[ Applause ] -Thank you.
I like Facebook.
[ Light laughter ]
That´s a weird thing to say. I know.
But I wish more websites were like Facebook.
Like, how awesome would it be
if you could go to a porn website,
and there was a category called "People You May Know"?
I think that´d be very exciting.
[ Laughter ]
I´d be like, "Forget about these amateurs.
I´m gonna see if my friend Jeff is on here.
That´d be pretty cool."
[ Laughter ]
I went to a restaurant not too long ago
that was not yet open to the public,
because I´m a cool guy.
And it was this thing.
It was just for friends and family
of the people who worked at the restaurant.
It was called a "soft opening."
Have you guys heard that expression -- a soft opening?
-Yeah. -Yeah.
That is the most disgusting phrase
I have ever heard in my life.
[ Laughter and applause ]
A soft opening.
I -- I don´t want to go anywhere near a soft opening...
[ Laughter ]
...let alone eat inside one.
I´m sorry.
I´m sorry. [ Laughter ]
Yeah.
I was watching a Ryan Gosling movie on cable
every night, and...
[ Laughter ]
There was this scene in the movie I saw
where Ryan Gosling is watching his son be baptized
from the back of a church,
and he just starts crying.
And it´s very emotional, very moving.
And I was like,
"How does Ryan Gosling start crying like that
when he´s acting in a movie?"
So I read an interview with him, and it turns out,
what he´ll do when he wants to start crying
is he´ll just think to himself,
"What if I wasn´t Ryan Gosling?"
[ Laughter ]
And then the tears just start to flow.
[ Light laughter ]
I have a 2 1/2-year-old son.
And I did not want to become one of those comedians
who was always talking about fatherhood,
but then I thought to myself,
"Who´s the most famous comedian
who always talked about fatherhood?
Bill Cosby."
And, yeah, that´s when I realized,
you know, there´s an opening at the top.
[ Laughter ]
[ Applause ]
Right? So...
[ Cheers and applause ]
Yeah. Thank you.
That´s a G-rated Bill Cosby joke in 2017.
That´s very hard -- very hard. [ Laughter ]
My son is starting to say really funny things.
The other day, he asked my wife, "Can I touch your boobs?"
And she was like, "No, you can´t touch my boobs."
And his response was, "Can I do it quietly?"
[ Laughter ]
Nah, dude. That´s way creepier.
That´s a -- [ Laughter ]
Trust me -- it´s not a volume issue.
That´s not the problem. [ Laughter ]
I´m worried about him growing up,
´cause I think kids grow up a lot faster than they used to.
Like, I was talking to my nephew, who´s 8.
And he -- he was just mentioning some girl in his class.
And I said "Oh, is that your girlfriend?"
And he said, "No, girls have cooties."
And I was like,
"Oh, well, you know, some day, you´ll like girls."
And he said, "Stop being so heteronormative."
I was like, "Whoa." [ Laughter ]
[ Audience ohs ]
Where´d that come from?
[ Laughter ]
I don´t think I´ll be good at giving my son the sex talk.
Like, I know I´ll say things that will confuse him.
You know, I´ll be like, "All right, listen up.
You should always practice safe sex
and never have sex without a condom,
because, trust me, once you do,
you´re never gonna want to go back to using a condom again.
So..." [ Laughter ]
"It´s just a lot less fun, so..."
[ Light laughter ]
Yeah.
[ Light laughter ]
Boy...I think we can all agree
that the country is crazy right now politically.
Here´s how f´d up things are right now --
I actually know who my congressperson is.
[ Laughter and applause ]
Yeah. [ Cheers and applause ]
That is not normal.
Let´s not normalize that.
I don´t want to know that guy´s name.
But we´re a very divided nation, but, personally,
I choose not to focus on the things that divide us.
As people, I choose to focus on the things that unite us.
And the one thing we all have in common,
whether you´re Republican or Democrat
or black or white, gay or straight,
each and every one of us --
we all have a podcast.
And I think that´s...
[ Light laughter ]
...what´s gonna take us into the next decade.
[ Light laughter ]
Well, I have to go in a minute, but before I do,
I just wanted to make a quick announcement to you guys
as a public service,
that October is National Awareness Month.
So...yeah.
[ Laughter ]
Just -- Just be on the lookout in general.
[ Laughter ]
Thank you very much. [ Cheers and applause ]