- One of the houses I looked at
was owned by a couple, who were getting divorced.
It's very sad.
And it was the husband who was showing me around.
And I'd realised what was going on straight away
and I decided just to go through it very quickly
because it was clearly painful for both of them.
And I don't know if you've ever been shown
around the house or have shown somebody around your house
but there's a degree of stating
the obvious involved isn't there?
When they say things like,
"This is the kitchen."
(crowd laughs)
I know.
But I call it the biscuit room, but whatever.
(crowd laughs)
This is the living room.
Yeah, it's not the biscuit room
(crowd laughs)
He took me upstairs to a closed door and he said,
this is the master bedroom.
I said, "Great."
He said, "I'd love to show you in there.
But I can't."
I said, "Oh, why not?"
He said, "I can't show you in there
because there's a lady crying in there."
Which is sad
but also quite an unusual way
of describing his wife when potentially he's
the reason she's crying in the fucking first place.
But I said to him,
"Look, I'm divorced myself.
I understand what you're going through.
I know that this is horrible for both of you
and you just want to get it over and done
with so you can both move on with your lives independently.
I understand.
You have my total sympathy.
You really do.
But I also know that it can cry in the bathroom
so fucking move her."
(crowd laughs)
Now the house I looked at was owned by a really posh lady.
So I already hated her.
It's terrible isn't it?
Not supposed to hate anybody.
I only hate posh twats, it's fine.
(crowd laughs)
I was going to say, have we got any in
but I've just remembered where I am.
(laughs)
(crowd laughing and clapping)
Yeah you're all clapping and there'll be a couple
of people at the back from Jesmond going,
actually, there are posh people in tonight.
(crowd laughs)
But this posh lady was very dramatic
in all of her gestures,
she said to me
"There is under floor heating throughout."
I said "That doesn't impress me,
love, I've got slippers."
(crowd laughing)
And as if to hammer it home,
She said, "There isn't a single radiator
in the whole building."
And I, because sometimes me mouth kicks
in before me brain's had a chance just said, well
how do you dry ya knickers, then?
And the friend that I was with said,
"Just Chuck them on the floor."
(crowd laughing)
But I found the house that I liked and I got a survey done
and the survey came back and it meant nothing to me at all.
But luckily I've got a friend who's a builder.
And he said, let me have a look at it.
And I'll put it into layman's terms for you.
I said, "Smashing."
Now give us a cheer if you own your own home?
(crowd cheering)
Give us a cheer if you rent?
(crowd cheering)
see, up until this point I'd only ever rented
and I think there are phrases that mean nothing to those
of us who rent that the rest of you understand.
Cause my friend, the builder said
'There is one thing you will need."
I said, "Oh yeah, what's that?"
He said, "You'll need a damp proof course."
And I genuinely said,
"I haven't got time to go to college."
(crowd laughing)
But the house that I bought had a log burner.
I've never had a log burner before.
I got quite excited about the log burner.
Not as excited as my fella did.
He just went, "Oh my God,
we'll be able to get a toasting fork?"
(crowd laughing)
We'll be able to toast things?
and I thought he just know I've got a toaster doesn't he?
But I went straight out.
He went to work.
I went straight out and bought a toasting fork.
And I came back in, I grabbed a loaf of bread
and I thought I'm just gonna to sit and work my way through.
I fucking love toast.
(crowd laughing)
I couldn't get it to work.
And I rang him and I said, "I can't get it to work."
He said, "How can it not work?
It's fire and bread."
(crowd laughing)
I told him what I'd been doing.
Turns out I should have had the little door open.
(crowd laughing)
Oh, might as well have been
lying slices of bread on top of me radiators.
Or in amongst me knickers on the under floor heating
oh yeah right,
that's probably too much yeast all together isn't it?
(crowd laughing)
But when I moved from the flat to the house,
I had bits and bobs of furniture,
not much, but I had some stuff
and I was trying to work out what would best go where.
And I said to me fella "God, I wish I had a tape measure."
He said, "What do you need a tape measure for?"
I said,
"I just wanna know if that unit will fit in that alcove."
And He said,"Well, I can sort that out for you."
I said, "I don't want you to move it.
He said, "No, I can work it out for you."
And I said, "Have you got a tape measure?"
He said, "No, but I've just got
like an instinct about these things."
And I thought, "Ha ha ha...fucking instinct."
(crowd laughing)
Let's have a look at your instinct, pet.
And I said, "Go on then."
So this is genuinely what he did.
He went like this.
(crowd laughing)
Yeah yeah that will fit
(Crowd laughing)
I said, "Is that it?
You could at least get your cock out and done
six inches, six inches, six inches."
Hello, Sarah Millican here.
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