Ah, France in the 50s,
When protestant blood flowed like champagne,
And champagne hadn't been invented.
Yes, the 1550s where a noble time for La France.
In 1552,
Why in 1552?
Well, we gotta start somewhere haven't we?
In 1552, the man tasked with keeping France's ship together was a man called Henry the Two (II)
Or as the French called him: Henri deux
...Fromage
Henry II at this time was busy with two things:
Fighting Charles V and his enormous...
...empire
And de killing protestants...
...and the vampires.
We'll get to Alexander Anderson in a second.
So why was Henry II in war with Charles V?
Because Henry II's dad, Francis I went to war with Charles V.
And if there's one thing European monarchs love,
it's completely following or else completely rebbeling aganist their parents.
And meassuring to see who has the biggest...
...army.
Actually Henry II wasn't his dad's biggest fan after he send Henry and his brother to be hostages in Spain for 4 years to secure his own freedom.
But, Henry kept alot of his policies.
It's complicated alright, It's always complicated.
So, Charles V owned alot of land.
Like, alot.
It wasn't all connect and there were some disputes between lords that served under him
but, he was a pretty powerful dude.
Europe was effectively divided into:
England
France
Poland
Stuff that Charles V owned.
And the Ottomans.
Yes, those Ottomans.
This was somewhat troublesome for Henry II, because obviously when all the land around you is more or less one political unit, you're not going to be very influentual in the area.
You're going to be small little babby country
And it's not like France could look towards England for help, because France and England hated eachother's guts.
I mean Francis I tried to reach out toward England, Henry VIII for help, about a decade before he went and made his country...
*disgust*
...Protestant
But, both monarchs were young men in their 20s and they got into an army meassuring...
I mean, wrestling contest.
And... Henry VIII was a bit of a sore loser.
And then Henry VIII's advisor allied England with Charles V right before Francis I went to war with him...
And then Henry VIII became protestant...
And France and England continued not talk to eachother like a couple of scchoolgirls.
Anyway, back story aside.
Henry II was pressed for allies
Strangely enough, he got along well with the Ottomans.
Who were muslim.
Go figure.
They even helped him in the Habsurg Valois wars, despite not being Valois.
Now, these wars go back a long way, over 50 years, but suffice it to say, that Henry II wanted to take back land in Italy, and more generally assert his power in the European political landscape.
France managed a sucessfull attack on Leuven...
not in Italy.
But, when it started to advance into Tuscany, Charles V became to push back and France lost an important battle at the Marciano della Chiana.
And, things went downhill from there.
Still, the war wasn't a total bust for France.
Henry II couldn't nab Italy, but he did take and hold on to some cities in Leuven.
And, in the middle of everything Charles V stepped down from being king of half of Europe.
And, gave Spain to his son Phillip and the ol' HRE to his bro Ferdinand.
Over time, the two countries would begin to drift apart and become...
2 countries rather than 1 big Hapsburgia
And, as an added bonus when Bloody Mary quite contrary married Phillip and brought England into the war...
France finnaly menaged to reclaim Calais after 200 years...
Finnaly, that border made sense again!
What is it with the UK and messy borders?
Hang in there, Northern Ireland!
Well said and done, Henry II had to sign a peace of Cateau-Cambrésis,
And pinky swear, that he wouldn't steal Italy any more.
And to his credit he didn't.
So, he goes home and marries his daughter Elizabeth de Valois to Phillip, the guy he was literally at war with.
Because, the ever unmarry, marry one just died and that's how marriage worked at the time.
To celebrate he posts a huge jousting tournament and this is were things get freaky.
A man by the name of Nostradamus
Yes, that Nostradamus.
Wrote a crapton of prophecies, which were all vague and could be applied to a number of situations.
One of them went like this:
Henry II is at his jousting tournament of peace.
Henry enters a match aganist Gabriel Montgomery.
Captain of the Scottish guard...
...of France.
It's complicated.
The tournament was held on the Champ de Mars.
Literally, the field of Mars.
The God of war.
According, to the science channel both man's shields hat lions on them.
Gabriel Montgomery was 11 years Henry's junior.
They jousted with blunted lances but Montgomery's broke and the pointed end went straight up into Henry's eyeslit.
He died 10 days later.
Tell me, audience
which is more likely:
One of Nostadamus's hundreds of prophecies conciedentally, reflected one even in the future history of the world.
Or there are much darker forces in this world, then we realise.
You tell me.
You
tell
me.