Personally, I love introverts. They're like beautiful forest
creatures that you don't want to scare away by tromping too
loudly. But as my introvert friends have told me sometimes
being an introvert is difficult, especially in the wild west of
our modern dating scene. And as singles looking to mingle,
you're expected to mingle. So if you are an introvert, you might
be asking, How can I date in a way that doesn't feel like
slowly pushing pins underneath my fingernails? Or is it that or
just be alone forever?
Like, how can I make dating not suck so much PR into the mind
kitty?
Hi,
I'm Caitlin v. Professional sexual health researcher turned
sex and relationship coach, and I help people overcome
performance anxiety, show up in their relationships with
absolute confidence and achieve their hottest, most pleasurable
sex lives possible. Follow me on YouTube as well as on Instagram
for daily insights on how to have the best sex and dating
life.
But first, back
to the subject at hand. What is an introvert? Well, when we
think of introverts, we typically think of people who
are really shy and really quiet. But that's not actually what an
introvert is. an introvert is someone who gains energy from
being alone. So if you go to parties or hang out with your
friends and come home, feeling
satisfied, but
mostly exhausted or worn out, you might be an introvert, you
just want to collapse on the couch and spend time alone
recharging your batteries, you might be an introvert, and if
you're someone who gains a lot of energy by just solo me time,
or reading a book, doing your own thing, taking long walks,
just generally being on your own, you might be an introvert.
And this means that spending time with other people can be
incredibly draining
specially people
who you don't know very well in situations where you have to
rely on small talk, aka dating. Dating requires all kinds of
things that introverts don't particularly like introverts
tend to close themselves off from others, and establish
contacts new friends, new relationships, more rarely,
deepening flirting, other stuff related to the beginning of
romantic relationships can be exhausting and even emotionally
draining for an introvert. And to add insult to injury,
introverts tend to be deep thinkers and sometimes have the
capacity to overthink, which can cause a lot of social anxiety
around dating new people. And as you can imagine, social anxiety
leads you to act in weird mechanical, awkward ways, which
makes dating even harder before you just crawl into a cave and
give up on ever dating. Remember that no one is 100%, introverted
or 100% extroverted. In fact, most of us are with considered
ambiverts, which is a mix of both introvert and extrovert. I
for myself find that throughout the month, the week even the
day, there's times where I get a lot of energy from being around
other people. And there are times where I feel like I need
to just go retreat into myself and recharge my battery. So
maybe you strongly identify with either introverted or
extroverted but understand that these are just useful labels
that we can use to describe how to date in a way that feels
pleasurable for you. And if that is the case, my friends, you
have come to the right place. Because I have for you the seven
best ways to date as an introvert if you want to be
successful at making dating, actually fun and enjoyable.
Number one, beat people through hobbies and mutual friends. They
say opposites attract, but they don't really mean that in the
way that like not full on opposites. Just people who like
have polarity between them attract. And that's why it is
awesome to date someone who likes the same things that you
do. Whether that is rock climbing, camping, maybe you're
both musicians in competing rock bands from across the city.
Trying to meet people through the things that you love and the
things that you're good at means that you're meeting people in
your zone where you are confident where you know how to
show up and be yourself plus you have skills Plus, you always
have something to talk about. Like if you two are total rock
climbing geeks together you can talk about gear and ropes and
shoes and handholds. I presume I don't rock climb, but maybe you
do. And maybe she does too. And the two of you can do rock
climbing together. It doesn't require you to have a small talk
when you're like scaling a wall. Just like repel each other and
build trust that way. It's
called the rope.
It's like a metaphor for trust. Number two, pick a date activity
that works well with your personality. If you hate loud
crowds, and you hate loud noises, don't take your date to
the Blue Angels air show or to the punk rock concert, where
everyone is going to be cheering and screaming and stressing you
out,
you will have a better time any more successful dating
experience going somewhere where you feel comfortable,
there are no rules, there's
no right or wrong place to take a date. So take your date where
you are happiest.
You want to show them
a slice of you anyways, you want to give her a preview of who you
are. So take her to that quiet coffee shop that you love. Take
her on your favorite walk because you love this part of
the park or the views from this hill do the thing that you
really adore and your personality will shine through.
Number three, skip the small talk small talk is overrated.
Now, I don't mean that you should just start dumping your
deepest, darkest secrets right away. like things like if you
believe in ghosts and aliens? Well, those are the things that
I most want to know about you wait, pause, please write in the
comments who here believes in ghosts and aliens and or aliens
or just aliens? I actually do care. That's like the first
thing I am curious to know about you. And then I want to talk
about your genitals. So not great for small talk over here.
And a small talk does play a role. But understanding that you
actually don't have to just talk about the weather what someone
does for a living and in fact, skipping that and going to stuff
that actually interests you that's underneath the surface
level, but allows the person who you're sitting across from to
share more deeply about something that they're say,
passionate about, than their stupid job that they are just
doing until they can become a full time Potter and retire to
the countryside. And remember that there are actually no
correct questions to ask. Just showing genuine interest and
being interesting, like being vulnerable enough to tell the
person sitting across from you about yourself is enough. Number
four, meet people online and on dating apps. dating apps are
God's gift to introverts in the 21st century, you can write
instead of talk, you can take your time to answer questions
and formulate responses, you can really think about the next
question that you want to ask. You can take your time really
getting to know somebody, you can also not have to travel
across town interface with a whole bunch of strangers and
loud places. And you can still really get to know someone
intimately. On a one on one basis. I highly recommend that
if you do this move from chatting to a phone call to a
video call, and then decide whether or not you want to get
together in person. This is the best way I have found for
introverts to manage the excessive conversations that
sometimes have to go down with finding someone through online
dating. Also, it gives you an opportunity to learn a lot of
things about them before you get together in person which makes
conversations flow a lot easier. And don't think that online
dating apps are the only places that you can meet people online.
Just like I said in tip number one about doing things that you
love, go to places that people are gathered online to talk
about the things that you love. local community groups, forums,
and other things that are of interest, especially if they're
in your neighborhood or in your city will also generate other
people who you may want to connect with and date. Number
five, be genuinely curious. This is a great way to screen people
to figure out who you want to continue to speak to and who you
don't want to invest any more energy in. This is great for
introverts, because if you feel that the spotlight is always on
you, you're gonna feel more self conscious. And then at the end
of the day, you're gonna think oh my god, I can't believe I
said that. I know, I sounded like such an idiot. Why did I
just dribble along like that, that asking great questions to
your partner, while also being honest about the questions and
the answers that you provide is a really, really excellent tool
to make sure that you have a genuine connection, you actually
learn a lot about a person and conversation will flow so
easily. By the way, pro tip women love weed men ask us
questions to put too fine a point on it. My experience with
men is that usually they talk a lot about themselves. And they
fail to ask really good questions. And I'm not saying
this is a dig man.
I love you guys.
I hope that's clear by now. I make endless content for you to
have the best sex of your life out of love. But y'all are not
great question askers y'all, we'll answer a question with
like 10 minutes of detail on you and what your interests are and
what you love and we'll get to go ahead and And then sit there
and ask for the next question. And if that is you practice
asking questions, women love getting the chance to talk about
themselves. And if you're already doing that, pat yourself
on the back, you are ahead of 98% of your competitors. Number
six, be yourself. Oh, I hate that even have to say this, but
it's true. And we all needed including me, we all need this
reminder. Don't try to impress anyone, just don't, don't try to
be something that you are not that flex is exhausting. And if
you are finding yourself putting all of this energy print, trying
to pretend to be someone who you're not on these dates, you
are never going to find out who actually likes you, and who
likes the person who you are pretending to be there is no
point in getting close to someone who doesn't like you for
who you are. And so you get the opportunity to be you. And you
know what the trick to all this is, is that knowing that you are
lovable as the exact person who you are, which is not to say you
don't get to improve, or you wouldn't benefit from some
coaching, we all would, but you as you are get to be loved.
That's it. You don't have to pretend to be anybody else.
Because you're enough. Number seven, and this is my favorite.
And I don't understand why we don't all talk about it. Because
we get so underrated. Take a break. I'm not talking about
taking a break from like dating in general. And just like living
a solitary life with your cat. I mean, take your break while you
are socializing. If you ever go on a date with me, you will know
that I am a frequent break taker, I will excuse myself and
go hang in the bathroom where I will breathe, and think and
maybe text a couple friends and get feedback. I will self
reflect on how the data is going. I will take a moment to
recenter myself and ask myself the important questions like do
I want to get another drink with this person? What I like to go
home with this person? Do I see myself developing a relationship
with a person? Would it be best for me to just exit gracefully?
Now,
what would I say to them? If I do that this break time this
processing time when you're so low is so important and not just
for introverts. This is for everyone. You do not have to
just sit
and keep coming up with the
next question to ask you the next thing to say or beating
yourself up for not asking the right question two minutes ago,
but they're still talking about it. Taking a break is great for
recharging your batteries, take a sit, go find a little safe
space, maybe if you're at a party, go to a different room,
go to a room on your own. Sit down, take a couple minutes to
breathe. I promise this might feel weird the first time that
you do it. But man, once you get into the habit of it, you're
gonna be like, It's break time. We're gonna go take me one of
those breaks now. Thanks, Caitlin. And bonus tip for all
of us out here who like to ruminate. After the date, say
thank you for the great time, ask them out again if you want
to, not because you think you have to, but because you really
truly want to. And then leave it close the door on the date and
don't mull it over too much. A lot of introverts and ambiverts.
Anybody extroverts we can start to dissect and pick apart and
analyze all the things that happened during the date when
we're right when we're wrong. So you ask her for a second date?
And she says no. And then you start going back line for line
for line. Where did I get up? Where am I the moron, skip it
take some time to reflect maybe break it down with a coach or
with a counselor or with a trusted friend or advisor after
but do not sit there and ruminate in the negative things
that came out of the date. If anything, remind yourself of the
top three or four positive things that came out of the
date. And just repeat those over and over and over and over again
until those are the only things that you can remember what if
you tried all of these things and you still hate dating? Well
do not decide that dating just isn't for you and you're just
going to live a life of solitude and loneliness Damn it, decide
that you are going to get some help with this because I
guarantee that me and my team can help you to move from solo
introvert who is confused about dating to man in his total zone
of genius who understands how attractive he is and ends up
lining up perfect dates with total ease and finding himself
in relationship. In fact, one guy who recently came through
our coaching program went from dating a woman who was walking
all over him like a doormat to having two women that both know
about each other and are kind of interested in having a threesome
I don't know it hasn't happened yet, but we'll see how that one
turns out. I also had another guy recently go through my
coaching program who came in single and confused he felt
dumpy and unattractive and he was dealing with some erection
problems because of all of this lack of confidence that was like
sitting on his heart. And now he also has multiple women who he
is seeing on a regular basis. And he actually did have a
threesome now that I think about it. He actually did have his
phone threesome ever you can go from introvert who doesn't know
how to date to literally having two women sucking your dick at
the same time it is possible and trust me these guys did not
think it was possible for them either.
It is
absolutely possible for you and if you want me to show you the
way apply for high performance male coaching and I will walk
you through it step by step it will be so easy you will wish
you did it sooner. I am Caitlyn. v this is my channel. Please
make sure that you are subscribed so that I can
continue to deliver excellent relationship dating and sex
advice to you every single week. Thank you so much for tuning in.
I look forward to hearing all of your thoughts on ghosts and
aliens in the
comments.
Bye