She's planning on going on HRT at some point.
And we've been talking a lot about what's the timetable for all of this stuff.
When do we plan on have kid one?
If we plan on having a second kid, is she going to be like thinking
sperm, different stuff like that before she starts HRT.
But with so much trans legislation in the pipeline in so many different states,
we've been talking a lot about moving to different parts of the country.
We're both currently in Michigan.
So yeah, it's one of the safer places.
But she really wants to go to a state that has like a sanctuary law for trans
people, just really making sure that we're in like a secure position.
Before we get into this video,
I wanted to let you guys know that it's sponsored by my Patreon.
Patreon is where I upload a ton of my personal vlogs
and other things that I don't post publicly to YouTube.
And if you're interested in that sort of thing, definitely check out my Patreon.
If you followed my side channel.
You know already that I have pushed all of my content from my side channel
to my Patreon and will continue to upload that type of content on to my Patreon.
Right now you can see these videos if you are curious.
And yeah, I'm excited to expand and Patreon is exactly how I do that.
So if you enjoy my content, consider supporting me on Patreon.
- Hey guys, it's Kat
and it's time for the True Tea Coleen Show.
I'm really excited to have this conversation
about transgender parenthood.
If you wanna go over my thoughts in the podcast,
you can listen to it on all podcasting platforms.
But basically I'm the sort of person
who I feel divided about parenthood.
On one hand, I feel like I would be an awesome mom
but on the other hand, I don't really want kids
because of the way that it would change my life.
But I know that for transgender people
there's a question of fertility,
whether or not you're comfortable physically having children
and a lot of other really interesting kind of,
you know, nuanced conversations to be had
about transgender parenthood.
So I wanted to open up the calls
to my audience to have some conversations
about what that looks like for many people,
what parenthood looks like
for many people who are transgender.
So let's get into some calls.
(phone ringing)
Who am I speaking to and what is your true tea?
- [Gabby] Nice to meet you.
My name is Gabby.
I'm about to graduate from college
with my bachelor's and my girlfriend who's also trans
we've been talking about
like the process of starting a family
and what that is going to look like
once I'm out of college
and once we both have secure employment.
And something that I wanted to talk about was just
how many conversations that I was expecting to have
just logistical concerns and stuff like that.
I was prepared for a lot
of the conversations we've been having
but some of them have been like,
really blinds siding me.
- What were the blindsides?
- [Gabby] So some of the stuff
that I was expecting pretty standard.
She's planning on going on HRT at some point
and we've been talking a lot
about what's the timetable for all of this stuff.
When do we plan on have kid one?
If we plan on having a second kid,
is she going to be like banking sperm,
different stuff like that,
like before she starts HRT.
But with so much trans legislation in the pipeline
in so many different states,
we've been talking a lot
about moving to different parts of the country.
We're both currently in Michigan so it's-
- Oh, okay.
- [Gabby] Yeah, it's one of the safer places.
But she really wants to go to a state
that has like a sanctuary law for trans people.
Just really making sure
that we're in like a secure position,
making sure our parental right would be honored
and stuff like that.
- Yeah, that makes a lot of sense.
- [Gabby] So yeah,
that's just not something that I had really considered.
I know it's bad, but I've been trying to avoid
a lot of the news because it makes me
really sick to my stomach.
I know I should definitely be more informed,
especially since we're at the point
where we're having these conversations.
But it's been difficult.
- Yeah, you know what though?
I'm the same exact way.
I am the same exact way right now
because it's so overwhelming.
And I would say one of the best things I've done
for my mental health is to not read all that news
because as much as I should be informed
and I understand definitely
why you should be informed,
I feel like a lot of the discourse
is designed to make us feel dread.
And I think it's powerful
to take that power away a bit
and continue living your life if you can.
You wanna be aware, but I feel like not falling
into the dread is probably for the best right now.
How long have you guys been making that plan
'cause a lot of these things are kind of
hopping up right now.
And one of the points I made
in the pre-show is I filmed
that podcast episode at the very beginning of this year
and I did not have any understanding
how much worse it would get
even in that short period of time.
So I'm curious about the timeline.
- [Gabby] It hasn't been until like
the past two or three months I would say
that things have started really
like getting super duper serious,
when we've started like making all of these different plans.
I think it's coincided with the fact
that my girlfriend is older than me,
so she turned 26 earlier this year.
And one of the conversations
that actually really surprised me was that
she wants to have at least child one
before she turns 30.
- Interesting.
Why is that though?
- [Gabby] Yeah, so her parents are older than mine.
Her parents had children later in life
and I think that there's just maybe a little bit
of anxiety for her around not having enough time.
- First of all, y'all are 26.
Okay, let's not.
- [Gabby] I know.
- Y'all are still very young.
I'm 32 and I joke about being old,
but I'm also still young.
Y'all have time.
A lot of people do have children
in their early twenties
and then by the time they're done raising their kids
at least the most physical part,
they're in their forties.
They could still have a whole new life.
I get why you would wanna have kids quickly.
- [Gabby] I think that some of that added anxiety is just
she has very defined plans.
She knows that she wants to medically transition
at this point in her life.
- That's also a part of it too, yeah.
- [Gabby] And so that affects fertility
and stuff on her end.
I'm not sure if I want to pursue medical transition
at some point in my life,
but not in the near future if I would at all.
So I think that's definitely something
that weighs on her mind
a lot more than it does for me.
So I'm trying to be empathetic,
but some of the things that she does say
I'm going to be middle-aged in my thirties
and just like all of this kind of anxiety that she has
about getting older and missing her window of opportunity.
It does seem a little bit unfounded,
but again I'm trying to be there for her.
- That part's unfounded, but the part about HRT
and medical transition making it actually a viable
or not that's not,
so with that, I super understand
let's have kids young.
- [Gabby] Yeah, I'm not sure where like the general
like the garden variety aging anxiety ends
and where like the specific trans anxiety
around aging begins.
- I feel like. - [Gabby] So I'm trying to...
- I feel like with trans women it's quick
because I feel like,
if you feel like you don't have,
if you're not in hormones before you turn 16
it's like you've got a lot of catching up to do.
So what were some of the other hurdles
that you guys faced aside from
obviously the encroaching negative political atmosphere?
- [Gabby] Yeah, so in addition to that,
we both especially struggle with things like depression.
I also struggle with things like anxiety.
There are certain strains of neurodiversity
I guess you would say that
like both sides of our families.
So a lot of it is just about healthcare,
not just in the sense of like the two of us being trans,
but in the sense that the child/children
that we produce are probably going to need
quite a bit of medical assistance/intervention
over the course of their life
just because of our chemical balances.
So that's a lot of where the moving stuff
has also been rooted in.
Not just escaping like current political climates
and political attitudes, but also I'm just making sure
that we're set up with a more robust healthcare system.
There is no like universalized childcare
like public childcare system.
A lot of it is very,
it's giving back alley,
if that makes sense.
(Kat laughs)
- [Kat] Yeah, someone's house, yeah.
- [Gabby] Oh yeah, yeah definitely.
So it's just been a lot of different concerns like that
and then it's been interspersed with cute conversations
about, oh, what are we going to name them?
Let's go through all of the...
And it's like, there's quite a bit of tonal whiplash
in the conversations we've been having I feel like
because it gets very heavy.
But then that's interspersed
with the more like idyllic stuff.
- Do you guys feel ready
though to have kids like right now?
That's always my question with people.
- [Gabby] Yeah.
See, because I'm such an anxious person
I was initially very surprised
when she said she wanted to start trying
in the next few years.
But I feel if the decision were like given to me solely,
I feel like I would always find reasons
to keep pushing back, oh we're not ready,
we don't have enough money.
I would keep finding reasons to not do it
and then eventually we would cross a threshold
where we couldn't anymore.
- You're really making me understand
in a way that like for transgender people
who want to have children there is like a okay,
so I have to have kids quickly
or the pregnancy is gonna be complicated
or I'm not gonna be able to impregnate
like it's gonna... - [Gabby] Yes.
- And those are real concerns
that may actually not figure themselves out
as quickly as someone will figure out their life
to be ready to have kids.
- [Gabby] Oh, definitely.
- And can I ask why are you guys
focused on having children yourselves right now?
Is there a reason why adoption
wouldn't be something you would entertain
or is this something you're open to?
- [Gabby] We haven't really had
any serious conversations about adoption.
I think for both of us it was just assumed
that we would have children biologically
just because we are both
currently in the position to do that.
- [Kat] Interesting.
- [Gabby] I also personally,
I haven't brought this up to her
but if she were to ask about adoption
I think I would say something along the lines of
I have personal misgivings about the adoption industry
because in a lot of places
it is very much an industry
where they shuffle kids around.
So yeah, sourcing like an ethical adoption
and something like that,
I think would prove challenging.
And I think there's a lot more,
in our case anyway,
I think having a child together
represents a lot more certainty in a lot of ways.
- Yeah, you know, where the kid
comes from you know who the kid is.
You don't have to worry about abusive adoption agencies.
That makes a lot of sense.
I feel like I could probably stand to know way more
about the adoption process
than I do even as an adoptee
because as much as I understand
that there are bad things in the adoption system,
I also know just from my own personal experience
that there are very positive things as well.
And I know that I'm really thankful that I was adopted
and that from what I could piece together
I guess the reason I are you ready is such a question
for me is because I know that my mom,
her main reason for giving me up was that she wasn't ready.
And from what I know of her relationship to my bio father
that was probably the best choice.
I always wonder about readiness.
It's such a complex topic.
It's just adoption children in general.
It's so complex and I almost feel
like there isn't the best solid answer
because of course I say just adopt.
But you're right,
the adoption industry can be so terrible.
- [Gabby] There's just a little bit
too much gray area for me.
It's more ambiguity
than what I'm comfortable with.
- I totally understand
why having your own natural children
would be the more surefire way to get it.
But anyway, I should take the next call
but I really appreciate you calling in
and giving me your true tea.
Thank you for sharing.
Bye.
I really appreciate all of you guys who called in
and gave me your true brew of true tea.
Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts with me.
You guys can always get True Tea
on my YouTube channel the first Saturday of every month.
But next month,
we will be taking a bit of a break.
When y'all see this video,
I will probably be on, you know,
in New Orleans having a good old time
because I'm going on vacation.
Girl, I need it.
So we will not be back next month.
We will be back the following month.
And when we come back we'll be back
with an all new version of True Tea
freshly shot in this apartment.
I'm really excited to show you guys
what my apartment looks like once it's all finally set up.
And I'm really excited to start this
kind of new journey with True Tea.
So on that note, I will talk to you guys next time
and I want you to always remember
and never forget that you're beautiful
and you are loved.
Bye.