- [Child] Dave Chappelle Cereal!
(twinkling music)
- That's right kids, I finally got my own cereal,
the first black man since Mr. T!
- I'm rich beotch!
(upbeat music)
(groaning)
- What is it honey?
- I got a big meeting tomorrow
and I still can't sleep.
I took sleeping pills and everything.
- Relax honey, I think I've got just the thing.
- [Announcer] From the makers of Valtran and Simmalox
comes America's number one sleeping aid, Ribs.
(audience laughing)
- Hickory!
Oh wow.
(audience laughing)
- [Announcer] Here's how it works,
one ingested, ribs go to work on your stomach,
spreading barbecue sauce and greasy porkiness
throughout, creating an age old condition called,
the ITIS, you'll feel sluggish, drosy
and should be asleep in a matter of minutes.
- There's that ITIS!
- Thanks Ribs.
- [Announcer] Side effects include laziness,
high cholesterol, high blood pressure,
barbecue stains, wild bowels, doo doo smells worse
and mud butt. (farting)
- Mudd butt.
(audience applauding)
- But you still said not five minutes ago
that you are afraid that I was gonna
end up lookin' like my mother.
- I didn't say that.
- Yes you did! - No that's not
what I said! - You did!
You said-- - Tired of this
happening to you?
Are you sick of your friends and family
getting everything you say all mixed up?
Well, help has arrived.
(twinkling music)
- Don't call me a liar. - I didn't say that!
- Oh no? - No!
- Read back five minutes ago.
(audience laughing)
- Janice; what are you saying Bryan?
Bryan; I am afraid, I just feel like
someday you might look like your mom maybe.
Should I read more? - Oh no, that's fine
thank you.
In your face.
- I'm gonna go masturbate.
Home stenographer, can you write that down?
- The home stenographer, now for a small
one time fee plus minor upkeep.
You can have your very own permanent record keeper
right in your house.
With the home stenographer, you'll turn any room
into a courtroom. (soft dramatic music)
- Read back when that babysitter told the kids to go to bed.
- Young woman; all right you little brats, go to sleep.
My boyfriend's here, we're gonna have us a sex session.
Kids; we don't want to go to bed.
Young woman; well you can watch if you want,
just keep it down.
To the boyfriend, drop your pants big man.
- [Woman] Well she's never coming back.
- Thanks home stenographer.
- Dude, no matter how drunk I was,
why would I say that I would make out with Matt Damon?
- I don't know man, yo said it though.
- There's no way.
- Read it back to him.
- [Announcer] And now for those on the go,
the travel stenographer, backpack sold separately.
- I guess if it came down to it, I would bang Ben Affleck.
- Oh my God, I knew it was one of those dudes!
You are so gay now!
- Stupid dwarf!
(audience laughing)
- Totally gay, 100%.
- [Announcer] Home stenographer and travel stenographer.
Available in stores now. - Available in our Walmart's!
- [Announcer] For years we've all watch celebrities
accepting awards get played off by the house orchestra
when they're speech runs on too long.
- My parents were really disappointed when
I dropped out of school.
But I felt like I really just needed to find myself.
- Word.
- But then you know, I was like you know what,
let me just go to Howard like my father you know.
Well then my girlfriend Gina, she called me up,
she said girl, you have got to get down
to Emery, down in hotlanta!
I was like Gina, number one, why are you callin' me up
tryin' to confuse me, you know Spellman's in Atlanta too.
Second of all you know I'm-- (orchestral music)
- [Announcer] With the Wrap it Up Box,
you've got that same power right in your pocket.
- So then I just went to Howard
where I majored in sociology,
and made a lot of friends and had a really good time.
So that was college, how 'bout you?
(audience laughing)
- [Announcer] From the makers of the home stenographer
comes the Wrap it Up Box!
It's like being the director of an awards show
everywhere you go!
(gavel banging softly)
- Young man you've been found guilty
by a juror of your peers.
The crime you've committed was very serious.
And before I sentence you,
I'd like to say a few words about your arrest record.
(orchestral music) What the hell?
- Yo the sign is real simple B,
it says wrap it up!
Wrap that shit up B.
- I don't think that's a good idea.
- Now you want some too?
You better wrap it up!
(gavel banging aggressively)
You better wrap that gavel up B.
(audience laughing)
That's what I'm talkin' about,
that's what I was telling you.
- [Announcer] With the Wrap it Up Box,
things will come to an end at the perfect time.
Whenever you want them to.
- I'm gonna rock it tonight!
Have you ever felt this in your life?
I'm takin' you on, damn it girl!
(groaning)
Psych, psych, you thought I was done, didn't you?
It ain't over.
Ooh.
Ooh. (orchestral music)
For real?
Not even close?
- Not even close.
- Hold on now, hang in there with me.
How about that?
- Can you read?
Wrap it up.
You need to wrap it up!
Wrap it up! (groaning)
- That's a wrap!
(audience applauding)
- [Announcer] The Wrap it Up Box, in stores now!
Available at all Walmart's.
- Hey mom, what's for breakfast?
- Pancakes.
- Oh mom, not pancakes again!
I wanna eat something fun.
- I think I have just the thing.
- [Children] Dave Chappelle Cereal!
(twinkling music)
- That's right kids, I've finally got my own cereal.
The first black man since Mr. T!
It's call all the treats that you love from my show.
- Purple crack pipes!
- Yellow titty jos!
- Proud musicians!
- And black and white observations!
(audience laughing)
- I'm rich beotch!
- [Together] Wow!