Recently on Ask Cristen I tackled a question from a Stuff Mom Never Told You viewer with
chronic migraines who wanted to know essentially whether disability is a dating dealbreaker.
As I mentioned in the video I am a fully able-bodied person so I'm speaking from a privileged position.
I asked viewers for their first-hand experiences with this to fill in the gaps that I couldn't.
And I was so overwhelmed by the number of comments and insights and experiences that
folks shared that were as diverse as disability itself.
Jovanna314 said, 'My fiance is an amputee with PTSD. I made educating myself about these
issues a priority early on and have tried to be as involved as possible in his treatment.
I believe that communication is key and being open and honest about how we both feel about
these issues has helped strengthen our relationship. To the initial question asker, there are people
out there who will love you for you and be able to support you.' Becca. Boot commented,
'I am young (21) and have been disabled for 9 years and I've never been in a relationship.
The problem I have is getting people to see me as someone they could have a relationship.
The thought just doesn't occur to them because they have been so conditioned to think of
disabled, especially visibly disabled people and people using mobility aids as sexless.
There is simply no advice easily available about how to meet people and build relationships
when you struggle to access social spaces.' Virginie Gagne commented, 'Disability is a
dealbreaker for me. I have chronic pain and push people away.' On a lighter note, Carol
de Goes wrote, 'My 4-year live-in boyfriend has multiple sclerosis and uses a walking
stick. We are very much happy and in love. Not a dealbreaker.' J an said, 'As a person
with a physical disability I think dating is a lot harder these days especially with
online dating. Mention the D word and 99% are never to be heard from again.' Dreamy
Things commented, 'I have had ME/CFS for 7 years. In my experience having a chronic condition
or disability hasn't prevented the start of relationships but rather significantly reduces
the pool of people I'm compatible with. Which, combined with my limited energy and being
stuck in a small town, makes finding a suitable partner a much harder task.' Padlocksncocoapuffs
said, 'I have a chronic illness that causes me a lot of pain and sometimes limits my movement.
My partner has always accepted it and tried to help me as much as he can. It definitely
is all about communication and empathy.' Virtual high-five to your partner Padlocksncocoapuffs.
Dis-Harmony said, 'I have a visual impairment called Stargardt's which causes me to lose
my central vision and lowers my peripheral vision. When it comes to dating, well I usually
just avoid it cause I'm not confident enough or I don't tell them right away because I
don't want to have to explain myself.' Janine Kane said, 'When guys realize how much my
disabilities would affect a relationship, they would run for the hills. I realized that
although I don't have many people in my life, the friends and family who did stick around
are incredibly strong and worth their weight and gold. I choose to focus on them. Maybe
I'll meet someone who can deal with all my "added extras" but in the mean time I'll care
about those who truly care for me.' Butanoverture shared, 'I have a genetic condition which
also results in vision impairment. Growing up I was frequently bullied and always internalized
the feelings that I was disgusting, stupid and not worthy of love. When you feel like
this and you have disability it is difficult to convince yourself otherwise as a society's
view of people with disabilities so often confirms your feelings. I have been a relationship
for over 4 years with an able-bodied partner who is incredibly supportive. I am in turn
able to support her with her social anxiety and depression. We're now engaged. I know
that I'm lucky but I hope we get to a point where I'm not seen as lucky because relationship
where someone has a disability is no longer perceived as a rare thing.' Vicky Ball commented,
'Shortly after moving in with my fiance I fell ill, it turns out I have always had a
heart condition and it was just passed off as anxiety raising my heart rate for years.
My fiance has stuck by me the entire time. I'm pretty sure I have found the perfect match
in my fiance and I would have never known how strong we could be if I didn't become
disabled.' Alwen commented, 'I'm 19 and I've had CFS/ME/SEID since I was 16/17 and although
I'm slowly recovering I've actively avoided relationships because of it and still do.
There are some days I can barely get out of bed and can't see or talk to anyone at all
whilst other days I'm almost normal and I don't think most guys around my age would
be willing and able to deal with all of that, nor would I want them to. I already feel like
a drain on my family and friends so why would I bring a partner into the mix?' Stargirl8605
said, 'My boyfriend and I have been together for about 5 years now. I'm handicapped. I've
been this way all my life. He sees nothing wrong with me. Even those with disability
can find love.' Briann A shared, 'I have cerebral palsy. Yes a lot of guys won't consider dating
me due to the fact that I'm in a wheelchair and I talk funny but I'm okay with that. I
think when you are seeking a relationship with a person when you yourself have a disability
you have to love yourself first and not lower your standards. I'd rather be happy and alone
than in a relationship about desperation.' If you have insights and experiences about
dating with disabilities please share them in the comments below because I think this
is a conversation we all regardless of ability need to be having.