I don't like arguing with people either,
which makes me feel very
left out on the internet.
Cause that's all we do on there is argue.
I don't argue so much
that my friend called me
a nonconfrontational pacifist,
to my face.
And to him I said,
"I'm not gonna argue
"with you about that.
"That's accurate."
(audience laughing)
Here's how out of my way I go
not to argue.
I was on the bus and
this guy came up to me,
and he said, "Gareth?"
And I said, "I'm not Gareth."
And he says, "No, you look like Gareth,"
as if it were up for debate.
(audience laughing)
And my first thought was, finally,
an argument I'm gonna be able to win!
(audience laughing)
But, then, the rest of my brain
was just like,
let's hear him out.
(audience laughing)
Let's not jump to conclusions.
(audience laughing)
That's a scary thought,
cause that means,
if you're persistent enough,
you can convince me
I'm somebody else.
(audience laughing)
Also, if Gareth looks anything like me,
he cannot be doing
too well in life, either.
I don't wanna be Gareth.
No way Gareth is going home
to his wife and kids, like,
"Honey, I got another modeling job!
"Boy, it's a great day to be a Gareth!
"Everything's coming up Gareth!"
(audience laughing)
Don't like arguing.
Opinions are dumb.
You shouldn't have them.
That's my opinion.
(audience laughing)
Don't you feel like
we're running out of
things to argue about on the internet?
We're arguing, again,
about if the Earth is flat.
We're bringing back arguments
from Galileo's time.
Just, too bad, because we totally
skipped over having witch trials again.
That would have been fun.
(audience laughing)
"After her performance
"in Salem, Massachusetts,
"some thought Adele's voice
"was a bit too magical.
(audience laughing)
"After which, the
"#SetFireToAdele was trending,
(audience laughing)
"and she will be burned
"at the stake in London."
(audience laughing)
Everybody's so mad on the internet.
I think it's because all
angry internet comments are left
by people sitting on the toilet
with their phones.
(audience laughing)
Because, if you'll notice,
you can read those
same kinds of comments
on public bathroom stalls
left by people without phones.
Public bathroom stalls
are like the cave drawings
of comment sections
from a bygone age.
(audience laughing)
All racist internet comments
re left by people
sitting on the toilet with their phones
for the same reason that
every bathroom stall
has a swastika on it, for some reason.
My theory is,
that you reach a certain level
of constipation where
you blame the Jews.
(audience laughing)
And you're right, it's not right,
but the sphincter,
the most German part of the body,
(audience laughing)
when it is under duress,
it becomes very antisemitic.
(audience laughing)
When you're constipated,
the only thing you can think of is,
"Get out!"
(audience laughing)
And that's where racist
internet comments come from!
Every time you read,
"They're taking all our jobs!"
it's just some guy,
sitting on the toilet with his phone,
working off some bad Mexican food.
It's all it is.
(audience laughing)
We argue a lot about
political correctness.
Some say it's gone too far.
I say, not far enough!
Especially in the names we
still give to certain diseases.
Like, I feel like it's very offensive
to people with Attention Deficit Disorder
that we thought we had
to abbreviate it to ADD.
(audience laughing)
The doctor that came up
with that was like,
"Look, you have a disability,
"but you're not
"gonna be able to
"pay attention long enough
(audience laughing)
"for me to tell you what it is.
"Stop playing with my stethoscope,
"dude, focus!"
(audience laughing)
When they came up with
the name for Asperger's,
that had to have been a joke.
They're like, "We have
"this disease where people
"have a hard time picking up
"on social cues.
"What should we call it?
"Wait a minute!
"We can name this thing anything,
"and they'll have no idea how
"awkward it is when they say it?
"Get this!
"Asperger's."
(audience laughing)
Some of you are thinking,
"It's spelled A-S-P, not A-S-S,"
and you have Asperger's.
(audience laughing)
Where's your sense of fun?