iI this video I'm gonna teach you five simple ways to know if someone's lying
to you.
You might be thinking.... well who are you to tell me that. In case you
don't know me, I'm amber Hollingsworth, and I'm an addiction
specialist. So what that means... every single day people come sit on my
couch, and I have to figure out what's the truth and what's not so much the
truth. So over the years I've studied. I've taken some courses. I've watched
like cool TED Talks. I've read a few books. In this video I'm gonna tell
you a few of those really simple techniques (that I've learned). But best of all,
the last couple that I'm gonna share with you are just my own personal aand
professional experience. So make
sure you listen to the whole video, because those last ones are probably the most
important. Okay number one: if the person is using really formal language, and
they're not talking in the regular casual way that most people talk. For example: think back to the Bill
Clinton interviews about Monica Lewinsky (if you're old enough to
remember that) . He says "I did not have sex with that woman ". You can see how it's
very formal and specific. It's almost like the person is being specific to find the
loophole. Let me give you another example. A couple years ago and I
was dealing with this kid (I think he was in college), and his drug screen was positive
for cocaine. So I said... "ummm it looks like you've been using cocaine. He says, " no
way Amber, you know I don't have any money. I can't afford to buy cocaine." Listen to
that.... "afford to buy cocaine". And, I said, "well, I didn't ask if you could afford to
buy cocaine. I asked you if you been doing cocaine". So you're listening for
overly formal or specific language. It's almost like they're
finding the loophole. They're trying to say something about the question, or the
situation, but not exactly. There may be talking about one specific part, but not
the other part. There you have number 1. Number two is actually one of the
most common things I look for when I'm trying to figure
out is this person telling me the truth. This one is super simple.
Listen more for what someone is not saying, versus what they are saying. This is
because most people really don't like to lie.
Most people will lie if they're backed into a corner, or they're gonna get in
trouble or they are faced with a really bad awkward situation, and they
can't think fast enough. But, for the most part, people don't want to lie. What
they do is, they omit parts. For for me (in my office), if someone comes in and
they're not bringing up the fact that they've been sober , then I usually know
it means that they haven't. Because typically, if you're talking to your
addiction counselor (and you've been sober), you're like super proud of
yourself. And you want to run in there and announce it. You want to say...
"guess what, miss Amber, I;ve got four weeks, three days, and 85 minutes sober!
They want to tell you because they're
excited . They're just not bringing it up (they're sidestepping the issue), and
it's clearly an obvious thing that should be coming up/talked about,
that's a good indicator that they're probably omitting (on
purpose), which is a form of deception. call it lying, call it whatever you want,
omission, but we can all definitely agree that it's deception. Especially when it's
purposeful. It's one thing to not put in a detail t(hat you're really not thinking
about), and it doesn't even occur to you. It's another thing to purposefully omit
information that you know is important to the conversation. Let's call it
what it is. It's lying. Number three: this one should make a
little sense to you. Are you ready? Number three is... They're telling you a story
that doesn't line up, it doesn't make sense to you, it doesn't fit with what
you know about this person, it doesn't fit the timeline. Like, something's just not
sitting right with you. I like to say... When a story doesn't line up, it means
it's not true, or something really important is missing from this story. So
for example, we had this kid in group a few weeks back (maybe a couple
months back), and he had been missing from his house for three days, he had failed
his drug screening, there where items missing from his parents
pocketbooks,. The group was asking... Were you using it? And he' says, "no, you see
what really happened is.... And then he proceeds to you tell this big long convoluted story. It's
almost like you're sitting there like looking at somebody with like blood on
their hands. Like literally, but they keep saying, "what are you talking about", and
they're totally denying it. The story just doesn't make logical sense.
All the time in my office, I hear stories like that. If you're paying
attention to the details, it just doesn't sound like that person.
Or, it just doesn't sound like what a normal person in that situation
would do, or how they would respond. Listen for the details. When
it doesn't line, up I promise you, something's wrong about that story.
Number four: Okay ready? This is where you get super Jedi Mind Tricks skills.
You've got to really stop and check-in here. This is the number one way that I know someone
is being insincere with me, or that they're hiding something from me.
Maybe they're not lying, but they're definitely omitting. Ready?
This super sophisticated. Get ready... You feel bored when you're talking to them. I
know that seems weird ,but when someone's being really authentic and genuine with
you, it's almost impossible to feel disengaged. I don't know what it is. It's
like a magnetic energy that draws you in somehow, but when someone's really just
going through the motions of a conversation, you just don't feel
that energy. And, this really only works with someone that you know pretty well.
but after I've known a client for a while. I know they have a certain
energy, and there's a certain kind of dynamic that happens between me and
each of my clients. Each one is a little different, but you get used to their energy and their
dialogue . When they come in ...Sometimes they can be telling me
all the same, things they usually do, and they're saying the right words, but I'm just like...
I'm hearing you, but I just don't feel that chemistry. What it
means is, yes, you're saying all the right things (you're saying what you would
normally say, but it doesn't feel authentic.
For that one, you really gotta stop and do a check-in with yourelf. Ask yourself, how do I feel
this conversation? Do I feel super engaged in this conversation, or do I
feel like we're both just playing a game. If I have the feeling
we're both playing a game, and it's like one of these like networking events
filled with small talking, and you're getting through it, (just to be
polite), that means you're not getting the full authentic genuine version of that
person. Okay, that's your Jedi mind trick of the day.
This last one is a Jedi mind trick that you already have. This is the
most important. Ready? If your gut tells you something's up... Then something is up!
I'm the biggest believer in the gut feeling ever (especially if we're talking about
parents, or even spouses), because you know your loved one like the back of your
hand. And you know when they breathe different, and when they talk different,
and if you call and they answer the phone and they say hello differently, you
know something's up. Now, you might not know exactly what it is,
but you know they're not telling you something.
Always, always, always listen to your instincts. I really can't think of a time
when I've regretted the fact that I listened to my gut feeling. But, I can think
of a lot of times when I regretted NOT listening to my gut feeling. So just
stop and think about it. I know it's so easy to ignore it when our instincts
tell us something that we don't want to hear, or it tells us to address something
that's going to be difficult, or embarrassing, or causes conflict, and we
don't want to do it. Too often, we excused it away ,or we rationalize
it away, or we say... Oh I'm just being silly, or I'm just overly sensitive, and
we dismiss it. If your gut tells you something's up ...Then something's up! Now I'm
not telling you to hound that person like they're being interrogated by the FBI, but
what I am Telling You is... You need to know in your heart and in your ming
something's up. Now you should probably watch some of my other
videos. In fact, I have one that I made a while back. It was in
beginning when I first started making the videos, about how to deal with people
lying to you you. You definitely want to check that out, because in this video I'm
not telling you how to deal with it .I'm telling you how to know it .So the first
thing you got to do is... know when it is happening, and then you've got to know
exactly how to deal with it. So make sure you check out that video. It was a while back
you know... It was when I was still learning about video making, so no judgments.
However, the information is super good, so check that one out. Okay those
are the top five ways that I can tell if someone is trying to deceive me. 1. Leaving
information out . 2 they're using overly formal or specific language.
3. they don't bring up obvious topics or information that would seem quite
relevant and normal to talk about. Next: the story doesn't make sense it's
just like that just doesn't seem logical or it doesn't seem to make common sense.
Or it doesn't fit their profile of the way they think or do things.
Next: You feel bored disconnected or disengaged when you're talking to them.
You get the feeling like you're in one of those really annoying like social
events that you don't really want to go to and you're not really close to any
one and you have to mingle. It's as if you we're just playing a game,
like talking about the weather. That means you're not getting the genuine
version of that person, or you're at least you're not getting
the whole genuine version of that person. And then lastly and most importantly,
listen to your instincts. They are going to lead you correctly. Don't listen
to your instincts about what to do about it.
Do listen to your instincts as far as knowing the piece of information,but
once you know what's going on, then you need to step back and make rational
decisions about how to respond. I've got lots other videos on how to
deal with that, especially if it has to do with dealing with an addict or an
alcoholic. Make sure you check those out. I've got how to interact with an
addicted loved one. How to talk to someone about their drug or alcohol use.
What to do if someone's lying to you, and lots more. Definitely make sure
you subscribe to this channel, because if this video was helpful for you, you're
definitely going to want to see all the other ones.
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