I've seen a lot of things in my practice, and one of the things that still boggles my
mind that I've seen, and it actually works out is when a partner still sees their ex,
is friend with her ex, and has a healthy relationship with someone else.
It's not common, in fact, I believe it's pretty rare, but it does happen.
And because it happens, I want to talk about it a little bit, because many times when you
find out that your partner is still talking to their ex, you get enraged and you may fly
off the handle, say something you later regret, and what's important is for you to understand
some particular things.
I have five things— five questions— that I would ask myself and my partner, and, here's
the difference, when I see couples who still have an ex in their present and that ex is
allowed to have dinner with them and their partner and be included in celebrations, especially
if they have kids with their partner, it's because the partner, the new partner, does
not feel like there's something going on with her partner and his or her ex.
When you open that up, when you make it known to your ex that you are in love with someone,
and that you have a healthy new relationship with someone, and you have moved on from the
past, gained understanding, and know why it didn't work with your ex but still want to
be friends or have that connection open, it can work.
So this is what I'm going to say upfront, if your partner that you're with now is meeting
with their ex, and it's something they don't want you to know about, that is a red flag,
but, otherwise, before you panic, slam the door, and leave, consider these five things.
The first one, you want to ask yourself “how long has it been since they broke up?”
People who have broken up a long time ago, and especially if they have kids and they're
still co-parenting, that's a lot different than if they just broke up.
If they just broke up, then I would be more reluctant to let an ex in again.
I would be more sure of that boundary I had with my new partner, that “listen, if your
ex is still here, then you have not completely let go.”
So, I think that's the first one.
Secondly, “was the breakup mutual?”
This is so important.
Especially if it was a relatively one-in-a-lifetime relationship, because when you weren't ready
and someone else broke up with you and that relationship was significant, there may be
unresolved business going on inside you.
You're not ready to let go.
And let's say you go on and get into a new relationship, that new person is going to
feel it.
They're going to be able to see that you are still in love or have not let go of the ex,
and it's very important that the two of you talk about this.
Like “what are you going to do?”
“Do you want to go back and talk to your ex?”
Don't ever get involved with someone that still has unresolved anger, frustration, or
feelings for their ex, because, if they feel that way, there's a small space that can grow,
especially if they're around that person.
And not only that, if they’re still lingering or having thoughts or feelings about their
ex, then those are thoughts and feelings that they can't have for you.
And so, I think that's significant, and I would pay attention.
“How often do they communicate and how do they communicate?”
You know, I think it's very important that you know the frequency they talk.
Are they co-parenting?
Or are they, like, getting together?
Are they sending each other funny texts throughout the day, you know, most days during the week?
When they do get together, are you excluded or are you allowed to be part of that conversation?
Do they talk about you when they're with their partner?
Do they talk about you in a loving, respectful way?
Do they share it, like, on their social media?
Are you now pictured with this partner and so the ex would know “okay, those two are
really together and they’re really healthy and happy.”
I'm saying this because, sometimes, if your partner is not up front with it, they may
be dangling the ex on, or they may be feeling like “well, it’d be nice if I could still
have a relationship with both.
The same intimate relationship.”
And then they'll rationalize it, “might even be better for my child.”
What a child needs from a divorced or broken home are two parents who are committed to
loving that child enough, to making strong boundaries and not violating them, because
it puts the child in a very bad position.
Anytime you see your partner sacrificing their child for a connection with each other, then
I think that's a red flag, because two people should be able to co-parent.
Two people who created this child and at the same time have very clear boundaries about
“this is my new partner, in a healthy relationship, and although I respect your mother and I loved
her, I loved you, I love you, I'm not committed to her as far as being her partner.”
Those lines must be made clear to the child.
“What do they do when they hang out?”
When your partner tells you, “you know, I'm going to meet up with my ex today cause
we going to go over this,” what are they doing?
I think that's very important.
And also, what's extremely important is when do they talk?
Like, many times, part of the problem comes because one of the partners is feeling like
their partner’s sneaking, like they're talking too late at night.
They’re basically violating boundaries, because, let's face it, if you're in a healthy
relationship then you have a time when you go to bed together or when there's phones
off, and you know for certain that you trust that your partner's not talking to another
person at that time, even their ex.
So, if they wait until you go to bed or they’re an early riser and they communicate first
thing in the morning before you get up, that's not a good sign.
I think when someone has healthy boundaries, that means that they are going to communicate
with their ex at a time you could see.
The phone could be laying down and you could pick it up and see.
They have nothing to hide because they're in love with you, but I would check that out.
And if they're texting during the night when the two of you are in bed or getting up at
night to read a text, I think that's a clear sign, a warning sign, that this person, that
this relationship, is not over between your partner and their ex.
And in that case, I would encourage you that you may have to leave, but I would talk about
it first.
And lastly, “what do they still share in common?”
A lot of people who form a new relationship, they have their values in common, but what
they like to do, their interests—travel or bird watching or what nature walks or whatever
those things are— they still share with their ex.
And unless you're willing to go with them and embrace their passion or be part of that
passion, if it means a lot to them, then they're going to always have that draw toward their
ex.
Or they may share pictures of what they've seen, or you know, in the example of birds,
people who are birders, I'm telling you, when they see a rare bird, they have to share it
and they may still send pictures to their ex.
You're either going to embrace that and say “yeah, I get that” because I'm not into
it at all and I don't want to take that away from them then I think that's one thing.
But if you are like “I don't want you having any communication with your ex,” if you
see an opportunity where the ex is manipulative or may throw you under the bus or try to sabotage
the healthy relationship their partner now has with you, then I think it's important
that you embrace whatever the passion is.
Say “I will learn about it, I want to grow in this, “Whatever that is.
If it's not going to work for you, then it's something you have to be honest with and tell
them your concern but also say “you know, this is something I'd rather you belong to
a society” or something like that, that you can share the information.
These are all very tricky, complicated relationships.
And when it's with an ex, I think where I've seen the most benefit, not only for your marriage—
for your relationship now— but for the ex, especially if they’re co-parenting, is that
you embrace the idea that this ex is part of your partner's story, and because you love
your partner, you try to be accommodating and understanding and loving enough of them
that you can offer them some grace with this.
It's really hard to parent, to join another partner who has a child and you have to watch
when they all get together and are happy, but, if nothing else, look at your child eyes.
Cause, usually, that child will be really happy that they have a new stepparent that
is willing to give them the benefit of having everyone together, no one fighting, and everyone
somewhat getting along.
It's important for family law.