I'd like to call upon myself, Your Honor.
Awesome.
Which of your esteemed co-counsels will examine you?
My father, Lenny Koufax.
What?
Forget it, Sonny.
What is going on?
Nobody in this world thinks I shouldn't have a child more than that man.
He also happens to be a well-respected lawyer in Florida.
If I can make a believer out of him, I can make a believer out of everybody.
This court is after the truth, not the opinion of the defendant's father.
You want my opinion? My son is a moron.
I withdraw my objection. Please proceed.
Mr. Koufax.
This is a big mistake.
I only came today to make sure you didn't end up in jail.
That was nice of you. Thank you.
To do what I think is right here.
Cut your fingernails. They're too long.
Okay, Dad.
This case is simple.
It is absurd to think that Sonny Koufax is ready to raise a child.
-Objection! -Shut up, Tommy.
Sorry, Mr. Koufax.
First of all, how did...
...this sweet little boy, Julian, end up under your supervision?
I told Social Services that my name was Kevin Gerrity.
-Of course, you are not Kevin Gerrity. -No.
-So you lied. -Yes.
Like the time I found a bag of pot in your drawer...
...and you said you thought they were pencil shavings.
Yeah.
Remember when I told you Aunt Fay was coming to New York...
...and I wanted you to show her the city?
And you said that you had better things to do.
That's right.
I'm curious. Just what were those better things that you had to do?
Jethro Tull had a reunion concert in New Jersey, so I caught that.
What happened to Aunt Fay that weekend?
She died.
Yes, she did.
Did you happen to make it to her funeral?
-Why not? -I went to Jones Beach...
...got drunk and fell asleep.
Hell, yes!
Some role model.
Your Honor...
...my son doesn't have health insurance.
He doesn't know how to boil an egg.
He filed for social security at the age of 30.
He is a drain on the economy, on the country...
...and most of all, on me!
Your Honor, to give this young man...
...custody over another life is not only wrong...
...it's insane.
Hey. I love you.
-What? -Don't be scared. It's all right.
I'm not scared.
If I get custody of Julian, I'll be his father forever.
That scares you because you think there's a good chance I'll fail.
Sonny, it's more than a chance. It's a certainty.
You're wrong, Dad.
You can be scared that I might get pickpocketed in a bad neighborhood...
...or break my legs skiing.
But don't be scared about me being a dad, because I will not fail.
I love this kid too much.
I love him as much as you love me, Dad.
I'm gonna give him advice and I'm gonna guide him...
...and I'll be there whenever he needs me.
I'll fly to New York to be at his court case...
...even if I disagree with why he's there.
But, Sonny, you work in a tollbooth.
Don't worry about money.
I am in love with a beautiful girl who makes plenty of it.
She'll be my sugar mama.
I gotta get me one of those.
I know this is the right thing because I would die for this kid...
...just so he won't feel one ounce of sadness.
That's why you're here right now, to protect me, to be scared for me...
...to be a good father.
And that's exactly what I'm gonna be.
Hello, Dad?
Yeah, I just wanted to say I love you.
Hi, Mom? Could you put Dad on the phone for a second?
Can I borrow that when you're done?
Your Honor...
...my son deserves this kid.
I love you too, sir.
Mr. Koufax...
...the fact is you kidnapped this child.
Not only shouldn't you get custody...
...but since you obtained him by defrauding the state...
...you should be in jail.
Bailiff, remand him until I can figure out the punishment.
Wait. You can't take him away.
As that boy's father, I refuse to press charges.
Oh, God. Corinne, I'm sorry.
Six years ago, Joe Carter....
Joe Carter?
Toronto and the Phillies. World Series.
Mitch Williams-- We flew up for the night.
-There was a girl. -Oh, God.
I'm an idiot. I was so hammered.
Chicken wings, Molson 3-0. Canadian beer is like moonshine.
Hell, yes.
You remember? It was at that Toronto Hooters.
That was before he met you. That Hooters thing is a coincidence.
I'm sorry, Corinne.
I know this changes everything, but I had to do the right thing.
Mr. Castellucci.
Pending a blood test, I....
Whatever.
The court grants custody to Kevin Gerrity, pending the DNA test results.
I want you to be my dad, Sonny.
I know. I do too, pal.
But I'm not sure that can happen exactly the way we want it.
Because it seems you already have a daddy.
But I'll tell you what I can do.
I can be your friend, no matter what. All right?
I'll always be your friend.
I'll always be your family. I'll always be around.