I'm so excited to be here, you guys.
This is a very big deal.
It's a very big deal for me.
My husband and I actually,
we're taking this
as sort of an anniversary trip.
My husband and I are gonna celebrate
our 26th wedding anniversary
in a couple of weeks.
(audience cheering)
Thank you. It's a big deal.
And we weren't sure he was
gonna be able to make it
because he is a school teacher.
He's been a school teacher for 24 years
and he's state testing
in Texas where we're from
and they do not give you time off
for good behavior.
(audience laughing)
But he actually got to come,
so it's very exciting for us.
But it is hard.
It is hard because we are trying
to keep the romance alive
since we've been married for so long.
I will tell you that the other night,
he did say I was really hot.
(audience cheering)
And then he told me to move back
to the other side of the bed.
(audience laughing)
(audience cheering)
'Cause he was trying to sleep.
Going through menopause.
I am too hot for teacher.
(audience laughing)
Being a teacher, that is a tough job
for me to be married to.
(audience laughing)
It's hard on me.
He has to wake up at
stupid early hours,
and then it's really hard
for me to get back to sleep.
(audience laughing)
We have lots of times that
I'll be on the computer
trying to make vacation plans,
and then he'll have to get on
so he can make lesson plans
or whatever, it's hard.
(audience laughing)
Yeah, I had to repeat the
seventh year of our marriage.
(audience laughing)
'Cause he caught me cheating.
(audience laughing)
Oh no, no, no. Not what you're thinking.
No, I stopped doing laundry
and I was just Febreezing everything.
(audience laughing)
Before I met my husband,
I was in a relationship
that I was convinced was the one.
I was completely in love with this guy.
I thought we were gonna get married
and have babies.
Totally in love until,
I saw this guy barefoot
for the first time.
(audience laughing)
He was missing the baby toes
on both of his feet.
He had a total of eight toes.
Ocho toes.
(audience laughing)
I'm kidding, Spanish speakers.
I know the actual term is
Dedos de los jusidad.
So anyway, I was so grossed out
that I broke up with this guy
at the swim party.
I said, Dude, I'm sorry. I can't do it.
And my friends were mean.
They were like,
"Kristen, I didn't know
"you were so shallow."
I said, I prefer the term
lack-toes intolerant.
(audience laughing)
I said it's gross.
I can't have babies with him.
I guess they'd get discounts
on pedicures.
I guess that's the upside.
20% discount.
(audience laughing)
We do have kids.
My husband and I have
three daughters, which is too many.
(audience laughing)
For us, having children
is a lot like taking shots of tequila.
You gotta know when to quit.
There's a very fine line between,
"Oh my gosh, this is so much fun.
"We're having a great time.
"Keep them coming."
And, "I think that last one
"messed me up."
(audience laughing)
(audience applauding)
Oh, I feel all bloated.
Maybe that last one was a mistake.
(audience laughing)
I do try to be a good mom. I do try.
When my kids were little,
I only had two at the time.
One of my friends found out I had kids.
He didn't have kids.
He had no idea what parenting meant,
but he decided to give me
some parenting advice anyway.
He said, "Kristen,
"you know what you need to do?
"Now that you have kids,
"you have got to get your kids pets,
"'cause pets are very important
"when you have children.
"Pets teach your kids responsibility.
"They're educational.
"Run out and get your children
"at least one pet."
Yeah. Thank you, hillbilly Dr. Phil.
(audience laughing)
So I took his advice but
we were in an apartment
and all we could have according
to our lease, was hamsters.
So I took my two small children
to go pick out one hamster.
That was the plan.
But you don't take two kids
to get one anything.
(audience laughing)
So I took them to the pet store.
We get to the door,
they each bee-line
in opposite directions,
and before I can catch up with them,
they fallen in love
with a different hamster
and I'm like, huh.
So I asked the kid working there
to check them
and make sure that
they're both girl hamsters,
'cause we can only afford one cage
and the birds and the bees
and hamster husbandry
was a little more education
than we were looking for.
(audience laughing)
And this kid checked them, he said,
"You're good to go, ma'am.
"These are two female hamsters.
"You've got two girl hamsters
"right here."
So we bought those two hamsters
and the cage and we took them home
and my daughters named them
Hope and Joy,
and it was adorable
for about three weeks.
And I thought they were having
little hamster slumber parties
and a hamster sorority house,
and it was Chi Rho Delta.
I don't know what I thought.
(audience laughing)
I was all excited.
For about three weeks until
it turned out that Joy was a boy
and we had hamster babies.
And that's when it got educational,
'cause I don't know if y'all know this
but hamsters eat their young.
(audience laughing)
Mmhh. Yeah, it got
real educational real quick.
(audience laughing)
'Cause then I had to explain
to my small children
why this mommy hamster
ate her baby hamsters.
I said, well, see the mommy hamster,
she knew that there was
something wrong with her babies
(audience laughing)
and so she had to eat them.
(audience laughing)
Which is gross, I know that.
But it really has helped out a lot
with the discipline at my house.
(audience laughing)
(audience applauding)
'Cause apparently that's all
you have to do
is scare them real good
when they're little,
and then you can use that forever.
My youngest wasn't even born then,
but she still knows the lesson
of the hamster Greek tragedies.
(audience laughing)
I'll be like, I'm sorry,
I believe I've asked you
to clean your rooms three times
and you still haven't done it.
See, I've been afraid there might be
something wrong with y'all.
(audience laughing)
And momma's gettin' hungry!
Sleep well y'all.
(audience laughing)
But I do want to thank y'all so much
for supporting live comedy.
You guys are heroes. You're awesome.
(audience cheering)
I do love being a stand-up comic.
The only bad part I found
about being a comic
is I do have to work a lot of late nights.
Like I was working at a comedy club
when I was home in Houston
and my daughter called me,
told me to stop by the store
on my way home
and pick up some toilet paper,
'cause we were out.
When you live in a house
with a bunch of women
there never seems to be
enough toilet paper.
I don't know what sort
of creative projects
they're coming up with, what uses,
I have no idea,
but we never have enough.
I was like, that's great. It's 12:30.
I've had a few drinks and now
I have to go to the Super Walmart.
What could possibly go wrong?
(audience laughing)
I showed at my house about 1:30 AM
with a riding lawnmower and golf balls
(audience laughing)
and I forgot the toilet paper.
(audience laughing)
It's not my fault. Have y'all
been to the Super Walmarts?
They got way too much stuff
going on in that store.
I mean you can book travel,
get your eyes checked,
get your nails done, get your hair done,
get your taxes done,
buy groceries and firearms.
(audience laughing)
They will sell you guns at Walmart
and then they'll let you
check yourself out.
(audience laughing)
Y'all got way too much
going on in the store.
I do have an 18 year old kid
at my house about to graduate.
Scary time.
"I'm an adult now. I do what I want."
It's so scary. 'Cause I know.
I know some night soon
this is gonna happen at my house.
"Well, there you are.
"I mean, it's about time.
"I've been sitting here worried sick
"and here you come,
"giggling to yourself, stumbling in.
"Oh, is that alcohol I smell on you?
"You know what?
"I am just real embarrassed
"to call you my mother."
(audience laughing)
(shushing)
You're gonna make me wet my pants.
Did you say you're embarrassed of me?
It's a good thing you didn't see me
riding this riding
lawnmower home then.
(audience laughing)
I had to leave the real car at home.
I brought you some golf balls, though.
(audience laughing)
'Cause I love you.
Hey, do you remember
when you were a baby
and you used to throw up on me
for no reason at all?
(audience laughing)
Come here.
Momma wants to give you a hug.
(audience laughing)
Where are you going?
You forgot your golf balls.
(audience cheering)
And that's why I don't drink anymore.
So I do worry about us,
you guys, though.
I worry. I do want to thank you.
Nobody has their cell phones out.
We're used to seeing
just tops of heads
and illuminated foreheads
when we look down,
this is very nice.
I do, I think we're addicted
to technology, you guys.
We are so addicted. I really worry.
Within our lifetimes,
we're gonna have to go
to like an ATM doctor.
We won't see a doctor person anymore.
We'll just go to the machine
for diagnosis.
You swipe your insurance card.
You swipe your debit card.
You stick your finger in
for pulse readings.
"Welcome to the automated doctor.
"Please enter the symptoms
"that you believe you have."
(audience laughing)
Alrighty, um . . .
Let's see, I've got blurred vision,
can't see out of my right eye
and I got fainting spells.
"Thank you.
"The automated doctor has
"looked at your symptoms
"and determined that you either
"have glaucoma or diabetes.
(audience laughing)
"Please, press one if you believe
"you have glaucoma.
(audience laughing)
"Please press two if you believe
"you have diabetes."
(audience laughing)
Oh, oh, it's me now? Okay.
I don't know.
I'm not real good with decisions, so—
(audience laughing)
"Are you still there?
"Please press one for glaucoma.
"Please press two for diabetes."
Yeah, I was about to do it.
I'm just trying to figure it out.
"You have chosen diabetes.
"You do not have the funds
"for diabetes.
(audience laughing)
"Please press one if you now
"believe you have glaucoma."
(audience laughing)
(audience applauding)
I mean, I kinda liked that one
better in the first place.
"You have chosen glaucoma.
"You do not have the funds
"for glaucoma.
"Thank you for using
"the automated doctor.
"You've been assessed
"a $50 copay. Goodbye."
(audience cheering)
So, the big news at my house right now
is that my mother-in-law
just moved in with us, his mom.
Yeah, those groans are correct.
(audience laughing)
She's never liked me.
And I was really, I was really nervous.
And I have to be honest,
I have been pleasantly surprised.
It's been fine. She's been quiet.
She's mostly stayed in her urn
and left us alone.
(audience laughing)
I'm kidding.
It's a joke, we couldn't afford an urn.
(audience laughing)
She's actually in a box.
Inside a crushed velvet bag
that says Crown Royal on it.
(audience laughing)
I do have to get out of here.
You guys have been very nice. I do—
I was sleeping with my husband
the other night.
All right, fine,
he was sleeping. I was plotting.
But the point is,
I think he was having
a nightmare or something.
His little legs were kicking.
He was flailing around
on his side of the bed,
like (groaning), right?
Like he's being chased, right?
He's running from something
scary in a nightmare,
like a monster or something
and I felt bad for him.
So I reached out,
and I went "Gotcha!"
(audience laughing)
Good times.
His heart stopped
for nearly two minutes.
(audience laughing)
And then I had to go sleep downstairs.
Oh, not 'cause he was mad,
'cause he wet the bed.
(audience laughing)
And I didn't have any Febreeze handy.
(audience laughing)
Thanks, you guys so much.
I'm Kristen Lindner,
you've been wonderful.