible.
So basically the principal trusts you,
and PILF is how you repay her.
Oh, let's not get all high and mighty.
The other Crotch passed through her vagina,
and he posted about her, too.
Cowher never posted like you do.
She's a public figure in the school.
She's fair game.
By the way, do you think her tits are real?
You're smarter than this, Dip.
You know that these posts aren't going to lead
to an actual working partnership.
But they do make people chatter,
and that's the whole point, isn't it?
It's not very progressive of you to want to censor the post
just because you don't like the content.
Come on, if you want The Crotch deal to work,
you're gonna have to play by the same set of rules
as the rest of us.
[sighs] Ambiguous rules.
Now see, what if I found something damning
on Stacey Moorehead's hard drive?
[scoffs]
Would you be cool if I posted that?
No, and don't bait me.
Oh, am I baiting you?
Or do I actually have something on her
that you're just dying to know about?
I'm not doing this.
Hey, it's almost the noon deadline,
and I assume you're not coming forward.
So I guess Homecoming's toast.
Not like you had a date anyway.
[sighs]
[drumline music playing]
[squeals]
I have never seen you like this.
I know it's so old-fashioned to care about it, like...
Brandon Swain.
- Okay, who are you right now? - I don't know. [laughs]
- What are we talking about? - Oh, just the fact
that Hurley needs a good-looking guy for validation.
Oh.
Kamala Harris is not gonna revoke my pussy hat
because I wanna go to Homecoming with a guy
that I have had a crush on since the second grade.
Since when were you going to ask Brandon Swain to Homecoming?
Brandon Swain asked her to Homecoming this morning.
Just totally out of the blue.
Oh, really? I had no idea you were working on that.
- That's amazing. - Uh, well, yeah, it was amazing
until an hour later when they canceled it.
[scoffs] The Ilo thing ended in suck.
Every other guy ended in suck, and then all of a sudden,
a nice guy likes me, and it's not just any nice guy.
It's Brandon Swain.
Do you know that I scrapbooked
a piece of his chewed gum in the sixth grade?
- That is frightening. - Yeah.
I need a Diet Coke. Anyone want?
[sighs]
Diet Coke? Okay, this is serious.
If only we knew who The Crotch was,
- maybe we could save Homecoming. - Subtle.
Look, I know Cowher wouldn't post those photos of his own mother,
and obviously you didn't,
which means that your new partner has gone rogue.
Oh, very rogue.
I just don't understand the why behind whatever he's doing.
There's no logic to it.
Why does there have to be logic to it?
He might just be one of those people who likes
to see if he can cause a flood one drop at a time.
Those are the worst.
You cannot outsmart people like that.
So are you saying you don't have a plan?
Not yet I don't.
This is bad.
Yeah, no shit.
[Grace] Have you signed the petition to save Homecoming yet?
- Look at you, - Bye.
our little social justice warrior, version 2.0.
Well, I didn't see Farrah helping,
so guess that makes me 1.0.
No, you're the off-brand knockoff.
- Can I talk you for a sec? - Bye, Hook.
Or should I even call you that anymore,
seeing as you haven't actually hooked anyone up
- since your arrest? - Oh, meow.
Cute.
- What is wrong with you? - What's wrong with
You are fully entrenched in Camp Gracie.
So are you, taking a cut of their snack bar thing.
This is different. You've chosen Grace's side.
I don't understand why after all that Farrah's done for us.
Us? Yeah, okay, maybe she's done a lot for you,
- which is shady enough. - She's done nothing for you?
Okay, how about a loyal friendship?
Friendship is about give and take.
Farrah just takes. Grace was right.
I can't think of a single thing Farrah's done for me
that didn't benefit her more.
[knock on door]
You knocked first.
[sighs] I'm evolving.
Why'd you come here?
Did you come to tell me about some convoluted
half-illegalish 10-step plan to take Dipankar down?
No. I don't have a plan.
I have no idea what to do about him.
- Nothing at all? - If we post something,
then we just antagonize him, and he'll post something worse.
I don't know, I just don't-- I don't see our play here.
If you don't have a plan, then why did you come here?
'Cause I know all of this sucks.
I thought maybe you'd want someone to hang out with.
I found something online.
Whoa. That's really awesome.
I mean, it's not that big of a deal.
It was like $6, and I don't even know if it works.
Let's see.
Yeah, I'll have to clean out some battery crust,
but I can get this working.
- Thanks. - You're welcome.
Uh...
Can I see the picture on the box?
No, that's cheating.
[scoffs] Okay, can you at least tell me what the picture is of?
Uh, it's a cityscape.
Okay, what city?
[in French]
Oh, my God, you're such a dork.
Yeah, just, uh, sort the orange ones over here.
[muttering]
[upbeat music playing]
- Farrah? - What's up?
We've been invited to Carlton Moorehead's 50th birthday party.
It's a barbecue at their house.
Have fun.
I know you have some kind of beef with Stacey.
Beef? Very current lingo, Mom.
[sighs]
But her mother's been very good to me since the separation.
- I really need you to go. - You don't
You
Yes. I need someone to talk to.
But I also need someone who loves me
who will stand next to me the entire time
because your dad's invited, too.
Wait, he's not actually planning to attend, is he?
He's still good friends with Carlton, so I assume so.
I don't think that's the best idea.
If he's there, it'll be the first time
that we're at a place together as a family
- since the separation. - [sighs] Mom--
Don't make me stand there by myself, please.
What could be so bad that happened between you and Stacey?
I don't want to get into it.
Fine, don't tell me.
- [sighs] - [sighs]
But just remember you're teenage girls.
You fight. You make up.
All I'm asking is for you to fast-track
- the make-up part for me. - Okay.
Thank you.
[door closes]
[upbeat music playing]
I looked up at the clock, and it was 2:00 AM.
I had wormholed for three hours
looking at dresses for an event that isn't even happening.
[scoffs] What is wrong with me?
Nothing, I think that it's cute
you wanna get some of that Brandon Swain.
I am this close to signing Grace's stupid petition,
and I know petitions don't even work.
Farrah, please tell me you have something
- better than signatures. - Look, I'm working on it.
- What can we do to help? - Nothing yet.
I'll let you know when I have a plan.
Okay, how are we supposed to help her
if she never asks for it?
You act like this is new.
I know, but it's getting worse.
She used to always come to me for help.
You really want Homecoming to happen, don't you?
- I really do. - Yeah, me, too.
Why, who do you wanna go with?
- No, no, no, not for me. For you. - Oh.
I want you to get some of that Brandon Swain.
[squeals]
Your mom's got nice tits.
Hey, dickhead!
Don't talk about my mother.
Be careful what you say next.
- I don't have to say anything. - Really?
Yeah, what're you gonna do, pussy?
[grunting]
[students shouting]
[cameras clicking]
All right! Move away! Move away! Get off him!
- Get off him! Get off him! - [Cowher] Screw you, asshole!
[grunts]
[panting]
[drumline music playing]
[rock music playing]
That was me texting that I was coming in.
[music volume lowers]
Oh, wow, cleaned the radio up. Does it actually work?
Yeah, looks like I have a future in very obsolete technology.
Saw the fight on The Crotch. How you holding up?
Great, he posted about it?
I bet he didn't mention how I knocked his dick in the dirt.
That's not the angle he chose,
but you can write your own version.
Actually, no, you can't. He's crazy.
I've been thinking about it all afternoon.
- I say we expose him. - That would expose us.
- Who cares? - I care. A lot.
And so would your mother.
I mean, it'd be a social disaster for us,
but it would be a career ender for her.
We covered up the Hook Spygate thing.
Look, just deal with it till the end of the week.
I'll fix it.
This sucks.
[sighs]
All right, out with it. What are we talking about?
Guys, friends, grades-- what's going on?
It's none of those things.
I can't help you if you don't talk to me, Farrah.
- It's about the Moorehead's barbecue. - What about it?
The fact that you're actually thinking about going.
Farrah, your mom and I shared the same life
and friends for 17 years.
I mean, Carlton is still a really good friend of mine.
The people we met along the way don't disappear
just 'cause we're-- we're separated.
- Don't do that. - Do what?
I know when you're in spin mode.
I'm not your client. I'm your daughter.
I-I know, honey, and I'm also acutely aware
that there'll be... some discomfort.
[scoffs] Discomfort?
Oh, why do you think there'll be discomfort?
Because my dad was having an affair?
That's no big deal. That happens all the time.
- I should be able to handle that, right? - Farrah.
Or will the real reason for discomfort
at this particular party come from who my dad
- was having an affair with? - What are you saying?
You know what I'm saying.
[clears throat] What do you think you know?
-
I saw the video on Mom's computer, Dad.
Mom doesn't know who the woman is, but I do.
Look--
Don't. Just don't say anything.
Because you're just reminding me of how shitty
and selfish you and Mrs. Moorehead are.
I probably deserve that.
You know what?
I think I'm just gonna go home tonight.
[clears throat]
[typing on cell phone]
[cell phone chimes]
[sighs]
- Tell me you have something. - Why, so you and the Gracie squad
can make money off of Homecoming?
No, this isn't about the money. It's my senior year.
How many Homecomings do you think I'm gonna get?
- Really? - Yeah.
That's actually kind of sweet.
- When'd you get so soft? - Sorry for wanting the memory.
I see, okay, this is-- this is going well.
[sighs]
[drumline music playing]
Any better today?
No photos of my dead dad, so I guess that's a bonus.
Sign my petition?
Oh, a petition. Because those always work.
It's called grassroots organizing.
Most people would call it a waste of time.
I'm making honest and authentic connections with real people,
which I know isn't really your bag.
Oh, honest and authentic connections with people
who just now think you're the greatest.
You act like you run this place or... used to.
But, really, you're just another girl hiding
all her insecurities behind a giant wall of arrogance.
[clicks tongue] Oh...
then why are you trying so hard to be me?
Nice style, Grace. Where'd you get it?
[upbeat music playing]
[school bell rings, cell phones chime]
[drumline music playing]
[students murmuring]
-Did you see this? - Hell, yeah.
You showed someone these?
[grunts]
Dip posted some Hurley sexts,
and they weren't with Brandon Swain.
They were old. [sighs]
- This is a disaster. - Tally-ho.
[indistinct chatter]
Dipankar's a lunatic.
Okay, cloud hacks, e-mail hacks
are supposed to happen to corporations
or famous people, not regular kids.
Yeah, I don't know what to do about it.
Well, we have to do
I said I don't know what to do!
[locker slams]
[sighs]
[locker closes]
Farrah, this shit is out of control.
What's going on here?
[panting]
[cell phone chimes]
[pop music plays]
[woman singing in French]
[cell phone chimes]
[laughs]
[woman singing in French]
You know, I really love this place.
Yeah.
I was good at high school.
Oh, I remember. [laughs]
Too bad about Homecoming, huh?
Hmm.
Kind of a huge misstep by Cowher with that post.
I mean, what is going on in his house
that he put up those photos?
I don't know. I'm just focused on fixing it.
Think you could get him to, like, use a Crotch post
to strong-arm the administration to change their minds?
I don't think that's possible.
Here I was hoping you'd ask me to the dance.
Come on, like you'd really go if I asked.
You kidding? I'd totally go.
Well, there is one plan I have about Homecoming
that I've been thinking about.
Yeah? Why just thinking?
Because I'd have to play a card I'm not sure I want to play.
Sounds like it could be ugly.
Yeah, it has that potential.
[woman singing in French]
[people chattering]
[indistinct chatter]
Hey, Far, so glad you made it.
I haven't seen you since we redid the backyard.
Yeah, it's been a long time.
So what do you think of the new patio furniture?
- I got a great deal. - Oh, congrats.
It must be great to make a deal with someone
and really feel like you walked away with something.
Okay, well, you've always had great taste.
Give these to your dad.
I'm gonna go say hi to the Billets.
Okay.
I know it's not ideal, but, um...
thanks for coming.
"Not ideal" implies a degree of ideality
that is not present here.
[sighs] Okay, well, I'm gonna go give these to my dad.
Oh, I'm definitely not stopping you, so.
[scoffs]
[indistinct chatter]
- What's up? - I can't stop thinking
about you chatting up Farrah the other day.
Chatting up. You sure that's what you saw?
I definitely saw two people who,
for whatever reason, needed to be alone to talk.
You're still on this? Or is Grace feeding you lines?
You have to admit that you and Farrah
do have an interesting relationship.
Farrah doesn't treat me any different
than any of my other friends.
I think the bigger issue is, why can't you accept that?
God, it's so crazy every time her name comes up,
you find some way to defend her.
I wouldn't defend her if I thought she was wrong.
I wouldn't have to defend her if you just trusted me.
Yeah, I see whose side you're on here, and it's not mine, never been.
I'm sorry that you think that, but I know what Farrah and I are,
and the fact that you refuse to see that,
that is a you problem.
[scoffs]
Right, then maybe it's time I relieve you
- of this me problem. - What is that supposed to mean?
You know what it means.
[sighs]
[people chattering]
[door opens]
You looking for something?
So this is where grassroots organizing leads.
I read the petition.
Doesn't mean I need to react to it.
So Homecoming's dead?
Nothing can be done to make you react?
The Crotch didn't come forward before the deadline.
A person in my position can't make a threat
and then not follow through on it.
But you're punishing the entire school
- for the actions of one person. - I'm trying to save my students
from going through unnecessary trauma.
So there's nothing I can say to persuade you
to change your mind about Homecoming.
[clicks tongue] Oh, Disneyland.
You know, Stacey talked about this Princess dinner for months.
- [chuckles] - You guys look so happy here.
That was a very expensive trip for us at the time,
but that look on Stacey's face was totally worth it.
- Hmm. - [chuckles]
Yeah, I get it.
Family moments are precious.
Speaking of, did you know my dad was invited to this party?
Turns out he couldn't make it. Did you notice that he was gone?
Why do you ask?
You and my mom have been such good friends
since the separation.
It's really nice how you flew to her side
- the moment he left. - She needed a friend.
That's so sweet of you.
I know Carlton still talks to my dad.
Do you still talk to my dad?
No, I don't.
But you used to. A lot.
Especially on weekday afternoons, right?
So you've known the whole time.
Who else knows about this?
Nobody. Yet.
I'm gonna need you to reconsider Homecoming.
From where I stand, my family's destroyed,
and nothing has happened to yours, and even worse,
you're still friends with my mom.
Nothing in your world has changed.
If my mom knew the truth, she would never talk you again.
I'm pretty sure your husband wouldn't like it
if he knew about the affair either.
My husband does know about the affair.
What?
And it's took some time, but he understood
because we were in a very lonely place at the time,
the same lonely place your dad was in.
But after a lot of tears, here I am with my husband
smiling at his 50th birthday party.
You're young, and I can't expect you
to understand all the dynamics at play
that went into what happened, but coming at me with it
in my home is so beyond misguided.
I can't stop you from telling your mom
if that's what you really want to do,
but you're gonna force her to relive it all over again.
Hand me those candles, will you?
Second drawer.
[drawer opens]
I get that I played a major role
in what broke your family apart,
and I know it hurts,
but I also know that throwing your anger in my face,
it isn't gonna help you.
[sighs]
I see how you carry yourself around school,
but the reality is, you're still a kid.
You've got a lot of living to do.
Just don't do it carrying all this hate with you.
[Farrah]
Both usually end in heartbreak.
[car door opens and shuts]
I assume you got a text or a call from someone.
I did.
You don't have to say it. I was really stupid today.
No. Well, I wasn't gonna call you stupid.
I just wanted to-- to be here.
Come here, honey.
[sighs]
You know...
as faulted as I can be and-- and have been,
it will never change how much I love you.
[kiss]
Yeah.
[Farrah]
that playing dirty myself would feel better,
but it didn't.
[Superintendent Moorehead]
I take your safety very seriously,
and The Crotch threatens your safety
and all of us as a community.
Seeing all those names on the petition
reminded me of what a fragile community this is
and it made me realize that punishing the whole
for the actions of one didn't feel fair either.
-
But that isn't to say we aren't still pursuing The Crotch.
We are even more dedicated than ever.
- [girl] It's Grace! - [boy] It's Grace!
[applause]
[upbeat music playing]
We both know her petition didn't work, right?
Well,
[Farrah]
was never going to feel like a win to me.
What are you doing in there?
[sighs] Okay, be honest, is it too much?
Oh, my God, no, you look perfect.
- It's amazing. - Really?
- Yeah. - Okay.
[Farrah]
that Hurley was getting her glass-slipper moment...
I knew that somewhere else,
the other shoe was about to drop.
[typing]
♪ There's poison in your eyes... ♪
[taps key, computer whooshes]
♪ There's poison in your eyes... ♪
Music featured in this episode of
♪ There's poison in your eyes ♪
[woman singing in French]
♪ Hello, my name is wind ♪
♪ I'm flying over you and I see those things you do ♪
♪ Should never grow here ♪
♪ Should never try ♪
♪ No holes ♪