today we're going to be talking about gaslighting and how you know if it's happening to you
hi everyone in today's video we're going to be talking about the concept of gaslighting which is
a form of manipulation that often takes place in abusive relationships the idea behind gaslighting
is that the abuser misleads a person getting them to question their own judgment and reality
and over time the person may begin to question their sanity and be
unsure about their perceptions of the world it can be extremely manipulative destructive
and harmful and so it's important to understand some of the signs of gaslighting but before i get
into that just a couple of disclaimers to go over i'm a registered psychologist in the province of
british columbia canada and this video is for informational purposes only it is not intended
as a substitute or replacement for advice from your doctor or mental health professional now
with those things out of the way let's start talking about some of the signs of gaslighting
now the term gaslighting comes primarily from a 1944 film titled gaslight and in this movie
uh there's this husband that manipulates his wife to get her to believe that she's losing
her sense of reality by he does this by changing things in her environment and slowly dimming the
flame on a gas lamp that she has and he's doing this to get her to believe that she's
going crazy and so that he can commit her to a mental institution and steal her inheritance
now typically gaslighting isn't quite as dramatic as that movie but it can be
a subtle and covert way in which one person abuses another it's often seen in romantic relationships
but it can also be seen amongst friendships between family members or even co-workers
and at the core of it gaslighting aims at undermining your perception of reality
when someone is gaslighting you you might start to second-guess yourself
question your memory and doubt recent events that you're almost certain
happened or questioning your perceptions of what really happened
interactions and conversations with the person who's gaslighting you may leave you feeling
confused dazed wondering what the heck is going on and if there's something wrong with you
it can lead to questioning your judgment your memory your self-worth and insanity and
attempts that you make to try and clarify what's going on might be met with critiques
such as you're the one who's responsible for the problem or that you're just being too sensitive
so this might seem confusing or disorienting because gaslighting can be subtle and sneaky
to the extent that it works because you're not sure if it's actually happening
so it's important to recognize signs of gas lighting to get a better sense of what are some
of the techniques behind gas lighting and what are some of the ways in which you might be able
to identify when someone is trying to gaslight you so one sign that someone is gaslighting you
is that they lie to you about something or deny something even when you show them proof
and even when you show them proof they refuse to admit that they're actually lying now usually when
we get caught in a lie we either admit that we were lying or we try and explain why we were lying
but in gaslighting the person is extremely brazen about denying they're lying
you can show them proof and evidence that you know they're lying
but they'll tell you that you're wrong and that they're not lying and this goes so counter to how
we usually interact with people that the boldness and brazen denial of lying makes us question that
maybe they aren't lying and that there might be something wrong with our evidence
another example is that the person insists that an event that occurred or a behavior
of theirs that you witnessed never actually happened or that you're remembering it wrong
so for example suppose you had an intense argument with your partner and they pushed
you against a wall when you talk about what happened with them a day or two later
what they might do is say that they didn't actually shove you but rather you
lost control in your anger you stumbled and they were trying to steady you which caused you to
fall into the wall they were actually trying to help you and they never pushed you because
of how adamantly they deny that the incident took place you begin to question whether or not
they actually didn't push you or you may start to think that maybe you misinterpreted what happened
even though you're almost certain that they pushed you you start to question if they actually
did push you now notice in gaslighting one of the keys is to try and create uncertainty and doubt in
situations where you know what happened and you're certain of what's going on until you talk to them
and then you begin to question your certainty
another example of gaslighting is the person spreading rumors or gossip about you to other
people uh imagine a scenario in which you got into a big fight with your partner because they
were rude and disrespectful to you when you ask them to do the dishes because you're the one who
cooked dinner in this form of gaslighting your partner may go around telling friends or
family members that you're emotionally unhinged because you screamed at them after dinner for
no reason they may tell you that you're all they may tell people that you're always losing
your temper and lashing out at them even though they're not doing anything wrong
so while technically they're correct in terms of the fact that you got into a screaming argument
with them after dinner but they leave out the important details about how they were rude and
disrespectful uh resulting in them telling a story in which you look emotionally unhinged or volatile
and that you randomly lashed out at them
now an associated tactic with this is that someone who's gaslighting you
might tell you that other people have said negative things about you and these other people
may have never said anything bad about you but the person who's gaslighting you tries to get you
to believe that they're spreading rumors about you and they've said these bad things about you
an extremely frustrating example of gaslighting is when the individual tells you that you're
overreacting when you call them out on their behavior you challenge their manipulation
you point out things that they've lied about you emphasize how challenging their behavior
is and they dismiss it by telling you that you're being overly sensitive it's not that big of a deal
for example imagine you had a co-worker who stole your ideas and then told your boss that they came
up with the ideas themselves thereby receiving the kudos and acknowledgement from your boss
you challenge them about having done this and they brush it aside saying look it's not that
big of a deal we're all working on the same team and and that individual success is team success
now notice this implies that you're not really being a team player
and it also suggests that you're overreacting and making it a much bigger deal than it actually is
um a further example of gaslighting is when the person changes a subject or refuses to
listen to you when you challenge them about a particular lie that you've caught them in or
when you challenge them about their gaslighting behavior itself now this
is a little bit different than the example i talked about earlier in which the person
denies that they're lying or refuses to admit that they're lying when you show them proof
rather in this example they attempt to change the subject to something else typically a complaint
they have about something that you've done or a problem that they have with you so as a result
the conversation devolves away from the behavior that you're challenging them about and into an
argument of how you're treating the other person badly and how unfair you've been to them they
twist it so that you're the one who's done wrong and it's your behavior that needs to be addressed
another example of gaslighting occurs when people tend to shift blame in relationships
you call out your partner on their overly harsh and critical responses towards you you tell them
that you don't appreciate their name calling or all of the ways they put you down you express
to them that it bothers you a lot when you when you talk about what sorry you expressed to them
that it bothers you a lot when they talk about how much more attractive someone else is than you are
you're attempting to highlight and explain all of the harmful and destructive behavior
from your partner and they twist it and turn it back on you they tell you that if you just
acted differently they wouldn't treat you like this if you didn't mess up so much they wouldn't
have to be so critical of you if you weren't so messy they wouldn't have to call you a slob
if you took better care of yourself then maybe they wouldn't find maybe they wouldn't find people
more attractive than you maybe they would find you just as attractive as they find other people
essentially what they're doing is that they're turning around your concerns about their behavior
and saying that their behavior is merely a response to you and how you are therefore
if you have a problem with how they're treating you it's your fault it's your responsibility so
this is a sneaky way of shifting the blame away from their inappropriate rude and abusive behavior
and making it seem like the problem is all about you
another sneaky form that gaslighting can take is through a disconnection between what a person
is saying and how they actually treat you so for example suppose you buy a friend a present
for their birthday and they respond in a harsh critical unappreciative way they tell you that
they must not mean very much to you because you gave them such a lousy uninspired present
is that all you think of me i thought we were better friends than this when they
but when they notice that you're getting upset or that you're bothered by their criticism then they
turn it and they tell you how much they appreciate you and what a close friend you are to them and
how much they love you they say things like you know how much i love you i would never hurt you
on purpose so they go from being really harsh and critical and unappreciative and
when you call them out on it or when they notice you're upset about it then they tell
you how much they appreciate you even though they just demonstrated a lack of appreciation
these are the words that you might want to hear but the problem is that they're that the words
are inauthentic especially when the same abusive behavior is repeated over and over and over again
however these compassion and loving words might be just enough to convince you to let them off the
hook again this time which then allows the person to escape the consequences or responsibility
for their harmful and abusive behavior
gaslighting can take the form of twisting or
recounting a story in a way that minimizes their abusive behavior
suppose you make dinner for your partner and when they eat it they tell you that it tastes awful
and that you're a terrible cook they criticize your efforts they tell you that they can't believe
they put up with this from you but when you call them out on it and challenge them because
you did a nice thing by making them dinner they then change their story and they say
that they didn't say it tastes awful they didn't say you're a terrible cook but rather they're just
tired from a long day of work and that their stomach's upset and that's what they meant
another form of gaslighting another form that gaslighting can take is when the person minimizes
their hurtful behaviors or their abusive words by dismissing it as a joke or claiming
that you're just being too sensitive for example a husband tells his wife that she looks like a fat
pig wearing that dress and when she gets upset and challenges him for saying something so harsh he
tells her that she's being way too sensitive and that she's completely blowing it out of proportion
a co-worker repeatedly ridicules you at work or at a work party for example criticizing your work
performance and telling other people that you're lazy and that you're not very bright you get
understandably upset about this and when you call them out on it they laugh it off saying come on
man you you know i'm just joking i'm just razzing you it's all good fun where's your sense of humor
and finally the last forum that gaslighting can take that i want to talk about
is when the person who's gaslighting you separates you from friends or family
who might recognize what they're doing who might recognize the gaslighting behavior
in intimate relationships this may take the form of one partner isolating the other partner from
their friends or family shrinking their social support network and aiming to limit how much
contact they have with people outside of the gas lighting person the gaslighting partner's circle
so the person who's being gaslit has fewer close people that they can talk to about
what's happening to help get some clarity or a more realistic perspective and they end up alone
trying to figure out what exactly is going on this effort serves to isolate you from people who can
give you a different more reasoned perspective and you're left on your own to try and figure out
what's going on is you feel completely confused and lost
so those are a number of different forms that gaslighting can take and as you can imagine as i'm
talking about these you can imagine how exhausting it can be dealing with someone who's gaslighting
you it can also be very shifty and hard to pin down these gaslighting behaviors so i i hope
this gives you a sense of some of the scope of gaslighting behaviors to help you better identify
if you're being gaslit by anyone in your life now i'm going to be doing uh future videos on ways of
coping with gas lighting and different things that you can do to counteract gaslighting behaviors
so i hope you'll keep an eye out for those videos when they come out so that's all for
today's video i'd love to hear any comments or questions that you have about this or gas lighting
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