-Tracy Morgan! [ Cheers and applause ]
Welcome back. We love it any time you're here.
We love you so much. Welcome back.
-I love being here, baby. You got The Roots over there.
Everybody -- Everything is good. -Oh, yeah.
What is your -- what's your New Year's resolution?
Because it's... -My New Year's resolution
ain't changed in five years. -No.
-Not to get hit by another truck.
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
It didn't change.
-That's it. That's... -Yeah.
-Just don't do it? -Yeah...
'Cause Walmart thinks they done --
they think they done paying me.
-Oh, yeah, but they're... -Yeah.
But if I start acting crazy in five years, we'll see.
I'm getting in touch with my attorney.
[ Laughter ]
They're gonna hear from my attorney.
"Tracy tried to make love to his English bulldog last night.
We want $5 million." [ Laughter ]
"And the dog wants $2 million for pain and suffering."
[ Laughter ]
[ Laughter continues ]
-Ah, but -- I heard you got a new gig, though?
Is this true?
-Yeah, they gave me a role on "Empire."
-They did? -Yeah.
-Now, what is your... [ Cheers and applause ]
What are you gonna --
What are you gonna do on -- on --
-Well, contractually -- they gave me millions of dollars.
Contractually, all I've got to do is not fake a hate crime.
[ Laughter ] -Oh, yeah? Good.
[ Laughter and applause ]
-Jussie. [ Cheers and applause ]
[ Laughter ]
[ Laughter continues ]
-That's all you have to do? -That's all I have to do.
-Yeah, perfect.
[ Laughter ]
Yeah, you -- you don't -- you don't --
you don't buy that story?
-What? -What happened --
-No, man! Come on, first of all,
racist people don't be jumping nobody in the polar vortex.
[ Laughter ]
[ Laughter continues ]
-You're saying it's too cold? -Yeah, man.
You know, racists don't be watching "Empire," man.
It's too cold.
They say, "We be racists in the spring."
[ Laughter ]
'Cause there was like 10 seconds of footage,
and then he disappears for like two seconds.
Then he reappears with the noose on his neck
still holding the Subway sandwich.
He didn't let that Subway sandwich go.
[ Laughter ]
I think it was pepperoni and cheese.
I don't know. -Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
That was the giveaway there -- he's still holding his --
- Yeah, of course. -Yeah.
You know who I talked to last week about you?
Michael Che. -Oh, yeah. Was he...
-Michael Che said you gave him great advice.
-Yeah, about doing stand-up? -About doing stand-up.
-First of all, when I do stand-up, me --
I can't speak for everybody, but when I do it,
I tell the truth. -Yeah.
-'Cause the truth is the truth all around the world.
Even if you live in Bangladesh, it's the truth.
-Yeah. -I tell him, in the old --
that's -- he's a young --
See, when I'm out, I stop,
and I give them young stand-ups advice.
You want to be a stand-up comedian.
You don't want to be a comic.
'Cause the word "comic" means
you're on your way in or your way out.
-Really? -So you just grab the mic,
put the mic stand to the back, and just perform for them.
-Yeah. -That's what I told them.
I sat down and told him that.
Then I made him pay me some money for that advice.
[ Laughter ] -It's so smart.
It's so smart. How is --
-You pay lawyers. You got to pay me, too.
-How is your beautiful wife, Megan?
How's she doing? -Oh, Megan's good, man.
That's my baby. She -- you know what she --
I told you -- we were talking about it --
-I love her.
-She's 18 years younger than me. -I know.
-I looked up, my wife is 18 years younger than me.
But the backlash is on that
is that she'll never be an old broad.
-No. -And I love old broads,
especially named -- especially named Blanche.
[ Laughter ]
And she got a cigarette laugh.
You know, I say something funny, and she laughs.
She goes... [ Coughing ]
[ Laughter ]
I love that, you know? I love varicose --
there's something about varicose veins, you know.
-Yeah? Oh, really? -I love them varicose veins,
them blue veins and the -- and the breasts.
I love the blue veins. [ Laughter ]
She got blue veins.
She got varicose veins in her calves.
When I'm making love to her and I got her legs up
and I look at her calves,
it looks like a map of the 1700s.
[ Laughter ]
Look at Quest.
Quest's laughing, Jim.
-I got Quest. -Oh!
-I got Quest. -Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
-I'm hitting Quest in the gut.
I seen his Afro shake.
[ Laughter ]
-Can we talk about "The Last O.G."?
-Yeah. -This is the cookbook.
We talked about this last time you came on.
It's got all great recipes in here.
It really is a great cookbook, as well as...
-There's some good stuff in there.
-...a funny book, as well.
-Yeah. -And a --
-A lot of the ingredients is made
with government cheese, though. [ Laughter ]
-Yeah. -That's why I'm angry --
'cause I'm severely constipated. -Yeah, that's why you're --
-Boxes and boxes of government cheese.
-That's right. -The welfare cheese.
I tried -- One time, I had a meeting with --
a presidential meeting with Obama.
I told him, "You want to slow crime down in America,
get that government cheese program up and running."
People be too constipated to go out and commit crimes.
[ Laughter ] Especially in the polar vortex.
[ Laughter ] Too constipated --
"I'm gonna go rob some -- No, I'm gonna sit on the bowl."
You know? [ Laughter ]
"I'll be right here." -Polar vortex.
-Just wait -- when you get to a certain age,
you don't got to go.
You just sit there and wait.
[ Laughter ]
[ Laughter continues ]
You might even read the newspaper.
-Yeah. [ Laughing ] It's on the ground, yeah?
-Newspaper's always on the ground.
[ Laughter ]
See, we're -- because men are robust.
When we go to the bathroom, we have our legs open.
-Mm. -'Cause we're robust.
But women -- they close their legs like this.
-Mm. [ Laughter ]
-And then they lean to that left side when they got to...
[ Grunts ]
[ Laughter ]
Everybody leans to the left. [ Grunts ]
Right? -Yeah.
-And then you wipe, and then you look at the paper.
You got to look at the paper. That's your measurement.
-Of what?
-It lets you know if you got to wipe again.
Sometimes, you might miss and get a little bit right here.
[ Laughter ] -You're saying that...
I'm sorry about the... -I don't get Quest.
[ Laughter ]
-Let's talk about -- Let's talk about the show.
-It's true. -Let's talk --
-I'm just telling you about the truth.
-[ Laughter ] Let's just...
-Everybody here missed once or twice.
[ Laughter and applause ]
-All right, let's -- let's not talk for others.
Let's not talk for others.
Let's... [ Laughter ]