- Please welcome Tiffany Haddish! - She ready! She ready! She ready!
Look at all these handsome ballplayers in the crowd.
Yes.
Do y'all see—I see four.
Now, y'all better not shoot your shot at me cuz I'm ovulating.
And I will take advantage.
I got a safety pin.
Give it up for Jeff Ross!
- How does Dwyane Wade get to start the show and then sit in the crowd?
Finally learned how to play defense, huh?
All right. You all know the legendary story about Charles Barkley's first
sneaker deal.
He was 19 years old, and he said to a guy, "Gimme those sneakers, or I'll fucking
kill you."
- Give it up for Gary Payton!
- This is the 30th anniversary for the "Inside the NBA."
Ernie's been stuck in the same place for 30 years. Ernie,
they let O.J. out in nine.
You know what I'm sayin'?
- I know what you're sayin'. - Kenny "Jet" Smith got his nickname after a flight to
Jacksonville.
You got your name after a flight
to Jacksonville? Then all of a sudden, it was said, "Sir, please, you—
please, can you
take a seat
with your group. Next call." You had to take your team with the ne—with,
with your, uh—I messed that one up. Bad joke. Bad joke. - Give it up for Gary Payton one more time, y'all.
Shit ain't easy, ain't it, hmm?
Just cuz you read books out loud to kids don't mean you can read off a
teleprompter.
You just doin' your regular community service, motherfucker.
Your next roaster is a well-known YouTuber, so you can think all your dumba—
wait.
Sorry.
I'm, I'm readin' like Gary here. [Announcer:] We had another
technical problem, sorry. - Here we go.
- Yeah, you know what?
Fuck that shit.
Look, I learned how to read at 16. When you learn how to read, nigga?
I got nominated for a Grammy for readin' out loud for my audiobook.
Whatchu get a Grammy for?
OK, let's be honest.
I didn't get the Grammy, but I got nominated.
Now, I might not be the best cuz it's white words movin' fast on a black screen.
Had they put it on a white screen with black words,
I would be able to absorb that better.
[Announcer:] OK, give it up for Tiffany Haddish. - I'm reading racist.
- Please welcome JB Smoove. - The great Jay Pharoah is here.
Funny as hell, man. Extremely versatile comedian.
It was truly messed up when "SNL" let you go, but I'm here to tell you, man: That
Michael Chi dude bein' better than you
should have nothin' to do with that shit.
You keep it movin', babe.
You keep it movin'!
- His name Michael Che. - I don't give a damn. Chi, Che. No black man supposed
to have a last name like that any goddamn way.
I care about you, Shaq.
I really care about you a lot, man.
And, man, it's so sad that your hands are just as bad as your goddamn feet.
They're interchangeable.
You could easily wear your hands as your feet and your feet as your hands.
I'mma pay good money to see you high-five your damn foot with your hand.
I pay good money to see that.
On a serious note,
congratulations to Chuck.
I heard your hometown of Leeds, Alabama, gave you the big honor, a key to the
city.
That's some big shit right there, the key to the goddamn city.
That's big. Come on, that's big. That's, that's huge. That's huge.
It's just too bad that in Leeds, the key to the city is nothin' but wire cutters and
a goddamn rock.
Country as hell, Charles.
- Give it up
for the dude I have wet dreams about often, Jay Pharoah.
- All right, shit.
Hey, hey, Rick Fox.
I see you tryna hide, motherfucker.
I see your ass. Rick Fox, look at that All-Star hat. Nigga, you look just like
Animal fucked Antonio Banderas.
I've always wanted to tell you that shit.
I got lost on my way here tonight.
When they said we were doin' this at the House of Blues, I went to Madison Square Garden.
Sorry Knicks. No, really, y'all sorry as hell.
You know, yeah, sorry Knicks.
Charles did a
DNA test on TV that showed he's 14 percent Native American. Just what he
needed, another reason to spend Thanksgiving eating like a depressed person.
I don't know what's slower, man:
Shaq's speech patterns or reparations for slavery.
You can laugh at that one, Jeff, you racist fuck.
Ernie. Ernie, you look like the Cryptkeeper in Joker's makeup.
That's what you look—"Is it just me, or is Charles gettin' a little crazy out there?"
They were right.
Yeah,
that's right. First white dude to do the Joker,
Joaquin Phoenix impression. You ain't like it,
fuck you!
All right,
let's go.
I dug deep. When I get—
lemme go back. I'mma get it again. I'mma get it again.
- [Heckler making nonsense sounds] - [Mocking heckler with nonsense sounds] Fuckin' doin' a JB Smoove impression.
"Whassup, fool?"
OK.
I'm in the room, goddamn it!
- Hey, I know, nigga. I know.
That's why I'm sayin' this shit.
- I wanna see your Tiffany Haddish impersonation. - Hold on, ho, ho, hey. Oh, shit, we gon—nigga.
"She ready!"
Hell no.
- So, before we leave, we should all do a TikTok video.
Don't worry. Just like y'all, it won't be hard, and it'll only take,
like, a minute. - [Audience:] Oooh.
- I like that. I like it.
- You like that one, huh? - I liked that.
- Yeah.
- We love you.
Goodnight. - Wait, Shaq had somethin' to say.
JB Smoove's teeth so big,
if he eat
Tiffany Haddish out, he gonna give her a hysterectomy.
- Hey, hey, and stop calling Gary Payton—no, stop callin' Gary Payton
"The Glove." All them kids, he ain't never used a glove.
- Where the hell that come from?!
- [Announcer:] OK, Tiffany, get in there and wrap it up.
- Hey, um, I just wanna say this about Ernie Johnson before we wrap it out.
Is it just me, or does Ernie Johnson look like Billy Crystal's younger, taller
brother?
OK, it's just me.
That's just cuz I just worked with Billy Crystal.
- That sounded like one of Gary Payton's jokes. - [Laughing]
- It was! It was. It was. Gary wrote it for me.
I was like, "Damn, Gary.
OK.
I'mma try it and see what happens."
This what happens when you trust muds
swingin' a gang of kids.
He already make a buncha mistakes!
[Announcer:] OK, Tiffany. Say goodnight.
All right, enjoy the rest of y'all weekend!