-My whole family is here tonight,
and maybe that is just making me feel a little sentimental.
But with the holidays here, it got me thinking about
the way things are and the way they used to be.
Heck, sometimes I look around,
and I don't even recognize the world I'm living in anymore.
And that's why I'd like to join my family right now
to talk about how things...
were just a bit more simple...
back in my day.
♪♪
Well, hello, everyone. Hello.
-Hello, hello. -Hello.
-You know, back in my day, we didn't have Black Friday,
the day after Thanksgiving with half-off sales
that help stimulate small businesses.
We had Blackout Friday, where you went to your hometown bar
and got so drunk with your high-school friends
that the only thing that was half-off
was your pants...
and then everyone could see your small business.
[ Laughter ]
-Back in my day, there was no such thing as Friendsgiving.
No, sir, the Meyers family
just had regular old Thanksgiving,
and that was good enough for us.
Plus, Seth didn't have any friends.
[ Laughter ]
-Back in my day, Michelle Obama wasn't releasing a memoir.
Back in my day, if I wanted to read a book about a first lady,
I had to crack open that bargain-bin copy
of the Eleanor Roosevelt biography
that Seth bought me for Mother's Day.
Thanks, big spender.
-Back in my day,
I got a good eight hours of sleep every night.
Now I have to stay up late to watch this show
because Seth calls every morning and says, "Did you watch?"
I made a joke about Trump."
Oh, did you? Way to switch it up.
[ Laughter ]
[ Applause ]
-Back in my day, we didn't sit around the TV
and watch Netflix on Thanksgiving.
Hogwash!
We sat around the TV and watched VHS tapes as a family.
And one Thanksgiving, Mom rented "Basic Instinct"
because she liked Michael Douglas.
And then Sharon Stone crossed and uncrossed her legs,
and let's just say things took a real awkward turn.
I mean, we're a close family and all,
but, Christ Almighty, we're not that close.
-Back in my day, there was no legalized medical marijuana
in our home state of New Hampshire.
It was illegal.
And that's why Seth was suspended in high school.
I'm sorry you had to find out like this, Mom and Dad,
and on Thanksgiving, no less.
-Seth, no.
-Back in my day, the President's staff
wasn't ratting him out to the FBI.
Josh was ratting me out to Mom and Dad
because he's a kiss-ass punk.
[ Laughter ]
-Back in my day, New Hampshire's motto
was "Live Free or Die," and it still is.
But I always thought it should be
"Hey, cheapskates from Massachusetts!
Stop crossing the state lines
just to save a few bucks on booze!"
[ Applause ]
I swear to God, you show me a Massachusetts resident
that isn't a hard drinker,
and I'll show you a unicorn that [bleep] lotto tickets.
[ Laughter ]
-But, honey, I'm from Massachusetts.
-I know you are.
-Back in my day, Bradley Cooper and Lady Gaga
weren't starring in "A Star is Born."
No, back then, it starred
Barbra Streisand and Kris Kristofferson...
and Kris Kristofferson's chest hair.
Thick, lustrous chest hair the density of Larry's mustache.
In fact, there are times when I'm kissing Larry
that I pretend it's Kris Kristofferson's chest.
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
-TMI, Mom. -TMI.
You know, back in my day,
Democrats weren't sweeping the House.
I was sweeping our house because Seth is sensitive to dust.
Fun fact -- he still carries an inhaler.
-Back in my day, the President wasn't in bed with WikiLeaks.
Hogwash!
Back in my day, the only leaks we had to worry about
were the leaks Josh was taking in his bed until he was 14.
[ Laughter ]
-Well, back in my day, we had a house full of farts
'cause Seth wasn't around to eat them all.
-Back in my day, shut up.
[ Laughter ]
-Back in my day, no, you shut up.
-Boys, please!
Back in my day, Seth was our handsomest son.
Because we only had one son.
And then Josh showed up, and it was like,
"Oh, God. That's a good-looking baby."
-Back in my day, Seth didn't force us
to come and watch this talk show.
No, sir, back in my day,
he forced us to come and watch his improv shows.
And, oh, boy, some of them were real stinkers.
You want a suggestion from the audience?
Here's one. Write something funny!
-Back in my day, we didn't buy our clothes all ripped.
If you tore your pants,
you stitched them up or threw them out.
Plus, it's a death trap.
I tried on a pair of those ripped jeans,
caught my leg in a knee tear,
and took a tumble in the dressing room.
-That's a good one, Mom.
You want to tell everyone who wrote it?
-I did. [ Laughs ]
[ Applause ]
I wrote it and texted it to you,
and then I didn't hear from you for a full day.
-What's your point?
-My point is, back in the day, my son wasn't such a big shot
that he couldn't text his mother back.
What did I ever do to hurt you?
-You just said Josh was more handsome.
-That's just a fact, honey.
[ Laughter ]
[ Applause ]
-You know, back in my day, Seth wasn't sitting there
listening to celebrities regale him with stories
about working in Hollywood.
Back in my day, the only thing Seth listened to
were the random radio stations that got picked up
by the massive retainer head gear he used to wear.
We didn't think he'd be a TV star.
We thought he'd be a TV antenna.
[ Laughter ]
-And finally, back in my day,
Seth wasn't hitting home runs on late-night TV.
He was hitting low dribblers to the mounds in Little League.
And we liked that because it was better than all the strikeouts.
-Well, sorry we had to do that,
but sometimes this grumpy grunge butt
has got to get its gripe on.
This has been... -"Back In My Day."