what technique do you use to not lose your temper with your wife oh when you
know she's wrong and refuses to budge well this is kind of a this question is
actually moot because my wife is never wrong so so number one losing your
temper losing your temper is weak it's actually weak it's actually weak to lose
your temper it actually is a loss of control when you lose your temper and
losing control is also weak so we don't we don't want to lose our temper that's
that's one of our goals so again just like prioritize execute what do you do
when you start feeling yourself losing your temper
stop take a step back detach from it breathe and then you gotta think about
the long term victory and we've talked about this before we've talked about
this before proving that your right to your wife is not necessarily the best
goal to have what you want to do is you wanna you wanna win the war not that one
battle the one battle doesn't even matter I mean what is this stupid
argument about anyways it's not about something that matters it isn't I can
almost guarantee it's not about something that matters it's about some
random thing that doesn't matter in the big picture at all so why are you
getting upset about it why are you losing control why are you losing your
temper you can't do that you can't do that so when you feel like it what
you're coming up against thee this is some sue you know you're going against a
heavily defended position don't attack the heavily defended position if your
wife is not admitting that she's wrong and she's refusing to budge what have
you what are you doing what you're attacking her you're actually attacking
a heavily defended position son sue told you not to do that twenty-five hundred
years ago and it holds true to this day so what are you gonna do when they're
when they're not budging you're gonna flank
you're gonna flank them you new around to the outside and come in from another
angle that they weren't expecting you know maybe that other angle looks like
flowers maybe the other angle looks like dinner maybe it looks like maybe it just
looks like changing the subject to something that they can be more flexible
mentally on mm-hmm because if you if you go against that
harden position I can almost guarantee you it's not gonna they're not gonna
budge on it and all you with what you're gonna do to try and get them to budgets
you're gonna escalate yourself oh you're not budging they hit it harder oh you're
still not budging I'm gonna go even harder you're still not budging and
going even harder there that whole time every time you're going harder they're
digging the defenses in deeper deeper deeper you know and they're remembering
how how mean you were or whatever especially if you're in a in a lost
temper situation oh yeah now you're now you're taking serious detriment to your
long-term war yeah because you've now you've given them ammunition you've
given them ammunition for future use bad move it's a bad move so again what isn't
what the who's right and who's wrong is just not important it's so hard to get
through people's head who's right and who's wrong on some little tactical
babble battle of today that really has no bearing on anything in the world this
is not something to be concerned about you know so it might be your own ego
that wants to be right have we thought about that factor have we thought about
that you as a man as a husband you want to be right - so guess who the person
that isn't budge guess who the person that does isn't budging is it's you it's
you now you might be quote-unquote right but it doesn't matter you're the person
that won't budge now neither one of you will budge neither one of you a budge
we're not in a good situation we're just in an escalating war of destruction and
we don't want that because we want to win the long-term
strategic war that's what we're looking at just the long-term strategic war the
little stuff in between we just not concerned about yeah yeah fully and the
whole not budging thing to like that that hurts and I think about this early
on in my relationship where I would get we'd get in like you know little
arguments or whatever varying levels and sometimes she would like can you even
come up with an example of something you'd argue about because as I was
trying to think as I was sitting here as I was answering this question I was
trying to think of a good example he's they're all so stupid
yes oh yeah good example no yeah that's hard not really this button so she would
be like oh I just don't want to talk about it anymore
but meanwhile I'm still salty like hey we didn't resolve this you know there's
certainly code words like a safe word that girls that women that guys have it
too but in particular I've noticed it with some of my friends wives and one of
my wife's she'll say doesn't it doesn't matter what do you mean buzzword like a
code note it's a it's a red flag so okay it'll just be a little be a
giant red flag that she's that she's angry she doesn't have nothing I say is
gonna matter anymore she's not gonna change her mind
and she's just gonna go forward she'll be like Oh doesn't matter I'm like Oh
morning yeah Big H is angry that's what it means
so when I hear her say it doesn't matter I just realize okay I'm stand now I just
hid in a heavily defended position you know and I'm gonna stop attacking it
mm-hmm I'm gonna flank I'm gonna talk about
something else I'm coming in from the side hatch that's
what I'm gonna do yeah yeah man I wish I would have known that long time ago I
think that when there's wait what did you just say that your wife said to you
cuz you just said a code word I mean uh I don't want to talk about it I don't
want there you go that's another one you don't want to talk about this that's
that's that's a red flag well in my mind it was like let's talk
about it I try it would try to do it in rusev way likes you know like a
problem-solving kind of way but she she just didn't feel the same way about the
whole situation you know she handles it different and you know ultimately I
still feel like if two people are willing to talk it out kind of without
too much emotion I think that's that's a an effective way to do it but
nonetheless what this would cause is and this is going back to people not budging
so what that would cause is all this time that would go on that we're not on
good terms you know because I want to talk about she doesn't want to talk
about it she just wants to I don't know good a bit you know me why I am with the
philosophy of don't go to bed an argument or whatever you know but
meanwhile we're at odds even just a little bit even if we don't talk about
it she forgets about it I'm still at odds I'm not budging with my philosophy
you know so at the end of the day when you look back at all the minutes all the
hours all the days that you've spent with each other and now you have that
that that sum of moments that you're at odds you look at your relationship
you're like man this relationship isn't that good because you spent that much
time at odds with each other yeah just because you didn't want to budge yes so
you got a budge you got a buddy one of my buddies I was hanging around
having his wife and uh her her little buzz words where I was like oh hey I
picked up on it pretty quickly she would say that's fine and I was like and at
first you know first couple times I was like oh it's fine with her and then I
realize that does not mean that's fine I think that's kind of come a common
knowledge one though would world like you can't man up in the matter that's
fine fine whatever well or whatever is offensive though oh yeah what they know
if they say whatever then that that means that's fighting words because if
you'll notice that's fine and it doesn't matter right they are all they are all
like sort of passive yeah a way of saying like oh let's just move on yeah I
don't want to talk about it that one's a borderline yeah or it's like earlier
it's like one so what's good is when you're when you detach from these
situations you start to pick up on these things that
your significant other and also there's when you're in a relationship you're in
a team building in VAR a team environment or you're in a business you
start to realize that guys or people you work with will have the same thing will
they'll say you know what it's your call mmm okay I know it's my call but I'm not
trying to impose this plan on you let's let's figure it out no it's your call
we'll go ahead yeah so that means you clearly don't agree with it of course
you can't say this to him because they're already dug in on the fact that
you're you know that you're wrong so those little red flags you gotta look
out for in the world yeah so and you back in and that's a complex thing
because you know when someone says fine you know what's wrong what's wrong
nothing right oh no you know or you have reason to believe that it's not fine
especially the find or that's fine you have good reason to believe that it's
not fine right so in your mind it's logical to think hey you shouldn't say
you're fine when you're not fine you actively chose to say you're fine when
you're not fine factually so it's easy to come to that logical conclusion but
there's there's your problem right no it's just it's not that simple
it's not that black and white so and I'm saying this because I kind of up until
really recently I thought that hey look I'm not really wrong with this thing I
asked you this very specific question if you're saying you're fine it's it's like
it doesn't even matter what you say I have to read like your your mind or your
your body language and like everything you know and disregard your words and
only under these circumstances not when you when I say hey do you need
I don't know milk from the store you say no I know you mean yeah you know it
doesn't work like that it's only under this circumstance so it's like an
thinking hey man that's kind of that's not very good that's that's a bad thing
and a habit to get in so if you're not fine you should say you're not fine
that's my logic is what I'm saying but here's the thing when you're in a
relationship with someone and I start understanding starts at the beginning
where you're trying to figure all this stuff out that's what the beginning I
really shift for but after a while you start to know okay I know that tone I
know when you say fine what the thing that's jacked up is when
people don't realize that what the deadness as a code word that means
something else right right hey what is signifying is you are coming up against
a heavily defended area I'm not changing my mind but I'm not gonna sit here and
argue about it so you know what doesn't matter is what my wife would say yeah Oh
doesn't matter it matters one when Sarah would say I don't want to argue I don't
want to argue about this it's it's fine let's not talk about it that would
enrage me for further not like I'm not a lose temper kind of whatever but um
Yury frustrate you it wouldn't make me like no we have to go to it's like you
know if you have like fucking like a like a splinter like if you have a
splinter in your hand or something not talking about it is like I just leave it
let the skin grow over it and you're you'll be fine
and the thing is you probably will be fuck we still got that splinter in there
me I'm like ok let's talk about let's open it up and get the splinter out but
she's like nah you know I always read a man ripping that splinter out yeah and I
know sometimes the again you're going up against a hardened defensive area and
that's what I'm talking about here that's what the question is the question
is how do you not lose your temper with your wife when you know she's wrong and
she refused to put you know how you know you don't do it you know how you
maintain your temper you realize that you're in a you're in a strategic
situation where you're just gonna win strategically yeah I'm gonna outsmart
you're gonna help maneuver you're gonna out manipulate I'm sorry
you couldn't manipulate this situation that's what you're gonna do and you're
gonna make her think you know what man I was kind of a jerk last night to my
wonderful husband yeah yeah that's what we were yeah you got to do it in this
genuine way you know like real genuine and open and inform no one wants to
attack you when you're in that state you know so that's what you do meet my wife
no rub telling you maybe if you switch all of a sudden
and she's like eight is the trick but if you're like if you put it on yes you're
just disarming them right yes exactly you disarmed him but man it's hard to do
when you lose your temper I I answered a question the other day I was at an event
and I answered her question I was like listen do not take marriage advice from
me because the question will it's a long story but the question was about you
know how do you do your job when you have all this pressure and how do you
maintain your family and I kind of went through the story of like hey you know
my family came second mm-hmm and it's really hard for people
understand and I went through the whole thing and now they've got the end I said
listen don't take marriage advice for me and everything kind of laughed but uh
but in a situation like this actually take marriage advice from me right yeah
don't attack defended positions I've said that forty seven times right now
yeah and it's not to say that you've never attacked defended I don't know if
you ever have it with your wife but I'm just saying that sounds like good
objective advice yeah I I don't I probably haven't done that and so long
it's a good they took one if we got asked on the podcast when was the we got
asked this on the podcast when is the last time that you were dug in on a on a
position and how did you admit that you were wrong and I was like man I haven't
been dug in on our position in years I don't even remember yeah so it's the
same thing here why do I attack my wife in a defended position something that
she's super crazy and passionate about not going near that thing yeah yeah the
losing your temper thing to men I learn and I said I mentioned this before where
I'd learned about just getting mad in general from this book called mind games
this teeny tiny little book one chapter was not even one page and at your first
review on the podcast you can be the reviewer some of them were like puzzles
you know to see how your mind works anyway so but it what it did was
indicate that was there Plinko involved
that's price is right anyway what it indicated was that losing
your temper or having anger issues anger management issues is was is it will it
was a result of low self-esteem so exactly right and that's how I always
felt when you know in like elementary school Intermediate School when you talk
about self-esteem or whatever in SLO self-esteem high selves be like man
that's so embarrassing that low self-esteem it was too like I'm almost
like a pride thing you know where I would even if I really felt like doing
something or whatever out if it indicated overtly that I had a low
self-esteem if I did I wouldn't do it it was like really I mean I do you think
that paranoia was caused by a low self-esteem in a way I probably so it's
like that you know this feels switcheroo there but so now I took that like times
to where it said look everyone gets angry it's a natural part of life but if
you have anger management issues it is most likely from a low self esteem so I
took that as if I ever get angry that's low self esteem so man that would be on
my mind every single time where any time I felt myself getting mad at me like
nope and all low self esteem so what that did those trained me to ever to
lose my temper that's if I felt like I think but anyway
it's I think that's kind of the thing to check though you know where yeah you're
losing your temper alert I was like man what's what's up with you for shooting
your temper don't lose your temper that's yeah for sure hey you know that
Splinter analogy I gave man bro I'm telling you okay so this one time and it
wasn't me it was Jake he had a splinter we were young he had a splinter in his
hand we were like young like it's like five
mmm I know this because we're living in this specific house that I remember it
anyway need to tell us about that anyway he had a splinter nose deep so my mom's
like hey we got to get it out we got a you know use a like a tweezers or
something it's like no no no and he put up this full-on what do you call it like
a pardon defense mm-hmm we're not getting that splinter out because he's
crying scared you know all this stuff so my mom did was all right you know let's
don't take out the Splinter what he did what she did was wait for him to go to
sleep she knew you just take out the Splinter and it may or may not hurt for
like a second but who cares wait waited for him to go
sleep like a little nap she goes in there gently and just picks
it up boom problem solved later basically mama Charles flanked
them she flanked them totally flanked them then pajama props to props the mama
Charles