One of the earliest phrases we must have heard in that corrective parental tone is: be nice.
Without really knowing exactly what this meant at the time, we understood on some level that
what we were doing, how we were behaving and interacting with another, was not ok. We were
doing what we wanted to or with this other person, but what we wanted was a problem.
As we grew older, this guidance to be nice continued to be facilitated and reinforced—from
parents to teachers, from religious figures to cartoon aardvarks and tv commercials about soda.
In a world where there are awful people, where awful things happen, where existence in even
its most basic, optimal form is filled with chaos and hardship and suffering,
the guidance to be nice, and striving to be nice, is unequivocally a good thing.
But for many of us, this is about where it ends, and the crucial nuances of what
it means to be kind in a complicated world, and the potential consequences
of misunderstanding how to be, are left out without further guidance or clarification.
Of course, nice is a relatively vague term and subject to multiple definitions
and interpretations. So, to be clear, niceness here is to mean a sort of substantial aversion
to negatively affecting others in any way; a willingness to always accommodate or agree with
others; to say yes; to be quiet; to put one’s own views, sensibilities, and desires in second
or last place. Of course, this definition may differ from what some may hold the term to mean,
but that is part of the problem. Niceness is so easily misunderstood. This sort of niceness,
though it may seem pleasant, on balance and over even a relatively short period of time,
is harmful to all involved parties—the so-called nice person and everyone they interact with.
The consequences of this sort of niceness might lead one to always says that they like or agree
with what everyone else immediately around them does. It might lead one into jobs they don’t like,
working with or for people and companies they don’t agree with. It might lead one
into bad business deals or creative collaborations where one is ignored
at best or taken advantage of at worst. It might lead one to withhold useful ideas or
doubts that counter or challenge other people involved in a shared project or endeavor. It
might lead to one saying yes to every invite or opportunity even when they aren’t at all
what one wants to do. And it might lead one into dreadful, one-sided friendships
and relationships, or to staying in friendships and relationships that have been long-since over.
Generally, the nice person’s goal is presumably to be nice, but not only does
this sort of niceness open oneself up to being taken advantage of, misunderstood, misplaced,
and so forth, but it is also a sort of covert selfishness and unfaithful deception. In truth,
always agreeing with what a person says or wants is not an affirmation that one cares about what
that person thinks or wants, but rather, it is a demonstration that one cares more about how others
think and feel about them. It is a sacrifice of an authentic and caring interaction for the purpose
of favorable self-preservation. The nice person is not truly listening or responding to what is being
said or done or requested. They are performing a show for an audience they so desperately want
to be reviewed favorably for. The nice person interacts with and reacts to others in specific
ways not as an authentic participant but as a means to demonstrate, or perform, a favorable
appearance without concern for the actual consequences or outcomes of their performance.
As a participant in friendships, relationships, work collaborations,
and society at large, we contribute negatively by contributing falsely. Thus,
this sort of niceness often isn’t even outwardly nice—even if comes from a well-intended place.
Moreover, as time passes, the nice person can only withstand misaligned or disingenuous relationships
and arrangements for so long before a resentment and displeasure is bound to harbor inside them,
which ultimately either leads to impairing real opportunities or
causes a slow-burn and tortuous prolonging of an inevitable end.
If we truly wish to be good and meaningful contributors to our social relations, our work,
our self, we must recognize the different kinds of niceness. Here, we can refer to the more optimal
kind as kindness. And what kindness calls for is a reasonable degree of authentic participation,
care, and honesty with others, which often necessitates disagreements and arguments,
uncomfortable moments and conversations, and the termination of relationships
and circumstances that no longer work. Telling someone bluntly how and why you are
frustrated with how they’ve upheld, or not upheld, their side of an agreement or collaboration,
or not agreeing to one at all, may not sound nice, but it is and it will be—to you and to them.
Telling a partner how frustrated you are with their unwillingness to meet you halfway
on reasonable compromises or preferences may not be pleasant, but in the long run,
it is, and it will be. Turning down invitations or opportunities or deals that you aren’t interested
in might not feel very respectful or considerate, but it is, and it will be. Telling a friend that
they’re actions, in your opinion, are foolish or bothersome or unreasonable may not feel nice,
but it is, and it will be. And for those who can’t see that it is, or don’t stick around
to try to or work through it, having that be the last interaction with them may not seem
very fair or nice, but it is, and it will be. We must learn how and continually try to trust
that we can be ok without certain people, without the universal approval and agreement of everyone,
without every friendship or relationship, without every collaboration or invite or deal. Think of
all the time saved. Think of all the illusions and misunderstandings and impossible divergences
prevented. Think of all the resentment and disdain and confusion never harbored.
Of course, none of this is to make light of the difficulty of anything discussed here. Nor is
it to accuse guilt or shame onto those who have or continue to act with this sort of niceness.
The nice person is most often just that: a nice person trying their best, understandably misguided
in how to best go about it. It is a complicated world filled with platitudes and contradictory
instruction. And for many, the problem is only further exasperated, or perhaps caused entirely,
by a shattered sense of confidence, which has been shattered through no fault of one’s own. We can
understand this in others through kindness. And we can work through it in ourselves through kindness.
The kind that isn’t always comfortable or easy; the kind that doesn’t always
make you everyone’s favorite; but the kind that is effective and shows a willingness
to turn one’s positive intentions and hopes into real, positive outcomes in the world.