Ed Elson: Good evening, everyone.
Before I begin, let me just say
that I am incredibly honored to be here,
a foot away from my bed.
I also want to deliver a message to my mother.
I cleaned my room, not for Class Day, but for you.
I know that she will be proud of me
as I address a sea of unidentifiable students
with their cameras off
and revel in the silence of 2,000 mute buttons.
I did request an automated live track
but President Eisgruber told me that would be
a little too "sitcom" and not enough "Class Day,"
which is another way of saying,
"My IT department doesn't know how to do that."
I understand, in the words of everyone on earth,
these are unprecedented times.
Now, I first want to reflect on this past year,
which was above all a year of extraordinary learning.
Through our research institutions,
we learned the globally transformative power
of modern medicine. Through our communities,
we learned the inseparable strength of human connection,
and through cutting-edge technology
we learnt how to pull up Zoom class in one tab
and Netflix in another.
Now I want to emphasize to my professors
that I've personally never done this,
though I hear it is quite the rage among the Class of 2021.
I also have a suggestion for the professors in attendance.
Next time you call on a student,
watch how their eyes dart to the other side of the screen.
I leave you esteemed educators of Princeton University
with a tip from Tony Montana,
"The eyes, Chico, they never lie."
But despite the difficulties of being remote,
we students seized every opportunity
for extracurricular engagement.
No, we didn't have Tigerlilies arch sings
diSiac dances, nor Sunday fun days, nor Quipfire! shows,
nor Whig-Clio debates, nor Murray-Dodge cookies,
nor Theater Intime, nor Tiger Tracks.
But we did have USG free movies on campus.
And I think I speak for everyone,
when I say that from "Boyhood" to "Memento"
to "Girls' Trip,"
every free movie had me on the edge of my seat.
In fact, many parts of Princeton online
were even better than Princeton in-person.
For example this year's Lawnparties
was actually my favorite.
It was the first one where I did not wake up at 8 p.m.
in a pile of Hoagie Haven rappers with a pounding headache,
thus forcing me to rethink my existence.
No, instead I was one room away
from my parents streaming Jason Derulo
2010 hit single "Riding Solo."
No personal crisis here.
Though as I sat there in extremely sober solitude,
I couldn't help but take the song title personally.
Yes, we rode solo in the fall,
but we rode together in the spring.
And as many of us returned to Princeton,
we were reminded of what makes this place so unique.
The sheer beauty of campus
in both January snow and April bloom,
the pleasant bustle of Nassau Street
on a cool Friday evening.
And the fact that you can always
pass the Firestone bag-check
without removing any books.
Granted this semester was by no means business as usual.
We each had to make adjustments to our academic lives
in accordance with the University's social contract,
which was hard but necessary.
And although I cannot speak for all students,
I found that my relationship with this year's administration
was one characterized by trust and understanding.
They didn't trust me and I didn't understand them.
Let's put this year aside though.
Let's reflect on how far we've come in these four years.
We entered FitzRandolph Gate
as young and oblivious teenagers,
hardly any of us knew what a prospect 12 was,
even fewer knew how to write a thesis statement.
And none of us knew what a career
in consulting could look like.
Four years and 3,000 coffee chats later,
look at us now, a merry band of beer-drinking,
thesis-writing consultants.
Of course we are not all consultants,
some of us are bankers.
Nope, nope. We are a diverse body of students
with a diverse range of talents and aspirations.
I for one, I'm so excited for our future accomplishments,
but I am more excited for our future co-workers,
because in short time they will get to share a desk
with an orange-clad public policy major,
who in-between humming "Old Nassau"
on the way to the bathroom,
lets the entire office know how they determined
political biases in U.S. tariffs on green production
through a quantitative analysis
in their senior year of college.
And to anyone who might soon receive that immense privilege,
I say to you on behalf of all of us
at Princeton University, you're welcome.
Now we also mustn't forget our newfound
responsibilities as Princeton alumni.
As we receive these diplomas,
we are called upon to search for
and address the great challenges of the real world.
As for the COS majors,
your responsibility is slightly different.
You must turn anything and everything into an NFT
starting with these diplomas,
because if there's anything I've learned
from my time at Princeton, it's that one,
physical items are useless.
And two, nothing is more important
than putting other people onto the crypto game,
in the nation's service and in the service of humanity.
Yeah, obviously I am joking.
Princeton has in reality taught me
four valuable life lessons, real ones.
Number one, find a lab partner.
Much like my freshman year molecular biology class,
life will be filled with things that I do not understand.
However, the anxieties they bring
are significantly lessened when we find someone
to tackle them with.
Number two, don't compare grades.
There are countless people at Princeton
and in the world who are utterly brilliant at what they do.
We therefore cannot measure our value in comparison
to anyone other than the person we were yesterday.
Number three, always cite,
acknowledge the people who got you to where you are.
Let's take a moment to thank our families,
our friends, our professors,
our coaches, our caterers,
our librarians. Let's thank everyone
who had a part to play in the finished
and graduated product that is you.
And four, what is four?
Oh yeah.
Sorry. One second.
I pledge my honor that this speech represents
my own work in accordance with University regulations.
And with that final pledge of honor
you will be elated, ecstatic to hear,
that my speech is officially and definitively at an end.
Thank you so much.
And congratulations to the great Class of 2021.