Like the amount of times I had said no...got me scared.
We invited people to share their life's darkest secrets.
The following is a true story.
So I was working for a casting company. There was one day,
that I was at the office with my boss. One of the PAs and the DP were coming over for some paperwork and
the PA had brought a bottle of whiskey over.
I remember the DP had
told us that he doesn't really drink much and he's kind of embarrassed to because he gets really flushed in the face.
We kind of peer pressured him into it, just like "Come on! Like...It's just us."
We had a lot in common including a lot of animes that we liked, video gaming,
had a similar sense of humor and he was really sweet. And as the evening went on,
the PA had gone home and
my boss was getting tired and kind of saw me and him talking and
she kind of could sense that
we were vibing a little bit so she went back into the back room to kind of call it a night.
So, he and I were alone. I remember I was showing off some of my drawings to him. One of them was
something
magic related or about a witch or something because it got us talking about palm readings.
He took my hand and was reading my palm. That kind of turned into, "Oh my gosh, we're holding hands."
He kissed me and it was nice.
He got a little carried
away with it and I kept trying to remind him, and I did remind him like, "I like you. I do,
but I just I don't know what I want right now." I had just gotten out of a
physically abusive relationship and I just wasn't ready for
anything and I just wanted to know for sure who somebody was before I got to know them. That kind of made him...
it- it confused him and he didn't like what he heard?
He was just kept telling me, like, "How - I don't - that doesn't make sense. Like, that's not...you can't not know what you want."
I just felt guilty. I felt like
"Oh, he's right. You know I - I did kiss him back, and I am flirting with him, and I do like him." And
everything he was saying was making sense to me, like
"Well why shouldn't I want this? And why don't I want this?" But I just wasn't ready and I kept trying to tell him that.
But he just kept kind of kissing me...
But it wasn't until
it like, got kind of intense where like, he put me on the desk, and - and then whipped
like
whipped his dick out. And - and I just told him like I really don't want to do this right now.
I was fighting to keep my pants up and he kept like trying, and it kind of turned into this
weird like, dance of us kissing and him, like trying, to
put it in me. And there was a point, where he had
like, picked me up, and put me on the floor, where
we had that little green "X" marker for actors to stand. And I just remember there was that moment on the ground of just,
"How do I position myself so that he can't...
get me that way?" And
it kind of turned into me like, leading him, like
outside into the hallway because I knew that down the hallway, my boss was sleeping.
Like the amount of times I had said no...
got me scared because, he seemed like such a nice person.
And it was late. And
he's really tall. And I just felt like if I don't do something
that's gonna just get him to stop, then I don't know what's gonna happen.
Should I have hit him?
Screamed at him?
I didn't want that feeling of
somebody being inside me that I didn't give them permission to do that.
So I just started jacking him off. Right there, with him like pressed up against me against the wall, and I just remember
thinking, like, he has absolutely, no idea how terrified I am right now.
He has no idea how disgusted I am.
Because he was just,
in it, you know, moaning and it felt good for him and he got off. I got him off that way, and
I just kind of stood there and he...
calmed down and, I just said, "I think you should go." And he did. And then I just
sat down and I just cried for a long time. Luckily there was a bathroom right there so I walked in and...
tried not to throw up.
There was just so much in my head that I was blaming myself like
"It was my fault that I flirted with him."
"It was my fault that I...
kind of liked him and even told him that I liked him." "It was my fault that I peer pressured him into drinking with us."
If this were somebody else's story...I
was supposed to have sex with him. And I was supposed to like it.
It just seems like saying, "Oh, you know, I'm not in the mood," it turns into "Let me get you in the mood," or
"Oh, you know I just got out of a bad relationship", "I'm not that person", or "Oh, you know, I'm just - I'm not ready.
What can I do? Like what do you need?" Like
instead of just having to be, "No. I don't want that."
A perfect world is where we can talk to each other about it that I don't think
it's just bad guys versus victims. Guy versus girl thing.
It's things like humans that first, for whatever reason, you have to be willing to be that person to
speak the other person's language.
There were a lot of things that I had said I blamed myself for it
turning into that situation, and because I never did just sit him down and say, "Do you have any idea,
what that did to me?"
Because maybe he has no idea.
Maybe this whole time,
he just has been telling himself and his friends that it was some crazy drunk night he had.
Regardless of
what his intentions were or weren't...
I would want him to know that it - it impacted me.