- YOU WERE RAISED BY YOUR DAD IN WASHINGTON.
- THERE WAS A TIME WHEN MY DAD WAS SINGLE.
HE IS MARRIED NOW,
BUT, YES, I WAS RAISED BY HIM IN WASHINGTON.
- AND YOU'VE SPOKEN ABOUT YOUR DAD A LOT,
AND NOW YOUR DAD'S IN THE AUDIENCE,
AND WE GET A CHANCE TO HEAR FROM HIM
WHAT HE THINKS OF YOU.
[cheers and applause]
HI, DAD. WHAT'S HIS NAME?
- LARRY. - LARRY.
HEY, LARRY. - HI, ELLEN.
- HOW ARE YOU? - I'M FINE. HOW ARE YOU?
- I'M FANTASTIC. THANK YOU FOR ASKING.
WHAT KIND OF DAUGHTER--
I THINK SHE'S FANTASTIC,
BUT YOU TELL US.
- SHE WAS A GREAT KID. - YEAH?
- YEAH.
YOU KNOW, MOST OF-- [laughs]
- MORE. MORE.
- ALL HER YOUNG LIFE SHE WANTED TO BE A JOCKEY,
BUT WHEN SHE GOT TO HIGH SCHOOL,
ALL OF A SUDDEN SHE DECIDED ACTING WAS THE THING.
- OH.
- AND SO THEN SHE LEFT THE HORSES BEHIND.
- WELL-- [laughs]
YOU LEFT A HORSE'S BEHIND.
[laughter]
YOU STILL HAVE HORSES.
- I DON'T RIGHT NOW, BUT I ALSO GREW TO BE 5'9",
WHICH IS AN INCONVENIENT HEIGHT FOR A JOCKEY.
SO I HAD TO FIND A NEW DREAM.
- WELL, SHE'S DONE ALL RIGHT.
- SHE'S DONE OKAY. - YEAH.
AND ST. PATRICK'S DAY
IS PROBABLY A BIG CELEBRATION FOR YOU, RIGHT?
- WELL, WE ARE OF IRISH DESCENT,
AND, I MEAN, I HAVE A LIGHT-UP CROWN
THAT SAYS "KISS ME, I'M IRISH," SO...
IT'S PRETTY MUCH A PARTY RIGHT THERE.
- RIGHT.
- BUT I ALWAYS THINK IT'S FUNNY
IN THE WORLD OF OUR FAMILY HISTORY
THAT OUR CLAN, THE GRAHAM MOTTO, IS "NE OUBLIE,"
WHICH MEANS "DO NOT FORGET,"
AND WE'RE, LIKE, THE MOST FORGETFUL PEOPLE EVER ALIVE,
AND THERE ARE FAMOUS STORIES, ESPECIALLY OF MY DAD,
WHO SOMEHOW HAS RUN A COMPANY ALL THESE YEARS.
BUT, LIKE, DRIVING TO WORK WITH, LIKE, THE COFFEE
ON THE TOP OF THE CAR, LIKE, THE WHOLE TIME.
OR, LIKE, HIS BRAND-NEW CHRISTMAS CAMERA
OR SOMETHING ON TOP OF THE CAR.
AND THEN SOME OF HIS BEST--
OR SOMETIMES WHEN HE FORGETS TO DRESS HIMSELF PROPERLY.
- WHAT DOES HE FORGET--
WHAT PART ARE YOU FORGETTING TO PUT ON?
LARRY?
- IT'S MORE THAT--
WELL, HE'S FAMOUS IN THE OFFICE,
AND HE'S DONE THIS MORE THAN THREE TIMES,
FOR WEARING TWO DIFFERENT SHOES.
- WOW.
- LIKE, NOT EVEN TWO DIFFERENT BLACK SHOES,
BUT A DIFFERENT COLOR SHOE ENTIRELY.
I ALSO WANT TO SAY MY DAD IS RETIRING THIS YEAR,
AND HE'S BEEN ON SORT OF A RETIREMENT WORLD TOUR,
WHICH I GUESS INCLUDES STEALING MY THUNDER
ON THE "ELLEN" SHOW.
HE WAS LIKE, "OH, I HAPPEN TO BE IN TOWN."
I WAS LIKE, "YOU HAPPEN TO BE IN TOWN?"
HE'S LIKE, "I REFRESHED MY BOTOX AND EVERYTHING."
THAT'S NOT TRUE.
- IT'S WORKING. YOU LOOK FANTASTIC.
- NO, BUT HE'S RETIRING THIS YEAR,
AND IT'S A VERY EXCITING TIME.
- IT IS EXCITING TO RETIRE,
ESPECIALLY ONCE YOU'RE INDUCTED
INTO THE CANDY HALL OF FAME.
THAT'S A BIG DEAL.
AND HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY TO YOU, AS WELL.
DID YOU HAVE A WONDERFUL BIRTHDAY?
[applause]
- THANK YOU.
YOU KNOW, THIS AGING THING,
I'VE REALLY GOT IT DOWN.
I DID. I HAD A REALLY NICE BIRTHDAY.
I SPENT IT WITH MY BOYFRIEND AND HIS SON,
AND THEY GAVE ME SOME NICE GIFTS.
- I HEARD YOU GOT SOMETHING FROM ME.
- I DID, BUT I DON'T REMEMBER WHAT IT IS.
[laughter]
WHAT?
OH, OH, OH!
I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.
[laughing]
- I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW ABOUT IT
UNTIL THIS MORNING IN THE MEETING.
- OH, MY GOD.
I DIDN'T KNOW THAT IT WAS FOR MY BIRTHDAY.
I APOLOGIZE.
I GOT A CHECK RECENTLY FROM THE "ELLEN" SHOW THAT--
AND I WAS SO EXCITED.
THANK YOU SO MUCH.
AND THIS IS A TRUE STORY.
IT WAS FOR ONE PENNY.
[laughter]
- DO YOU HAVE IT WITH YOU BY ANY CHANCE?
- I HAD--NO, I HAD A PICTURE OF IT,
BUT IT'S A VERY CORPORATE LOOKING CHECK,
SO--I DON'T KNOW.
- AND IT SAYS ONE PENNY?
- AND IT CAME IN THE MAIL,
AND I HAD TO ASK SOMEBODY HOW MUCH STAMPS ARE
BECAUSE I NEVER SEND ANYTHING IN THE MAIL ANYMORE.
THEY'RE 49 CENTS TO SEND ME A ONE PENNY CHECK.
- THAT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE.
- AND I HAD THIS VISION.
I WAS LIKE, BECAUSE OF COURSE I THINK
THAT YOU WRITE ALL YOUR CHECKS PERSONALLY,
AND I THOUGHT, LIKE, YOU WOKE UP IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT,
LIKE, "I DIDN'T GIVE LAUREN EVERYTHING SHE DESERVED.
"WHAT CAN I DO FOR HER?
WHAT MORE CAN I DO?"
AND YOU, LIKE, SAT DOWN WITH YOUR, LIKE, GIANT CHECKBOOK
AND YOU WERE LIKE, "YES, NOW I FEEL GOOD.
JUST THAT ONE PENNY."
- I DON'T EVEN UNDERSTAND THAT.
I HEARD THAT THIS MORNING.
IT'S CLEARLY A RESIDUAL.
WE MUST HAVE USED YOU IN A MONTAGE,
AND YOU GOT A PERCENTAGE OF SOMETHING--
- BUT, I MEAN, EVEN ON MY WORST DAY,
WHAT WORK DO I DO FOR YOU THAT IS ONLY WORTH A PENNY?
[cheers and applause]
- YOU GOT A POINT.
I'M GONNA LOOK IN MY PURSE AND SEE IF I HAVE...
TWO PENNIES.
THERE'S A HAIR THERE TOO.
- WOW. - REALLY.
- THANKS. - THAT'S NOT NICE AT ALL.
- I'LL COME BACK ANYTIME FOR THIS.
- NOW YOU'VE GOT TWO CENTS.