[Laughter]
[Music]
hey it's marie forleo and you are
watching marietv the place to be to
create a business and life you love and
that's what you want right it's Q&A
Tuesday and you know what that means we
got a question and it comes from Deb and
she writes dear Marie thank you for
being so wonderful marietv has given me
the confidence to get to work and create
my dream life that's awesome
I heard you say several times that the
more you give the more you will receive
I trust you when you say this but this
is a hard concept for me my whole life
I've watched my mom be very generous
with her time and resources
she gives far more than she receives and
it seems to me that this approach has
not worked for her
I've watched as others feel it's okay to
take advantage of her friends family and
colleagues expect her to step up and do
the extra work when it needs to be done
watching my mom I've become afraid of
being a doormat when I give I give what
the mindset of how much I'm gonna get
back from this this doesn't feel good
how do you give more than you receive
without being taken advantage of
thanks Deb Deb this is a fantastic
question so first we need to clarify
because I rarely if ever use the phrase
the more you give the more you'll
receive what I do often say is that my
life is about what I can give not what I
can get and there is a huge difference
and that's part of where you're getting
tripped up here your statement
essentially says I'm gonna give a lot so
that I receive a lot and that framework
has nothing to do with generosity it's
more like a transaction a tit for tat
keeping score kind of thing
here you go dams thank you I don't even
know what I did to deserve this
well according to my records nothing yet
but if you could give me something of
equivalent value back by the end of next
week I think we'll be square oh yeah you
know what I made the bet last week and I
don't think that you
got me back yet so I'm just saying I'm a
giver here's the thing the joy of giving
doesn't come with an expectation of what
you're gonna get back that defeats the
whole purpose so Deb if you don't want
to be a Debbie doormat I want you to
recognize the big difference between
giving to give and giving to get so we
all know somebody who gives to get right
this is the person that drives everybody
to the airport they do everybody else's
dishes they volunteer to host the baby
shower and all this seems perfectly
generous except for the spirit in which
they do it it's a spirit of I'll do it
because if I don't nobody else will and
that's usually followed by this attitude
of resentment this attitude of oh I
don't know why I do all this and I never
get anything in return I guess I just
expect too much from people when you
give to get all you're really gonna get
is the experience of being put upon this
experience of being a victim and
probably feeling like a doormat now on
the other hand giving to give is where
all the magic side you want to give of
yourself because you actually want to do
it you want to offer your time and your
love and your heart and your resources
whatever with zero expectation of
getting anything in return so you do
something purely out of your desire to
connect with another human being it's
it's really a gift it's not a loan not a
trade not a transaction it's a gift now
here's the big wake-up call you need Deb
you can be deeply generous with your
time and your resources and you can have
boundaries and say no here's the secret
only say yes to the things that you're
willing to do joyfully don't say yes
because you want something in return
including gratitude or kudos or
appreciation
thanks you guys
I don't even need all that cuz I was
just giving to give you want to say yes
because you genuinely want to help you
want to give of yourself and express
love and caring for another human being
and once you say yes to something don't
victimize yourself when it comes time to
do it either do it passionately like it
was your idea in the first place or
don't do it at all look if someone says
hey Deb
can you walk my dog and you don't have
the time or you just don't want to say
no that's not being stingy or ungenerous
that's called being honest but back to
where we first started Deb it is true
that when you focus more on what you can
give versus what you can get it is
likely you're gonna be happier and more
successful but here is the catch you
cannot do this as a manipulation you
have to give from a genuine place from a
desire to express your love and service
to others with no expectation of what
you're gonna get in return and if you
need a reminder come back to this
tweetable you can never give too much if
you're giving to give not giving to get
that was my a to your q Deb and I really
do hope it helps now I would love to
hear from you I think we've all done
both versions right giving to give and
giving to get is there any area of your
life right now where you feel like
you're just giving too much and you're
starting to feel resentful do you need
to start giving to give or is it time to
start saying no turn this insight into
action by leaving a comment below and as
always the best discussions happen after
the episode over at marieforleo.com so
go there and leave a comment now did you
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