- Fuck, if you don't have a husband
I'll marry you right now.
God, I love a girl who lost her parents young.
(dramatic music)
- Thank you.
On this show here's what happens.
A bunch of comics telling true stories
and that's all it is.
Ladies and gentlemen,
please give a warm round of applause
to the host of the Legion of Skanks podcast,
Mr. Big Jay Oakerson everybody.
- This is actually gonna be fun,
'cause this is the story of real friendship.
Real genuine, bonded friendship.
This story happened about five years ago,
and it was, I live in New York.
I remember this story happened,
it was 2:30 in the morning on a Monday night.
I'll never forget that.
And my buddy Dave was at my house,
he was crashing for the night.
We had just smoked weed and had
an hour long conversation about
how Africa by Toto might be the
greatest song ever made.
It's hard to argue.
After that, a couple of high fives and relistens,
we're like let's call it a night,
dude, let's go to bed.
Just then we get a phone call from our friend Lewis,
our Puerto Rican friend that lives around the corner,
and he goes hey guys come over here
and look through my window.
I'm gettin' ready to fuck this Asian chick,
it's gonna be awesome.
And it's 2:30 in the morning on a Monday
and I'm just like, dude, we'll be there in five minutes.
Like 100%.
It's around the corner from my house,
a baseball's throw, tops.
Like I have to go.
I'll beat myself up if I don't at least check it out.
Take a peek.
So me and Dave walk over,
and we're watching Lewis bang this Asian chick.
And it's a thing.
We're watching, and he knows we're watching,
but she doesn't know.
Which is kind of shitty, but at the same time,
hilarious because Lewis, for us,
is like flexing and posing.
We're doin' air high gives and metal horns
and we're air guitaring.
Just a lot of white guy lip biting fun.
Normal right?
Here's where it gets weird.
At one point this Asian girl,
she's on all fours.
Her ass is facing the window,
me and Dave.
She's sucking Lewis' dick,
he's on his knees.
He's looking at us, we're looking at him.
We're all giggling.
Now Lewis, our Puerto Rican friend,
is the proud owner of a small dog,
Jack Russell Terrier.
And before you guys even get weird,
I want you to understand,
this is going exactly where you think it's going.
On my life, true story, out of the blue.
Dog jumps up on the bed from behind,
starts licking her Asian vagina.
Yeah.
Eating her pussy, I know.
Don't feel forced to laugh at that.
I'm just tellin' ya the facts of what happened.
It's not a punch line.
I'm not expecting your laughter.
I'm just tellin' ya what happened.
Me and Dave were hangin' out.
Lewis called, said come watch me fuck this Asian chick.
We go there.
Circumstantially she's in a position,
dog jumps up, starts eating her pussy.
I've told this story in several countries,
all over the world.
To everyone.
No one really laughs from the gut on that.
That's not a funny situation.
When everyone hears that story,
pretty much anyone.
All types of people think the same exact thing.
A dog eating an Asian.
The irony alone is fucking mind numbing.
Did I just see that living breathing pun
unfold in front of my fat fucking face?
I did.
A dog was eating an Asian girl's pussy.
Yeah.
How do handle that situation, ladies?
What do you do?
Go ahead.
Throw it around the horn.
What do you do?
I'll paint the picture for you.
You're on all fours, you're blowin' a dude,
dog starts eatin' your cooch,
what do you do?
Don't even overthink it,
it's war time, you gotta react.
It's happening.
You keep going.
Keep suckin' dick, let the dog eat your pussy?
Fuck, if you don't have a husband
I'll marry your right now.
Oh my God.
I love a girl who lost her parents young.
Well I don't know if you studied
Eastern Philosophy in school,
but that's exactly what that Asian girl did.
She just let it happen.
She didn't make it a weird thing at all.
Like an adult, she handled it.
She didn't even look back and go,
oh it's a dog, and keep going.
She just assumed it was a dog
and kept suckin' dick.
That is Ninja focus like I've never seen before or since.
And I'm not just saying Ninja 'cause she's Asian,
but it does make it funnier, exponentially.
And she knew it was a dog.
She definitely knew.
It wasn't Lewis,
his neck isn't 14 feet long and shaped like a C.
And ladies, if I'm being honest,
I think you just know when a dog's eating your pussy,
there's a lot of giveaways.
If you let it happen you know it's happenin'.
Lot of giveaways.
Wet nose up your ass, there's a big one.
You feel that within seconds,
you're like that feels great,
that's a dog, I have to go.
I have to go right now.
And the dog ate her pussy for
the better part of five to six and one-half minutes.
And then he just stopped,
out of the blue,
he just stopped.
I don't know if he was done,
or he found what he was looking for.
But he tapped out.
And he wiped his little dog chin.
And he looks over at the window
and he sees me and Dave,
because now in fairness me and Dave
are like this up against the window,
'cause we just saw our Puerto Rican friend
and his dog gang bang an Asian chick.
And guess what?
You don't see that every day.
Rarely, if ever.
An interracial, interspecies gang bang?
Good luck.
Go Google that when you get home,
see how many clips you find,
there's none, there's none out there.
I've checked every day since, it's been five years.
And the dog sees me and Dave,
and he knows us.
That's Sport, we know Sport.
Sport gets so excited he runs
over to the window and starts
jumping and barking at the window.
Now me and Dave don't want to get caught,
remember this girl has no idea we're there.
So now me and Dave are outside
posing like trees and statues and shit,
trying to blend in to the nighttime background.
But I felt really bad.
I really did.
And I can't speak for Dave or Lewis
or anybody else in this story.
I felt bad.
Because where I was hiding,
I could see Sport's face, the dog.
And the dog, a real personality on his face,
really showed me confusion.
His face showed dog confusion.
And it made me sad, I connected with him.
We became one for a moment and I felt his pain,
and he proved that day that dog's are man's best friend.
That's all Sport was doing,
he was trying to be our friend.
You see dogs don't share our sense of,
we're caught or embarrassment,
or something bad's gonna happen.
He's just tryin' to be our friend.
Sport's at the window like hey Jay, Dave,
what are you guys doin' out there?
This chick's fuckin' everybody man, get in here.
I'm a dog and just ate her pussy,
did you not see that shit?
It's like suit yourself homo,
and he just danced back inside.
Thank you guys, man, very much.