>>> IT'S "WEEKEND UPDATE" WITH COLIN JOST AND MICHAEL CHE.
♪♪♪ [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> HELLO, EVERYBODY. >> WELCOME TO "WEEKEND UPDATE."
I'M COLIN JOST. >> I'M MICHAEL CHE.
WELL, ONE WEEK HAS PASSED SINCE DONALD TRUMP HAS BEEN ELECTED
PRESIDENT. NOW, IT HASN'T BEEN GREAT.
BUT IT ALSO HASN'T BEEN GOOD. OR EVEN FINE.
[ LAUGHTER ] WHILE HALF THE COUNTRY IS
WORRIED TRUMP IS GOING TO MAKE AMERICA UNSAFE FOR WOMEN AND
MINORITIES THE FIRST GUY HE HIRED WAS FORMER CHAIRMAN OF
BREITBART NEWS AND FITNESS ENTHUSIAST, STEVE BANNON.
THAT FACE, THOUGH. BREITBART NEWS HAS BEEN
CRITICIZED BY MANY FOR BEING A SEXIST, RACIST, WHITE
NATIONALIST NEWS SITE. STRONG WORDS.
I DON'T KNOW IF I'D CALL IT A NEWS SITE.
[ LAUGHTER ] CALLING BREITBART A NEWS SITE IS
LIKE CALLING THE R. KELLY SEX TAPE A ROM-COM.
[ LAUGHTER ] >> DONALD TRUMP ALSO NOMINATED
ALABAMA SENATOR JEFF SESSIONS FOR ATTORNEY GENERAL.
EVEN THOUGH SESSIONS WAS DENIES A FEDERAL POSITION 30 YEARS AGO
FOR MAKING RACIST REMARKS. BUT YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY.
IF AT FIRST YOU DON'T SUCCEED, WAIT 30 YEARS UNTIL HISTORY
LURCHES BACKWARDS. [ LAUGHTER ]
THE THING THAT'S SURPRISING ME MOVES ABOUT THESE PICKS IS HOW
LAZY THEY ARE. THEY'RE JUST WHOEVER IS LYING
AROUND TRUMP'S OFFICE. HE BASICALLY DID A YELP SEARCH
WITH A RADIUS OF 10 FEET. AT THIS POINT, IF YOU JUST
WANDERED INTO DONALD TRUMP ON THE STREET AND YOU WERE WEARING
A SUIT, THERE'S A 90% CHANCE HE'D MAKE YOU SECRETARY OF
EDUCATION. AND HALF OF THE GUYS HE'S
PICKING HAVE BEEN UNEMPLOYED. IS THIS WHAT HE MEANT BY
BRINGING JOBS BACK? [ LAUGHTER ]
I THINK TRUMP IS JUST SURROUNDING HIMSELF WITH PEOPLE
WHO MAKE HIM LOOK BETTER. I MEAN, THAT WAS KIND OF THE
POINT OF "CELEBRITY APPRENTICE." PEOPLE THINK TRUMP'S A GREAT
BUSINESSMAN BECAUSE HE IS COMPARED TO BRETT MICHAELS AND
LOU FERRIGNO. [ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]
>> IT WAS REPORTED THAT DONALD TRUMP WAS SURPRISED BY THE SCOPE
OF THE RESPONSIBILITIES OF A PRESIDENT.
[ LAUGHTER ] YEAH, DUDE.
BEING PRESIDENT IS HARD. THAT'S WHY OBAMA LOOKS LIKE HE
SPENT EIGHT YEARS IN A TURKEY SMOKER.
[ LAUGHTER ] OBAMA'S THE ONLY GUY THAT GAVE
UP CIGARETTES AND SOMEHOW LOOKS WORSE.
[ LAUGHTER ] I DON'T EVEN THINK DONALD TRUMP
EVER WANTED TO BE PRESIDENT. IN THE FIRST PLACE.
I MEAN, NOBODY'S JUDGING A SWIMSUIT CONTEST WITH
DENNIS RODMAN, WHILE ALSO WANTING TO BRING JOBS BACK TO
RURAL PENNSYLVANIA. [ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
I THINK HE JUST WANTED TO WIN THE ELECTION BECAUSE EVERYTHING
SAID HE COULDN'T. IT'S LIKE DATING.
CHASING SOMEONE HARD TO GET IS ALWAYS MORE FUN THAN THE ACTUAL
RELATIONSHIP. HE JUST LIKES THE CHASE.
HE ENJOYED WOOING AMERICA FOR 18 MONTHS, LOVED MAKING CRAZY
PROMISES. EVEN WHEN THE MEDIA WAS TALKING
ABOUT IT, BABY, DON'T LISTEN TO YOUR DUMB FAT FRIENDS, THEY'RE
JUST JEALOUS. BUT IT WORKED AND AMERICA SAID
YES. THE CHASE IS OVER AND REALITY
STARTS AND IT'S NOT FUN ANYMORE. HE'S GETTING TEXTS FROM DENNIS
RODMAN, LET'S HIT UP A PAGEANT! I CAN'T, I'VE GOT TO BUILD A
WALL, I DON'T LIKE THIS. CLEARLY HE'S NOT READY FOR THIS
COMMITMENT. THAT'S WHY EVERY TIME AMERICA
BRINGS UP MOVING TO D.C., YEAH, BABE, I THINK I'LL KEEP MY PLACE
IN NEW YORK. WHICH WOULD COST TAXPAYERS TENS
OF MILLIONS OF DOLLARS. BUT IT'S ALL WORTH IT TO HELP A
BILLIONAIRE GO NIGHT-NIGHT IN HIS BIG BOY BED.
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ] ONE THING I KEPT HEARING ALL
THIS WEEK WAS, "CAN YOU BELIEVE TRUMP IS DOING THIS?"
YEAH, IT'S TRUMP. HIS WHOLE PLATFORM WAS HOW HE'S
NOT GOING TO BE A NORMAL PRESIDENT.
THE ONLY REAL MODEL WE HAVE FOR A TRUMP PRESIDENCY IS THE MOVIE
"FIRST KID." [ LAUGHTER ]
I'M JUST WORRIED IT MIGHT ALL END LESS LIKE "FIRST KID" AND
MORE LIKE "INDEPENDENCE DAY." >> MAJOR MEDIA OUTLETS SUCH AS
CNN, "WASHINGTON POST," AND "NEW YORK TIMES" HAVE CRITICIZED
TRUMP FOR WALKING BACK SOME OF HIS CAMPAIGN PROMISES.
BUT SHOULDN'T THE MEDIA BE ENCOURAGING HIM WHEN HE'S MOVING
IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION? MAYBE IF YOU RAN COMPLIMENTARY
HEADLINES YOU COULD TRICK HIM INTO DOING WHAT YOU WANT.
FOR EXAMPLE, INSTEAD OF THE HEADLINE "TRUMP BREAKS PROMISE
TO LOCK UP HILLARY CLINTON," MAYBE TRY SOMETHING MORE
POSITIVE LIKE, "HEROIC TRUMP SAVES GRANDMA."
[ LAUGHTER ] OR YOU COULD CHANGE "TRUMP
FLIP-FLOPS ON REPEALING OBAMACARE" TO "GENEROUS TRUMP
HONORS UNEMPLOYED BLACK MAN'S LAST WISH."
[ LAUGHTER ] SEE, HE'LL LIKE THAT.
>> MIKE PENCE ON FRIDAY WAS BOOED BY THE AUDIENCE AFTER
SEEING THE BROADWAY HIT "HAMILTON."
OF COURSE HE WAS BOOED. HE'S A GUY FROM INDIANA WHO
BELIEVES IN GAY CONVERSION THERAPY.
VISITING BROADWAY IS HOW PEOPLE FROM INDIANA REALIZE THEY'RE
GAY. [ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]