You’re struggling with your love life.
You can find a guy who’s attractive.
You can find a guy who treats you well.
You can find a guy who wants to commit to you.
You just can’t find them all in one package.
But have you ever considered why?
After all, there are over 50 million married men in America alone; evidently someone wants
to commit.
So how can you be the woman that YOUR guy wants to marry?
Stick around to learn what emotions drive men towards some women and not others.
I'm Evan Marc Katz, dating coach for smart, strong, successful women and your personal
trainer for love.
Welcome to the Love U podcast.
Keep listening to learn five things men need in a relationship in order to commit to you.
When we're done, I’ll let you know how you could apply to Love U to create a passionate
relationship that makes you feel safe, heard and understood.
This is the part of the video podcast where I tell you that everything I say that men
need for women are also things that women need for men.
So I'm doing this for long enough to not get pushed back.
“Why are you telling me this stuff about what I need to do to make a man love me?”
Again, I'm a dating coach for women.
Women want to know why a great guy does not work out.
Here are five things that I came up with and understand this is part of the general context
of Love U, if women's deepest desires, whether they are conscious of it or not, are to feel
safe, heard, and understood.
Men's deepest desires that they don't even know themselves can be encapsulated into these
five terms.
#1 - Accepted
I don't think men are perfect.
I don't think I'm perfect.
I don't think the guy you're seeing is perfect.
He doesn't think he's perfect.
But I can tell you from deep, deep in my soul that I had so many women that I met say, “Evan,
I really like you, but you need to change this and this and this and this and this.”
That was sort of the recurring theme of my ten prolific years of dating.
And their observations were not wrong.
But understand that men aren't looking to you as a girlfriend, to be a consultant, to
tell him what's wrong with him, that he could constantly work on and do better.
Men choose girlfriends who fundamentally like them and trust them and accept them and see
them as the best version of themselves.
So you may think men just throw themselves at young, thin and pretty, but the truth is,
young, thin and pretty just turns a guy's head.
What makes a guy want to marry someone when it comes to that point in time?
The most valuable thing that you can give him is your full acceptance as he is in its
current form without trying to change him.
#2- Appreciated
He picks up the tab at dinner, he throws out the garbage, he walks the dog in the rain
so that you don't have to.
He lets you eat the last piece of cake.
A good man wants to please you.
And a good man is truly doing his best if you are his girlfriend.
That doesn't mean, however, that he's going to do everything that you want him to do as
you want him to do it when you want him to do it.
So when you have a good guy in your hands, if he ends up spending more time hearing about
what a shitty boyfriend he is, as opposed to praise for the many things he does right,
he will probably look to find someone who is more appreciative of his good deeds.
And again, we could always reverse the gender as long as it works the same way.
#3 - Respected
There's a saying that respect is earned, not given.
I'd like to flip that around, look at it from the other side.
Do you want to have to earn a man's respect?
What could you do to earn a man's respect?
Do you think you have to convince him that you're a worthy person because you make less
money than he does?
Should you have to argue that your opinion matters as much as his does when it comes
to making mutual decisions about where you live or how you spend your time or how you
raise your kids?
No, of course not.
Respect is given.
It's not earned.
It's to be expected.
It's something that could be lost.
But it is not something a guy has to do to earn your respect.
He starts with the level of respect, the same exact way you should start with a level of
respect from any man that you're seen.
#4 - Trusted
You know that saying about respect being earned, not given.
Now substitute the word trust.
Except trust like respect, something that should be given from the outset.
If a man gives you reason to mistrust him, the solution is to dump him, not to keep dating
a man you can't trust.
You get that?
Literally the only guys will put up with a girlfriend who doesn't trust them are men
who are wildly insecure that they can't do any better or men who aren't actually trustworthy
and know that you're right.
Good and honest men have no tolerance for you monitoring their social media, checking
their phone, questioning them about their intentions and their whereabouts.
If a man would do the same exact thing to you, you would feel positively suffocated
by that level of fear, jealousy and paranoia.
So you've got to trust your guy.
#6 - Needed
It's great that you're financially independent.
It's great that you own your own home, that you have your own friends, that you're comfortable
traveling alone, and that you don't need a man to support you genuinely.
No one's asking you to disown this amazing life that you've built for yourself.
But if your life is so spectacular, as I said in the previous video, what is he there for?
A guy who doesn't want to just be your accessory, your plus one for the event.
So marrying him is like keeping your exact life as you have it right now.
It's just like a guy plopped in and a man wants to feel integral to your life.
And that's hard to do when your entire existence has been built on not needing a man.
So here's the deal.
No one is asking you to be some sort of damsel in distress or act like you need to be saved
by a man because God knows that's not true.
But if you're so busy, if your life is so full that you don't have time for him or you're
so confident that you never need help with anything, or you're so strong that you never
show your vulnerable side, a man is going to rightfully wonder what he's there for,
what you need him for, and is going to have trouble connecting to you emotionally.
So I repeat certain themes here frequently in my blog, on my podcast and in Love U.
This is a theme men are about feelings, not about looks.
How he feels around you.
Can he relax?
Can he be seen at his best?
Do you accept him when he's at his worst?
Can you speak without constantly offending you and backpedaling and having to apologize?
These are the reasons that men marry some women and not others.
If you're with a guy that you can't naturally accept, appreciate and respect, that's fine.
Dump them.
But if you're with a man you love, focus your energies on what he does right the same way
that you'd want your boss to focus on what you do right instead of focusing exclusively
on what you do wrong.
What I hope you can tell from this list is that it's universal.
These are universal ideas.
They're not gender specific ideas.
Women also want to be accepted, appreciated, respected, needed.
You just pay more attention to when a man's failing to do these things for you than when
you're failing to do these things for him.
In a healthy partnership, men do make you feel safe, heard and understood.
In a healthy partnership, you can make them feel accepted, appreciated and respected,
trusted and needed.
It's doable.
In fact, it's mandatory, it's the essence of what it means to be in a healthy marriage.
So if any of those ideas hit hard or touched a raw nerve, think about it for a second before
you attack the messenger.
Did you ever consider what your boyfriend's needs were, the way you've considered your
own needs?
Please share your thoughts below.
And let's remember that encouraging you to be a better girlfriend is not a way of forgiving
men for being terrible boyfriends.
I promise.
My name is Evan Marc Katz, thank you for tuning in to the Love U podcast.
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And if you want to find love right now and you're committed to making healthier choices
with men so you can have that easy relationship that makes you feel safe, heard and understood,
look for the link below and apply for coaching in Love U.
Thanks a lot.