Good morning John.
So in your last video, you were like, 'You owe us a punishment!'
and I was like, 'I do?'
We've been doing this for a long time, and there have been a lot of punishable infractions,
so it's getting kinda confusing.
Luckily, a bunch of nerdfighters, led by the indestructible Valerie2776, have created a
spreadsheet in which all of our punishments and the reasons why we had them have been
listed.
And now, as a reminder, and also a history lesson, and also to figure what the heck is
going on, I am converting the spreadsheet into a video, and because I do not wanna get
punished I'm going very fast.
On January 1st, 2007, we created this channel with three rules:
1) You have to make a video on your day.
2) The video can't be longer than four minutes long.
and 3) Hank and John Green cannot communicate textually.
The first rule was broken that very same month when John, you CCed me on an email to someone
else, which counted as textual communication.
You had to wax your chin.
John: AAAAUAAAHHHH!
Hank: Later, I did the exact same thing, CCing John, and had to re-enact three of my most
embarrassing moments with sock puppets.
I also once wrote 'See you tomorrow' in text in the end of a video.
Ugh!
As a result, I had to go out on the streets of Missoula and try to give away Peeps, which
is how I met Kurt the Punk-Rock Nerdfighter.
In July, I just IMed you.
And then, you replied, so we both got punished.
We did a shared punishment, both dressing up like the most embarrassing picture we could
find from high school.
In March, you missed a video because you were hospitalized and you accidentally replied
to me on a forum, and so you had to eat a blenderized Happy Meal, wax your legs, and
lick a cat.
I'm not sure why there were three, possibly something about donations to Daniel Biss's
campaign.
Finally, in December of 2007 during the first Project for Awesome, I replied to a comment
you left on a Project for Awesome video, and thus had to blend together Peeps and Strawberry
Hill flavored citrus wine and drink it while playing a show to six people, none of whom
knew me, except for my wife.
My first show ever!
For the rest of Vlogbrothers, we abolished the textual communication rule, so now John
and I can email each other, which is helpful.
We've also altered the schedule in various different ways and made time limit exemptions
for educational videos, videos with montages in them, and videos that are 4 minutes and
1 second long because YouTube adds a second.
Why, YouTube?
Why do you add a second?
In April 2008, I made a video that was 14 seconds too long; I don't know why, I just,
ah, messed up that week.
As a result, I had to sing the song 'World Wide Web Girl' with pigtails in my hair.
Then in October, I accidentally put 30 seconds of nothingness on the end of my video, which
resulted in me dancing around my house dressed like Carrie Bradshaw from Sex and the City
with singing Rick Astley's 'Never Gonna Give You Up'.
[music/singing "never gonna make you cry, never gonna say goodbye"]
The infamous Hankroll.
In June of 2008, you missed a video, and had to eat a sandwich made out of lard and protein
meal.
Bleurgh!
Then in November, I made a video that was 2 seconds too long and had to spend 15 hours
in a Target.
[Hank ventriloquizing cans] Ahh!
Ahh!
Ahhhhh!
During VidCon 2010, both of us failed to upload our videos.
The videos in response to that were your amazing 'Fitness for Nerds' video and my Katniss Everdeen
make-up tutorial.
In 2011 a long-standing agreement to be punished if Helen Hunt ever saw my 'Helen Hunt' video
came to fruition.
She sent me a tweet, and then I had to hump my entire town.
In 2012, there were no punishments, but there may have been some punishable infractions,
I'll get to that soon.
In 2013, the very first punishment dealt to someone who wasn't you or me, was dealt to
Grace Helbig for making a video longer than 4 minutes during your paternity leave.
It was not entirely clear whether the rules applied to her; she slapped herself anyway.
And John, in October of 2013, you made a longer than 4 minute video that was deemed to not
be educational enough, and so you were punished.
You ate slobber carrots, made by your son.
Here's where it gets confusing, and someone will eventually clear this up, but it is very
clear in 2012 we both owed punishments.
I can't figure out what they were for, but I know that there were punishments, because
on October 28th, you made a bet with Nerdfighteria.
You said that both you and I had outstanding punishments, but if we could get to a thousand
videos before Nerdfighteria loaned a million dollars through Kiva.org, those punishments
would be wiped clean.
However, if they got to a million dollars first, we would double our punishments; we
would both have two.
Of course, never underestimate Nerdfighteria, a million dollars was indeed loaned.
And so we each had two punishments.
We absolved one of them, by doing six videos in a week, three each, which leaves, finally,
one punishment each.
It was your own doing, John; you can't complain.
John, I got a really good idea from the comments for your video about what my punishment's
gonna be, so everybody, leave comments for what John's gonna do in his punishment!
And John, I will see you on Tuesday.