Do you guys- are you fans of dirty talk?
Do you like it, are you cool with it?
(audience cheers)
Yeah, okay, just like six of you.
Good.
(audience laughing)
I like dirty talk but I don't like it for the reason
I think you're supposed to like it.
Like I don't like dirty talk because it turns me on,
I like dirty talk because I think that it's informative.
(audience laughing)
I can explain.
I was hooking up with a guy,
and I couldn't tell if we were just hooking up
or if we were moving towards a relationship.
Pretty nerve wracking.
And then, on a random Saturday,
he invited me over at around 7 PM.
Which is a weird time.
(audience laughing)
Because I was like, am I going to go over,
we're going to bang it out,
he's going to have me leave, he's going to go about his night,
I'm going to feel used, you know?
(audience laughing)
And we start hooking up,
and things are getting pretty hot and heavy,
and he leans in and he whispers,
"I'm going to fuck you all night."
And I thought, "Oh good, I'm going to be here all night."
(audience laughing)
Like I think I just came from sheer relief.
(audience laughing)
He was like, "Baby, you're going to be so full of my cum
you won't be hungry for breakfast tomorrow."
(audience laughing)
And I was like, "We're getting breakfast!"
(audience laughing)
Yeah, you guys seem warmed up enough,
so I'm going to talk about my period, now.
(audience laughing)
So the day I got my first ever period was the same day
that Katharine Hepburn died.
(audience laughing)
I'm sorry if you're just finding out.
(audience laughing)
And my mom said to me,
"A great woman leaves the world,
(audience laughing)
"and a great woman enters it."
Which, what if that was how periods worked?
(audience laughing)
What if for a girl to get her period,
a grown woman
had to die?
(audience laughing)
A girl would feel her her first period,
she'd be like, "Oh no. Oh no."
(audience laughing)
I'll confess, I'm not a good woman.
I don't know if that's clear yet.
Like, I did not go to the last Women's March.
Didn't go to it.
I went to Planned Parenthood instead,
because I knew there would not be a wait.
(audience laughing)
I do have to give it to you guys,
you took that way better
than they did in Huntsville, Alabama.
(audience laughing)
So that's good on you.
I did, I went to Planned Parenthood,
and they sat me down, and they were like,
"Alright, do you primarily have sex with
"men, women, or both?"
I was like, "Men."
And they were like, "And do those men you have sex with
"primarily have sex with men, women, or both?"
And I was like, "If all the men I'm having sex with,
"as a group,
"are primarily having sex with other men..."
And then I was like, "Oh that is my vibe, 100%, yep."
(audience laughing)
It does seem like 99% of the time the dudes I'm fucking
are fucking other dudes,
and then once in a blue moon,
Logan.
(audience laughing)
I'm going to, I'll tell you one more thing,
one more story about my mom,
and then I am going to go vape in the bathroom.
(audience laughing)
So, when I was in college I went to community college
and I took night classes.
And my mom was worried that I was going to get murdered
in the parking lot.
So her solution was to just take classes with me.
(audience laughing)
We took the "History of the Jew in America,"
that was one.
(audience laughing)
And you know we are Jews, but it's always good to,
you know, freshen up, so that's why we did that.
(audience laughing)
And the first day the professor did the classic thing where
he asks why everyone's taking the class,
and he gets to my mom, he's like, "Why are you taking it?"
And she said, "Oh, I thought it would be fun
"for me and my daughter."
He goes, "oh, great" and moves on.
And he gets to me, he's like, "Why are you taking it?"
I was like, "Oh, I'm Jewish but I wasn't Bat Mitzvahed,
"and I don't know that much about our history,
"so I thought this would be, you know, a great way
"to reconnect with my roots."
And he goes, "oh, fantastic" and he moves on.
And then my mom leans over to me, and she whispers,
"What are you, a fucking suck up?"
(audience laughing)
Have any of you guys ever been bullied by your mom
at school?