LONG TIME VIEWERS OF THE SHOW KNOW THAT I'M A PRACTICING
CATHOLIC.
AND WHILE I USUALLY GO TO CHURCH, I'M OFTEN WAY TOO BUSY
TO PARTICIPATE IN SOME OF MY CHURCH'S OTHER IMPORTANT
RITUALS.
FOR INSTANCE, I'VE BEEN PUTTING OFF LAST RITES FOR YEARS.
I HEARD THAT'S A GOOD ONE.
AND THE RITUAL I MISS MOST IS CONFESSION.
THERE'S SOMETHING ABOUT CLIMBING INTO THAT DARK WOODEN BOX THAT
JUST MAKES ME FEEL SO ALIVE.
SO, I WAS WONDERING IF I COULD EXAMINE MY CONSCIENCE WITH YOU,
THE AUDIENCE.
YOU WON'T TELL ANYBODY, RIGHT?
>> NO!
>> Stephen: I DIDN'T THINK SO.
THIS IS STEPHEN COLBERT'S MIDNIGHT CONFESSIONS.
♪ (ORGAN MUSIC)
BOO!
NOW FOR THE RECORD: I'M NOT SURE IF THESE ARE TECHNICALLY SINS,
BUT I DO FEEL BAD ABOUT THEM.
OKAY, I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
(LAUGHTER) SORRY.
I NODDED OFF THERE FOR A SECOND.
FORGIVE ME, AUDIENCE.
WHEN I SEE A STORY THAT ANOTHER SPECIES HAS GONE EXTINCT, I
WONDER WHAT IT TASTED LIKE.
(LAUGHTER) AUDIENCE...
I HAVE A FAIR AMOUNT OF GAY FRIENDS, BUT SOMETIMES I WORRY
THAT I HAVEN'T MADE ENOUGH GAY ENEMIES.
(LAUGHTER) AUDIENCE, SOMETIMES WHEN I'M OUT
TO DINNER WITH MY WIFE, I PROPOSE, SO THEY'LL GIVE US FREE
DESSERT.
(LAUGHTER) MY E-MAIL ADDRESS IS STILL
KARATEGOD69@AOL.COM.
(LAUGHTER) EVERY TIME I MAKE A BOLOGNA
SANDWICH I SING, "MY BOLOGNA HAS A FIRST NAME, IT'S O-S-C-A-R."
THEN, WHEN I EAT IT, I WHISPER TO THE SANDWICH, "I'M EATING
YOU, OSCAR."
(LAUGHTER) SOMETIMES I LIE AWAKE AT NIGHT,
AFRAID I'LL DIE BEFORE I GET TO USE ALL MY "FOREVER" STAMPS.
(LAUGHTER) I CAN STILL NAME ALL FOUR
TELETUBBIES, AND HAVE DONE SO IN MY WILL.
(LAUGHTER) I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY IT'S NOT
CALLED A "PANTS SUIT" WHEN A MAN WEARS IT.
(LAUGHTER) AM I NOT SUPPOSED TO WEAR THE
PANTS?
(LAUGHTER) I SAW SOMETHING, SO I SAID
SOMETHING.
BUT THE THING I SAID WASN'T THE THING I SAW.
(LAUGHTER) SOMETIMES, I USE SLANG THAT I
DON'T UNDERSTAND TO CONNECT WITH YOUNG PEOPLE.
I GUESS I'M JUST WOKE LIKE THAT, ON FLEEK, BYE FELICIA.
(LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE)
I HAVE THIS WEIRD FEELING THAT ONCE WHEN I WAS DRUNK I GOT A
TATTOO IN A PLACE I CAN'T SEE.
(LAUGHTER) OH, DAFFY AND BUGS, WHY WOULD
YOU FIGHT OVER THAT?
(LAUGHTER) I LIKE TO YELL "BINGO" EVEN WHEN
I DON'T HAVE "BINGO," AND AM NOT PLAYING "BINGO."
(LAUGHTER) I KNOW YOU'RE NEVER SUPPOSED TO
PUT PLASTIC IN THE MICROWAVE, BUT I HATE PLAYING WITH COLD
LEGOS.
(LAUGHTER) WHEN I GET ON AN ELEVATOR, AND
SOMEONE COMES RUNNING UP TO CATCH IT, I ALWAYS ACT LIKE I
TRIED TO HOLD IT FOR THEM.
OH, THE BUTTON'S NOT WORKING.
I'M SO SORRY!
(LAUGHTER) (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
I DIDN'T GO ANYWHERE NEAR THAT BUTTON.
(LAUGHTER) BINGO!
(LAUGHTER) EVERY TIME I SAY, "WE'LL BE
RIGHT BACK," I REALLY MEAN AFTER ABOUT THREE MINUTES OF
COMMERCIALS.