I feel like everyone's first relationship is something that you just look back on and you're like, "woow!"
Unless, of course, you're one of those people who have the perfect first relationship
and you end up getting married
and having six kids and living the rest of your life happily ever after
But we're not talking about those freaks.
My first relationship was when I was 12 years old
I learned to wipe my own ass less than a decade earlier
It's just crazy for me to imagine a 12 year old having a relationship
Especially when I look back at pictures of me when I was 12
And remember I look like-
I don't- I almost don't want to show you
I look like THIS
Got some REALLY nice frosted tips
(Dramatic music)
VERY popular in that year of 1999
And I was too scared to go full-blown blonde with my frosted tips
So I asked the hair-dresser to give me burgundy tips.
(sound of regret)
Yeah, I don't- Why burgundy?
What kind of a serial-kid 12 year-old knows about
knows about the color burgundy?
I'm like, "mhhhm, burgundy. It's the color blood is made of."
I was pioneering the online dating scene.
This was in 1999
Before Tinder. Before Snapchat, Instagram, Facebook, Myspace
LiveJournal, Friendster, Deviantart, SpaceJam.com
I was using AOL. America Online.
I should've know when they gave "online" an acronym of "OL"
instead of just "O." They should've really just been called AO
There was this feature on AOL that let you search
people's ages and which school they went to
they could've just renamed this feature to "Pedophile Paradise"
because I'm pretty damn sure that girl I used to
chat with, LooneyGirl87, was not ACTUALLY 12/F/FL
but was actually 57/ don't assume my gender/ my mom's basement
so I typed my age
(typing noises)
and then my school
(more typing)
This was it. Finally, the moment I've been waiting my entire life for
The moment I'd finally talk to a girl online that I could actually meet ~in person~
(Click)
No results.
Young Anthony: Fuck.
Older: Except I didn't say that word then
I-I would've said:
Young Anthony: Fudge
So I changed the age to 13
(Typing Noises from a click-y keyboard)
FINALLY (inhale) A HUMAN FEMALE THAT I CAN MEET IN PERSON THAT I CAN TALK TO ONLINE
(inhale) YES! YEES! YE-
I was not having an orgasm
So I sent her an instant message and waited.
Aaaand waited
(Young Anthony breathing)
(Message Alert noise
Finally. A response.
I can't explain to you what this feeling felt like
the overwhelming butterflies of receiving an instant message
from a human girl in 1999
those pixelated words might as well have been a
full-blown nude photo of a woman
(Young Anthony gasping and fainting)
I told her I'd meet her in person at school the next day after lunch
by the tetherballs.
She said- (Instant Message Received notification)
So I did what anyone would do in this situation.
Without a beat passing- Without letting the conversation rest AT ALL
I responded to her immediately and asked,
Young Anthony: Will you be my girlfriend?
(Exasperated) What the fuck? What was I thinking?
I'd literally seen less than 20 pixelated words
from her pop-up on my monitor
and I'm like," I'm ready to take this relationship to the next level."
She said-
She literally said, "okay." (Laughing) Just the word, "okay"
Okay. Okay
OKAY. OKAY! (claps) FUCK YEAH
12 YEAR-OLD ANTHONY'S GOT A GIRLFRIEND
The next day at lunch was probably the most anxiety
I'd ever felt in my life. I scarfed down those dunkaroos
And nervously crept out on the black-top where I was going to meet my girlfriend.
I might also add that this girl was in the 8th grade while I was in the 7th so
I had a l o t riding on this. I was about to be the coolest
kid in school when everyone saw ME, a 7th grader, talking to
my girlfriend, an 8th grader. (Playboy music)
I scanned every girl in the blacktop. All I knew
was that my girlfriend had red hair and her name was
Mishaela
NOT Michaela but then, I heard my name
(Slow-motion 13 year-old Mishaela): Anthony?
I slowly turn around and I see her
Standing there. She was absolutely beautiful
or at least as beautiful as a 13 year-old could be to a 12 year-old
But then I saw it. She had.. A little bit of snot dripping
down her left nostril (DUUNN)
12 year-old me was absolutely repulsed by
the idea that a natural bodily function
could happen to someone in a moment like this
So, I called it quits.
That's right, my first relationship consisted of about 20
pixelated words on a computer screen and
hearing a girl say my name from over my shoulder.
Killing it. Really setting a precedent for my entire life.
I hope the take-away from this will be that if
you are on the opposite side of a story like this
just know that things WILL get better.
And the persn that saw that embarrassing thing
happen to you will remember it forever and make a video about it 17 years later.
So I guess life doesn't actually become easier
It just becomes more tolerable
as you become more and more numb
to your life as it exponentially feels shorter and shorter
as you wither away in a routine (inhale) living an unfulfilling
,numb life until you die.
Shout-out to these amazing people who comment on
my instagram and make sure my ego always stays grounded
You know, never let me inflate too much and feel too good about myself
Thank you so much, this is the kind of stuff I like to see on my instagram
And make sure to subscribe and ring the bell
I'm guessing it's right there.
if you want to see my face in your sub-box because you are a sadistic fuck.
Alright, imma blow you a kiss good-bye.
This is completely platonic by the way
Not a- not a thing here- Just wanna see if you can catch it
(kisses hand) (blows air)
(laughing) Bye.