( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: WELCOME BACK,
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.
MY NEXT GUEST IS A COMEDIAN BEST KNOWN FOR CREATING AND STARRING
IN "THE CARMICHAEL SHOW."
PLEASE WELCOME JERROD CARMICHAEL!
♪ ♪ ♪ ( APPLAUSE )
>> OH, MY GOODNESS!
WHAT UP?
HOW ARE YOU, MY MAN?
GOOD TO SEE YOU GUYS.
YOU GUYS ARE GREAT.
>> Stephen: AREN'T THEY?
>> YEAH.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).
>> Stephen: NICE TO SEE YOU AGAIN.
YOU WERE HERE A YEAR AGO.
>> YES.
>> Stephen: YOU WERE A SPRIGHTLY 28.
NOW YOU'RE A WIZENED 29, MUCH WISER NO DOUBT.
>> CAN I TELL YOU.
>> Stephen: PLEASE, DO.
>> TODAY IS CRAZY.
>> Stephen: TODAY IS CRAZY?
>> IT'S A CRAZY DAY.
>> Stephen: FOR YOU?
>> FOR ALL OF US.
AND I'M SURPRISED WE'RE NOT FREAK OUT RIGHT NOW.
>> Stephen: WHAT HAPPENED?
THE C.I.A. IS LISTENING TO US THROUGH, LIKE, OUR PHONES.
THEY CAN CONTROL OUR CARS.
THEY CAN-- THAT MEANS -- >> Stephen: OUR TVs.
>> OUR TVs.
>> Stephen: THEY SAW MY BUTT.
>> THEY SAW IT!
>> Stephen: YEAH.
>> THAT MEANS THAT CRAZY UNCLE WHO, LIKE, PUTS TAPE OVER HIS
CAMERA AND TELLS YOU, "HEY, THE GOVERNMENT'S LISTENING TO US."
WE THOUGHT HE WAS CRAZY.
HE'S A (BLEEP) PROPHET.
THE MAN IS A PROPHET ( APPLAUSE )
IT'S INSANE.
>> Stephen: YEAH, THAT'S TRUE.
THE WORD "PARANOID," THE WORD "PARANOID" SHOULD BE REMOVED
FROM THE DICTIONARY.
BECAUSE THERE'S NOTHING YOU COULD SAY-- YOU GO LIKE, "YEAH,
IT'S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN."
>> IS TUPAC STILL ALIVE, STEPHEN?
IS HE.
>> Stephen: DON'T GET MY HOPES UP.
DON'T PLAY WITH ME.
>> PAC-- IS-- PACFYOU'RE OUT THERE, KEEP YOUR HEAD UP.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THAT'S MY MESSAGE TO TUPAC.
>> Stephen: STAY AWAY FROM THE TV.
STAY AWAY FROM THE TV.
>> BUT WHAT ELSE DOES THIS MEAN?
>> Stephen: WHAT ELSE DOES THAT MEAN?
I HEARD-- GENERAL PETRAEUS ACTUALLY SAID IN SOME RECORDING
THEY HAD OF HIM WHEN HE GOT BUST A COUPLE OF YEARS AGO, SAID YOUR
MICROWAVES CAN LISTEN TO YOU.
YOUR MICROWAVE OVENS CAN LISTEN TO YOU.
SO YOU'RE DOING A HOT POCKET AND THEY'RE LIKE,"HE LIKES
PEPPERONI."
>> STEPHEN, THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT THAT MEANS.
IT MEANS A FEW OTHER COMPROMISES COULD BE TRUE.
>> Stephen: SUCH AS?
>> I MEAN, I DON'T WANT TO SOUND LIKE A CRAZY PERSON BUT DWE GO
TO THE MOON?
>> Stephen: I'M PRETTY SURE.
>> BUT, BUT, GIVEN TODAY'S NEWS OF, LIKE, ALL-- YOU CAN'T TRUST
THE GOVERNMENT.
AND I ALWAYS-- I ALWAYS INEQUALITY WAY, BUT HAVING IT
CONFIRMED IS SOMETHING NEW.
IT MAKES ME A LITTLE NERVOUS.
I'M A LITTLE RIGHT NOW.
I MEAN, EVERYTHING-- IT MAKES ME REALIZE THAT, LIKE, AMERICA IS,
WHILE BEAUTIFUL, SO INCREDIBLY (BLEEP) UP.
AND I'VE JUST GOT TO DEAL WITH THAT.
>> Stephen: YEAH.
>> IT'S HARD TO-- IT'S HARD TO --
>> Stephen: YOU HAVE TO LOVE IT, THOUGH.
YOU HAVE TO STEER INTO THE (BLEEP).
YOU HAVE TO STEER DO INTO IT.
KEEP BREATHING.
IT'S ALL (BLEEP) TOGETHER.
>> TOGETHER.
>> Stephen: MY NEXT GUEST AFTER YOU, WE HAVE GENERAL
MICHAEL HAYDEN ON HERE, WHO USED TO BE THE HEAD OF THE NSTAY SAI
AND C.I.A.
I'M GOG ASK HIM ALL THIS STUFF.
DO YOU HAVE ANY QUESTIONS YOU WANT ME TO ASK HIM?
>> I'M GOING TO SIT OUT HERE AND DO THE PHIL DONAHUE THING.
I FEEL LIKE WE ALL HAVE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
YOU KNOW WHAT LIVING IN AMERICA IS LIKE?
>> Stephen: WHAT IS IT LIKE?
>> IT'S LIKE FINDING OUT YOUR GRANDMOTHER DIED WHILE YOU'RE
GETTING (BLEEP).
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: GOOD NIGHT!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) NOW, I WANT YOU-- I WANT YOU TO
KNOW SOMETHING.
I NEVER KNEW MY GRANDMOTHER.
( LAUGHTER ) SHE DIED WHEN I WAS VERY YOUNG.
>> OKAY.
>> Stephen: GO ON.
GO ON.
HOW SO?
( LAUGHTER ) >> WELL, IT'S-- IT'S
BITTERSWEET.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
LIKE-- LIKE -- >> Stephen: THAT REALLY DOES
NOT ENCAPSULATE THE SCENARIO YOU DESCRIBED.
"OH, THIS IS BITTERSWEET."
>> I'LL TELL YOU WHY.
THIS IS WHAT LIVING IN AMERICA IS LIKE.
IT'S LIKE-- IT'S LIKE-- OH, MAN.
OH, NO, NOT GRANDMA.
BUT IT STILL FEELS AMAZING.
IT'S STILL THE GREATEST THING.
OR MAYBE NOT.
I DON'T KNOW.
I'M A LITTLE NERVOUS RIGHT NOW.
>> Stephen: NO, I APOLOGIZE FOR QUESTIONING YOUR ANALOGY
NOW.
I'M SO SORRY.
NOW, YOUNG MAN-- CAN I CALL YOU A YOUNG MAN?
BECAUSE YOU'RE YOUNG AND YOU'RE A MAN.
ARE YOU COOL WITH THAT?
>> FINE.
>> Stephen: YOUNG MAN, LAST TIME YOU WERE HERE YOU SAID THAT
TRUMP HAD-- QUOTE-- SOME INTERESTING IDEALS.
>> OH!
>> Stephen: YEAH.
WHAT ARE THE MOST INTERESTING IDEAS HE HAS HAD SO FAR SINCE
BEING PRESIDENT?
AND ARE THEY STILL INTERESTING TO YOU?
>> INTERESTING-- IN THE WAY THAT, LIKE, WHEN YOU FIND OUT
YOUR GRANDMOTHER DIED.
( LAUGHTER ) YOU KNOW --
>> Stephen: IT IS INTERESTING.
IT IS INTERESTING.
>> YOU KNOW WHAT WAS FUN BETHAT, I WAS THINKING ABOUT THATS,
BECAUSE THEY ASKED FOR A CLIP AND I WANTED TO SHOW THE LAST
TIME I WAS HERE.
I KNEW TRUMP WAS GOING TO WIN FOR A WHILE BECAUSE YOU CAN'T
JUST EYE DON'T, IT'S-- YOU.
>> Stephen: REALLY DID SEEM LIKE--
>> I FELT -- >> Stephen: YOU REALLY SEEMED
LIKE YOU WERE LIKE, "IT'S GOING TO HAM."
>> I'M ON A DIFFERENT STAGE OF GRIEF, I FEEL LIKE.
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.
>> Stephen: DID NILE, ANGER, DEPRESSION, WHERE ARE YOU.
>> I'M LIKE, "SO DAD CHEATED ON MOM?
HE'S STILL A GOOD GUY."
BUT I DON'T THINK TRUMP'S A GOOD GUY, I'M SAYING-- I'M SAYING--
NO, NO.
I'M SAYING-- I'M AT THIS PLACE WHERE IT'S LIKE, MAN-- AGAIN,
JUST ACCEPTING OF AMERICA IN ALL OF ITS FLAWS AND ALL OF ITS,
LIKE-- THAT'S WHY I KNEW IT.
NOW, IT'S A LOT OF WORK TO DO NOW I THINK IS WHAT IT BASICALLY
MEANS IS THAT NOW-- WE HAVE TO JUST-- I DON'T KNOW.
THE INTERESTING IDEAS BECOME FRIGHTENING.
AND NOW IT'S, LIKE, TIME TO ACTUALLY GET TO WORK, AND IT'S
ACTUALLY TIME TO DO SOMETHING.
SO NOW MY FOCUS-- ( APPLAUSE )
YEAH, OF COURSE,.
>> Stephen: ARE YOU-- ARE YOU, LIKE, POLITICALLY INVOLVED?
DO YOU HAVE A-- DO YOU HAVE A MISSION OR DO YOU HAVE SOMETHING
YOU CARE ABOUT THAT YOU ARE WORKING ON?
>> THAT'S THE THING, I GOTTA-- IT'S SO MUCH.
I DON'T KNOW WHERE TO START.
WHERE SHOULD I START.
>> Stephen: LIFE IS A FULL-TIME JOB, JERROD
CARMICHAEL.
>> DO YOU CARE ABOUT.
>> Stephen: OH, I CARE ABOUT THINGS LIKE THE GOVERNMENT NOT
WATCHING MY BUTT THROUGH MY TV.
>> BUT WHAT DO WE DO?
THAT'S THE QUESTION.
WHAT DO WE DO?
>> Stephen: KEEP YOUR PANTS ON.
HOLD ON NOW, YOU'VE GOT A NEW STANDUP SPECIAL CALLED "8".
WHERE I CAN SEE IT?
>> HBO.
>> Stephen: PREMIERES THIS SATURDAY ON HBO.
IF YOU LIKED THIS INTERVIEW-- DISPI-- YOU WILL LOVE THE
SPECIAL.
JERROD CARMICHAEL, EVERYBODY.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH FORMER C.I.A. DIRECTOR MICHAEL HAYDEN.