- Everybody's talking about the election,
are you guys sick of the election?
Well I'm gonna keep talking about it.
I love it, I love elections, I love politics,
I just love politicians.
I love the way they talk,
because they're all weird.
When they're at a podium
they all get this momentum where they're saying nothing.
They're all just saying random shit,
they're not even creative, they're all copying each other.
Politicians, whenever they talk about America being united
they all use the same phrase
where they go it doesn't matter your race,
or religion, your color or creed,
who the fuck has a creed?
It's 2020, nobody's had a creed since 1512.
They think people are walking around
like be strong, be wise, that is my creed.
No one's doing that.
The speech writers are like we gotta hit every demographic,
gay people, black people, Latinos,
knights templar, Franciscan monks,
Bulgarian heretics, everybody.
It would make more sense
if they were talking about the band Creed.
That would actually, that would,
doesn't matter your race or religion,
your color or if you're in Creed.
You're like yeah all right, that's a good point.
They're American too, I don't like their music
but yeah they can vote, sure.
I get it.
You know who I love, I do, dude,
Biden, fascinating.
Dude you know psychiatrists are like wow
like they're studying that dude's speech patterns.
He is fascinating to watch, who knew?
Everything Biden says
sounds like the first line of a fairytale.
He just keeps starting over fairytales.
Like he'll be giving a speech,
he'll be like there once was a fox named Fred
and he was the fastest fox in the forest.
And you're like okay, all right.
It's like when I grew up
my best friend was a guy named Bobby Bignose,
and he had the biggest nose on the block.
You're like what happened to the fox?
Wait, Joe go back to the fox.
My first love was a trolip from Philadelphia.
What the fuck dude?
Finish a fable bro, what are you doing?
I don't even need policy,
I just want a three act structure at this point.
Give me a beginning, middle, and end.
I want a protagonist to root for.
It's not him.
Say what you want about Trump,
the dude finishes his stories.
They're very racist, but they are complete.
So it's like yeah that's a good point,
they are like that, yeah.
Shit.
Biden.
It matters to me, you know.
I'm a minority, this is scary.
I'm a Muslim, are there any Muslims here?
(laughing)
Dude the fucking coolest Muslim in the world, hell yeah.
Yup.
Fuck yeah dude, what's up bro?
Yeah.
Are you the only Muslim in your squad?
- [Man In Crowd] It looks like it.
- Dude it does look like it, holy shit bro.
You're the fucking only fucking Jofa in the fucking circle.
All right I see you.
Dude I love you bro, I gotta say that.
Everybody else hates us.
Right, do you feel that?
- [Man In Crowd] Sometimes.
- Sometimes, okay don't shit on my premise.
You're like actually I have a lot of friends.
You clearly do, yeah.
You look very well adjusted.
Everybody hates us dude,
I don't know if you keep up with the news.
Fucking India hates us, China hates us.
That is everybody, that is most people.
It's 50 billion people, that's every person.
The internet really hates Muslims,
have you noticed that?
He's not paying attention.
He's talking to his white girlfriend of course.
I don't wanna out you bro, I'm just kidding dude.
You're white friend,
just Chelsie who you study with.
Dude the internet really hates Muslims,
the internet hates Islam, it's so over the top.
I know this because I have a video of my stand-up
on YouTube.com.
It's pretty cool right.
Someone's like yeah get your name out there, hell yeah.
A video of my standup on YouTube
and I read every comment.
I read 250 comments on my video.
Which you're not supposed to do,
but I was like well I'm good,
the comments will reflect that.
Dude Islamophopia online is next level.
My favorite comment said,
it said Islam is a cancer, Mohammed was a war criminal,
Muslims are rodents, pretty good set though.
I know, I know, it's real.
I was so offended, I was like pretty good?
I got so mad.
Pretty?
Dude the pretty is the weird part for me.
That you would have such extreme views
and then such a banal just pleasant take away from the set.
Like in this guy's world view,
in the world view of LibertyClinger99,
Muslims are evil.
He thinks we're the worst thing on earth.
He thinks we're poisoned on the planet.
He looks at us the same way
that I look at Nazis.
Now I don't think I could watch a Nazi comedian
do a whole set on YouTube,
a whole seven minutes just I'm a Nazi,
my dad's a Nazi, like a whole thing.
You know how funny he would have to be
for me to be like pretty good set though,
he'd have to be so good.
So funny.
Hitler was a war criminal but the kid's got jokes.
So good.
(upbeat music)