- If the baby's crying, we get up as a,
feed, we feed together.
Everything is a duet.
This is not how my father and mother worked it.
(audience laughs)
If I was crying, my father,
"well, go get him! I gotta work!"
(trilly hip-hop music)
- What are we doing with these names, America?
(audience laughs)
Like, why mess with normal names?
No one thinks we're from old-line British money.
Like Huxton.
I'm sorry, are you a hotel lobby?
What are these words?
(audience laughs)
Bliston, Blixen, Dasher, Dancer.
(audience laughs)
Braxton, Hicks, Contraction, come here!
(audience laughs)
But, it wasn't until I got pregnant that first time
that I became personally in-tune
with how often women are asked about children.
Prior to that, no one had ever asked me about children
because I'm a standup comic.
(audience laughs)
"Well, you'll just die in a clown suit somewhere,
on a regional flight, won't you?"
But, I realize how often people ask women about this.
I didn't get that before, right?
Now, it's totally normal and innocuous to ask a woman,
"do you have kids?"
That's an okay thing to ask,
because it's, we'll call it traditional.
Someone had kids. It's why we're all in this room, right?
It's totally traditional for two humans,
regardless of gender, to put their bodies together,
and then, through means of sex, science, or trade,
(Audience cheers)
acquire smaller humans that they then put in their home,
and then subsequently put to work.
Okay?
(audience laughs)
That's what's done.
It's a little less traditional to be like,
"we're in a throuple and this is our tortoise."
But, okay.
(audience laughs)
- My son Frankie is now 19 years old.
(audience cheers)
19 years old, high school graduate.
He has all his shots, ladies.
(audience laughs)
People tell me all the time, you know,
"why do you talk about your son so much?"
Because he won't leave.
(audience laughs)
"Does he like it when you talk about him?"
I said, "no, he hates it."
"Oh, why do you do it?"
"Because he won't leave."
(audience laughs)
I'll tell you what he likes to do right now.
He likes to sit around the house, and watch videos
of other kids playing video games.
See, some of you're clapping.
I didn't know that was an actual thing.
I asked him, "what are you doing?"
"I'm watching other kids playing video games."
I said, "that's, really? Why?"
"Well, they're professionals."
I'm like,
"why would you watch something that you could be doing?"
"'Cause they're professionals."
"That's dumb."
"Really, Dad, every Sunday I see you watching football.
How come you don't play?"
(audience laughs)
I didn't even argue. I just cut off the internet.
- I made a horrible business decision.
I got married and had two children.
Horrible idea.
I love them.
But just, they just grow, and get bigger,
and need more money, and more money.
At this point, it's like,
I'm living with two unemployed coke addicts.
(audience laughs)
Seriously, they come into my office every morning,
"hey, you got more money for me?"
"What happened to the change from yesterday?"
"I don't know, the economy, right?"
(audience laughs)
And, I spoil 'em.
I spoil the hell out of 'em.
'Cause they're girls. They're two girls.
So forget it. They got me. Oh, they got me.
I hope they don't watch this and realize.
(audience laughs)
No, they got me.
And, and you know, my father had money,
but he didn't spoil us,
so I'm going the other way, you know?
My father made money. But he's like,
"I'm not gonna give it to children.
(audience laughs)
I'm gonna spend it on what I wanna spend it on."
Could you imagine living in a time
where the children weren't in charge?
Sounds like a magical time to be alive.
(audience laughs)
(audience claps)
To be honest, I don't want them to leave.
That's gonna be rough. I don't want to see 'em go.
No, it's fun. It's all, you know.
They're not even that great, and I want 'em to be around.
(audience laughs)
(chuckles) We have a mean girl.
We have a mean girl, yeah.
I didn't know they were real.
They're real.
(audience laughs)
Yeah, I feel guilty.
I made it, I feed it, I'm keeping it alive.
(audience laughs)
I give it money.
It's like I'm funding the terrorists.
(audience laughs)
But, it is complicated 'cause I can't tell how mean she is.
Like, when we were little, if you were a bad kid,
they came right up to your father at school,
"hey, you got a shitty one, here."
(audience laughs)
And, your father was grateful
that an adult was talking to him.
"Thank you, I'll beat him immediately."
(audience laughs)
Now they'll get fired if they say that, so it's confusing.
I can't tell how mean she is, you know?
And I love her, so it's all.
I'm sure at some point Hitler's parents
must have turned to each other like
"he's a little weird, right?"
"Yeah, he's weird. He's six.
Who is a mustache like that, at six."
But, you know, this is all a part of it.
You wanna prepare your kids for life, but it's hard, right?
We're not really prepared for life, it's hard.
Like I said, everybody's complaining
and feeling like they're not doing all right.
You're doing great. You're doing great.
I promise you.
I don't say that lightly, my friends. I don't.
I don't know any of you.
And, I'm telling you, you're doing great.
I'll go one better,
you're peaking right now.
(audience laughs)
- So, I said, "I got an idea." I take Frankie to Walmart.
(audience laughs)
We get to Walmart and Frankie goes,
"what are we doing here?"
(scoffs) "I got it, watch."
We walk in. I said, "grab a cart, follow me."
And, I lead Frankie all the way to the candy section.
Well, as soon as we get to the candy section,
I stop the cart (giggles) and I got in Frankie's face
and I said, "Frankie, you have exactly 30 seconds
to grab as much candy as you can.
(audience laughs)
Ready? Go!"
And, he froze.
He, (mimics scared moaning)
I said, "dude, clock's ticking, you better move."
"Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God."
So, he grabs a bag, looks at it, throws it in the cart,
grabs a second bag, looks at it, throws it in the cart,
grabs a third bag, and on the third bag,
"Time!"
And, it was the first time I heard him go "shit!"
(Audience laughs)
Because, he knew he wasted that golden opportunity,
those first few seconds.
So, we get to the car, I rip open the three bags,
I dump 'em out in his bucket, and I tell him,
"look, Frankie, when we get home, you cannot tell your mom
that we went to Walmart."
"Why not?"
"Because, she's gonna say that we cheated trick or treating"
"But, it's better."
"I know it's better."
(audience laughs)
So, we get home and, of course now it's a different tone.
She's like, "there you are. Did you guys have a good time?"
"We had a great time, baby.
We had a good time, huh, Frankie?"
(audience laughs)
"That's good. Frankie, gimme your candy."
"Why mom?"
"Because, I need to go through your candy
to make sure it's safe for you to eat."
"Why wouldn't it be safe? It all came from."
(speaks foreign language)
(audience laughs)
He almost took down the empire, you know what I'm saying?
So, he hands over the bucket, and she grabs it,
and immediately dumps it out on the table,
right in front of us.
She notices, you know.
"There's a lot of the same candy right here,
a lot of the same candy.
Can you explain why there's so much of the same candy
in Frankie's bucket?"
"I don't know what to tell you, baby.
There's a lot of basic bitches in this neighborhood
you know, just kind of, (audience laughs)
I don't know.
We can't go back to that other neighborhood,
because they got cameras and they're gonna know us,
and we don't wanna be that person. Nobody wants to be that."
- We get that next question that you always get,
when you're newly married.
Everybody wants to know if we're having kids.
And, I'll tell you, parents, you are not making it look fun.
(audience laughs)
You guys all have a glaze in your eyes.
So, we're dog moms right now. That's what we're doing.
(audience cheers)
And, we'll see what happens.
- And I didn't even know if I was gonna look,
but it's hard not to.
My wife's Jewish, right?
So, the baby starts coming out.
I saw the head, I saw jet black hair.
I'm like, "babe, I think the Italian penetrated the Jew.
(Audience laughs)
I think we got an Italian Catholic baby."
Little ear came out, that's when I lost it.
As soon as I saw my daughter's ear come out,
I'm like, "babe, I can't believe, this is unbelievable."
And then more head started to come, and then more head.
Now, I'm like, "what hell is wrong
(Audience laughs)
with the head?"
Nobody told me it comes out like a football.
So, I'm...
My wife's like, "is she cute?"
I'm like, "she's gonna have some problems in school,
with the other kids.
(Audience laughs)
Did you save the receipts for the hat set we bought?
They're not gonna fit on this cone.
It's all fucked up down here, I don't know what's going on."
Nobody told us.
So, my wife checks the baby.
She's like, "she's got a stuffed up nose."
Now, babies can't blow their own nose.
I didn't know this.
(Audience laughs)
I thought they just, (mimics sneezing)
And then, you know, sneeze and shit came out.
I'm like, "I didn't know that we had to assist in this."
My wife gives me this apparatus.
It's like a bullet.
You put in a nostril, and there's a hose attached,
and you're at the other end.
And I go, "babe, what do you, you want me to suck the snot
out of her nose and then swallow that?
I'll do it, if that's what this requires.
But, shouldn't we read the box or Google it?"
(Audience laughs)
So, here I am, 3:00 AM, in my underwear,
with the tube up my daughter. (imitates sucking)
(Audience laughs)
My, my wife's like, "what's wrong?"
She goes, "there's supposed to be a filter."
I go, "there's no filter. I got it.
I got it right here. I got it right here.
(Audience laughs)
- That's the kind of world we live in.
It's so fucked up, man.
And your timid and lame ways,
that is trickling it down to your kids.
Man, your kids is lame as fuck right now.
(Audience laughs)
Got your kid thinking everything he does is great,
and everything everybody else does is wrong.
And he the most beautifulest, and the most talented.
But then, when he get in the real world,
we let him know he suck dick.
(Audience laughs)
All of a sudden, he on medication.
Be real with your kids.
Let them know, everybody drawin'
can't go on the refrigerator.
(Audience laughs)
Some of that shit is drawer bound, God dammit.
(Audience laughs)
- You single people, you don't have to go on a play date,
which is basically a blind date,
that your toddler sets you up on,
(Audience laughs)
with some bitch you have zero chemistry with.
You single people, you don't have to be nice
to your mother because you need her for babysitting.
(Audience laughs)
You don't have to smile,
and listen to all of this unsolicited parenting advice
from this woman who neglected the shit outta you.
(Audience laughs)
Because you want time to yourself to binge Bridgerton,
to feel alive again.
(Audience claps)
- Everybody wished. And boy, we got what we wished for.
How many parents were rubbing that lamp, wishing away?
"Oh, I wish I could spend more time with my kids.
Oh, oh"
(evil laugh) Your wish is granted.
(Audience laughs)
Yeah, a lot of parents realized the only reason
you like your kids, is because you only know them part-time.
(audience applauds)
You meet them in the morning, you send them off,
you tuck them in at night.
It's a pretty sweet gig.
But, the next thing you know, everyone was trapped indoors.
24/7.
Ooh. It was so fun to watch the parents flip.
It was so fun.
Remember at the beginning, all the parents were there.
They were like, "You will not open the schools.
My children are not going anywhere.
I will protect them at all cost.
I'm a mama bear and I'll protect my cubs, you hear me?
You'll not open the schools until the virus is gone.
(Audience laughs)
Nine months later.
Now the same parents are there, screaming on the stoop,
"when are the God damned schools opening?
You can't expect me to spend all day with these kids.
Who am I, their mom?
They should be in school."
The kids are there like,
"but mommy there's a new variant out there."
"Listen, Timmy.
Listen, at some point you're gonna have to see
what you're made of, okay?
(Audience laughs)
Either your lungs are gonna make it or they ain't,
all right, buddy?
Now, get on out there and see what you're made of,
all right?
If Simba could do it, so could you.
Hakuna Matata. Go on buddy.
Go on. (laughs)
(Audience claps)
(jazzy bass)