THINGS ARE LOOKING BAD FOR TRUMP, BUT LUCKILY HIS CLOSEST
POLITICAL ALLIES ARE SHAMBLING TO HIS DEFENSE.
STARTING WITH SOUTH CAROLINA SENATOR AND MAN WHO CAN'T
BELIEVE WHAT THE DEVIL GAVE HIM FOR HIS WORTHLESS SOUL, LINDSEY
GRAHAM.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) IT'S WORTH NOTHING!
I CAN'T BELIEVE IT!
GRAHAM WAS ASKED WHAT HE THOUGHT WOULD CONSTITUTE INAPPROPRIATE
QUID PRO QUO, AND HE PUT ON A ONE-MAN SHOW TO DESCRIBE TRUMP'S
CONDUCT IN THIS THEORETICAL SCENARIO, SAYING, "'UH, HEY PAL,
YOU KNOW, YOU NEED TO LIKE, GO AFTER THE BIDENS OR I AIN'T
GONNA GIVE YOU ANY MONEY,?'
HE'D BE REALLY, LIKE, THUGGISH ABOUT IT."
LINDSEY GRAHAM KNOWS THAT "GUYS AND DOLLS" ISN'T REAL-LIFE,
RIGHT?
"PUT THE SQUEEZE ON DIAMOND JOE, ZELENSKY.
OR YOU'LL BE SLEEPING WITH THE FISHES FASTER THAN YOU CAN SAY
'23 SKIDOO.' (SINGING)
"YOUR COUNTRY NEEDS SOME DOUGH, LET'S DO A QUID PRO QUO.
YOU GOTTA GO.
AND GET ME DIRT ON JOE.
UKRAINE, UKRAINE, I HOPE THIS DON'T CAUSE ME PAIN."
RAN OUT OF LYRICS, BUT I STILL WANTED TO SING THAT.
THAT'S ALL RIGHT.
>> Jon: THAT WAS GOOD!
>> Stephen: LINDSEY!
HOUSE MINORITY LEADER KEVIN MCCARTHY ATTACKED THE ENTIRE
PREMISE OF THIS IMPEACHMENT INQUIRY.
>> THE PHONE CALL IS NOW PUT FORTH.
THERE IS NOTHING IN THAT PHONE CALL THAT RISES TO THE LEVEL OF
IMPEACHMENT.
>> DID THE PRESIDENT DO ANYTHING WRONG?
>> YES.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Jon: WHOA!
WHOA!
>> Stephen: OH MY!
I'M SORRY!
THAT WAS SO QUIET.
SORRY, KEVIN, COULD YOU SPEAK UP?
I COULDN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE DEATH RATTLE OF DEMOCRACY.
OF COURSE, MAYBE WE'RE BEING UNFAIR.
MAYBE.
JIM, PLAY THE REST OF HIS ANSWER.
>> YES.
YOU KNOW, THE QUESTION- THE QUESTION THE DEMOCRATS AR
NOT ASKING, DID HE DO SOMETHING WRONG?"
THEY HAVE RAISED THIS TO IMPEACHMENT.
THAT'S THE QUESTION THAT'S TAKING PLACE.
>> Stephen: SO YOU'RE SAYING THAT BEFORE
THE DEMOCRATS HOLD IMPEACHMENT HEARINGS, THEY SHOULD FIRST ASK
DID TRUMP DO SOMETHING WRONG?
FAIR ENOUGH.
KEVIN MCCARTHY, DID HE DO SOMETHING WRONG?
>> YES.
>> STEPHEN: OKAY.
IMPEACH AWAY.
IMPEACH AWAY!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) KIND OF SAD.
TODAY, THE HOUSE INTELLIGENCE COMMITTEE HEARD TESTIMONY FROM
ACTING DIRECTOR OF NATIONAL INTELLIGENCE, JOSEPH MAGUIRE.
AT ONE POINT, MAGUIRE TOUTED HIS PROFESSIONAL QUALIFICATIONS, OR
RATHER, THE LACK THEREOF.
>> I AM NOT POLITICAL, I AM NOT PARTISAN, AND I DID NOT LOOK TO
BE SITTING HERE AS THE ACTING DIRECTOR OF NATIONAL
INTELLIGENCE.
I THOUGHT THAT THERE WERE PERHAPS MORE PEOPLE WHO WOULD BE
BEST AND MORE QUALIFIED TO DO THAT, BUT THE PRESIDENT ASKED ME
TO DO THIS.
>> STEPHEN: (AS MAGUIRE) "AND I WAS THE ONLY SUCKER DUMB
ENOUGH TO TAKE IT.
DO I AT LEAST GET TO KEEP THIS TINY BOTTLE OF WATER?"
EVEN THOUGH THE WHISTLEBLOWER'S COMPLAINT IS DISTURBING, MAGUIRE
TOOK IT IN STRIDE.
>> WHEN YOU READ THE COMPLAINT, WERE YOU SHOCKED AT ALL BY WHAT
YOU READ?
>> CONGRESSMAN...CONGRESSWOMAN -- EXCUSE ME -- AS I SAID, I HAD
A LOT OF-- HAVE A LOT OF LIFE EXPERIENCE.
>> STEPHEN: (AS MAGUIRE) "OH, I'VE SEEN THINGS YOU PEOPLE
WOULDN'T BELIEVE.
ATTACK SHIPS ON FIRE OFF THE SHOULDER OF ORION.
I'VE SEEN ERIC TRUMP EAT SPAGHETTI WITH HIS BARE HANDS."
"TIME TO DIE."
( LAUGHTER ) THEN, THE QUESTIONING TURNED TO
MAGUIRE'S CONVERSATIONS WITH THE PRESIDENT.
>> DID YOU EVER SPEAK TO THE PRESIDENT ABOUT THIS
COMPLAINT?
>> MY CONVERSATIONS WITH THE PRESIDENT ARE PRIVILEGED AND IT
WOULD BE INAPPROPRIATE FOR ME BECAUSE IT WOULD DESTROY MY
RELATIONSHIP WITH THE PRESIDENT.
>> STEPHEN: OH, I THINK THAT SHIP HAS SAILED.
( LAUGHTER ) WHEN HE SEES YOUR TESTIMONY, I
THINK YOU'RE GOING ON THE "OLD-DAYS-WHEN-WE-WERE-SMART"
LIST.
( LAUGHTER ) BUT NOT EVERYONE TOOK THE
WHISTLEBLOWER'S COMPLAINT SERIOUSLY.
LIKE CALIFORNIA REPUBLICAN DEVIN NUNES, SEEN HERE UNSUCCESSFULLY
BLOWING SMOKE UP THE PRESIDENT'S BUTT.
( LAUGHTER ) NUNES ACCUSED THE MAJORITY OF
ACTING IN BAD FAITH.
>> DEMOCRATS ON THIS VERY COMMITTEE NEGOTIATED WITH PEOPLE
WHO THEY THOUGHT WERE UKRAINIANS IN ORDER TO OBTAIN NUDE PICTURES
OF TRUMP.
>> STEPHEN: THIS IS WHERE I CALL B.S.
( LAUGHTER ) NO ONE, NO MATTER HOW BADLY THEY
WANT TRUMP IMPEACHED, WANTS TO SEE HIM NAKED.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( PIANO RIFF ) WE'VE A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU