So we have a pair that—
are you two dating?
They look like they
actually like each other.
You dating?
How long have you been dating?
- [Audience Members] I don't know
four or five . . .
- I figured it hadn't been too long,
'cause you young men aren't
very well-trained are you?
(audience laughing)
If you were properly trained,
you'd be sitting next to her,
"Nope, sorry, I'm not allowed to talk."
(audience laughing)
I can't answer any questions,
I just pay for stuff.
I mow the lawn, that's my job.
(audience laughing)
How long you been together?
That's an easy question, man, you
should knock that out of the park.
That's not one of them
hard questions,
like she asks you when you're
having them relationship
discussions, you know
what she's pouring
her heart out to you
and then at some point she says,
"So what are you feeling?"
"What are you thinking right now?"
Danger, danger,
'cause first of all,
she thinks you've been
paying attention and you haven't.
(audience laughing)
You've been thinking
something stupid, you know,
I bet that Superman can fly
just as fast without that cape.
(audience laughing)
See that's one thing men need
to recognize in relationships.
It's women are
way out in front of us.
It's like they're playing chess
and we're playing hungry,
hungry hippos,
(audience laughing)
but men are smarter than women
in one respect, because men
realize what you see is what you get.
There's something about your
wife or your girlfriend that
irritates you to no end
you better get used to it,
'cause it ain't going
to change anytime soon,
but to a woman,
every man, is a fixer upper.
(audience laughing)
Let's see if I can get him
to dress different,
talk different,
get rid of all of his friends,
get him to quit cussing, drinking,
smoking, watching sports,
get him to go to church
with me on Sunday,
quit calling my sister a dingbat,
he'd be perfect.
(audience laughing)
She wants someone like him,
but completely different, okay.
You see them guys been
married like 30 or 40 years.
They get overly trained.
They start to sound a little goofy.
Those are the guys
you see in the mall,
"I'm just supposed to
"hold her purse and
"I don't talk to strangers.
(audience laughing)
(audience applauding)
"Go away, you're going
"to get me in trouble.
(audience laughing)
"If I'm good I get ice cream
"with little pecans on it,
"I like the little pecans."
(audience laughing)
You ever been to the mall?
Seeing them couples wearing
exactly the same clothes.
(audience laughing)
You know that wasn't his idea.
(audience laughing)
You know, he didn't
wake up one morning and
go, "Honey! Oh, ho, ho.
(audience laughing)
Wouldn't it be adorable if we wore
matching mickey mouse shirts?
(audience laughing)
That's a poor guy that's
just given up hope.
That dude doesn't
even care anymore.
(audience laughing)
He's liable to
show up at work one day wearing
capri pants and a tube top.
(audience laughing)
That's all that was clean.
That's what she told him to wear
and it's good enough for him.
It's one of the things
you can learn about women.
If you're paying attention, one
the things that you gals are
really good at is taking a man
and beaten the ability to
dress himself right out of him.
(audience laughing)
That starts the first time
he comes out of the bedroom and
she says, "Oh, you're not
"going out wearing that are ya?"
(audience laughing)
No, no ,no,
I was just trying this on,
see if it will be a good
Halloween costume or something.
(audience laughing)
Just in case I wanna
dress up looking stupid.
Then you go back in the bedroom,
you go what in the world's
the matter with this?
Then pretty soon you lost
your confidence and then you can't
even dress yourself no more
and you can only wear
the stuff she tells you to.
That's made worse because
when you get married,
all the clothes you had
before you got married that you love
and she hated all mysteriously
get lost in the laundry,
(audience laughing)
All the stuff she bought you,
you couldn't lose
that if you tried.
(audience laughing)
I can't put three pieces of
toilet paper in the toilet and
flush it without stopping it up.
My wife expects me to believe
my favorite pair of blue jeans got
shut down the drain by the washer.
(audience laughing)
That is a big fat lie right there
(audience laughing)
and I would tell her that too,
except I'm scared of her.
(audience laughing)
Eventually you figure out
they got this big elaborate plan
to get you to dress different.
For example, in my case,
you know how many sweaters
I had before I got married?
None.
(audience laughing)
Now I have two dozen
sweaters in there.
I even own a pink sweater.
I ain't wearing that unless
I go to Elton John's birthday party.
(audience laughing)
You know what's
the only thing she likes
better than sweaters?
That would be sweater vests.
Yes! Sweaters with no arms.
What a great idea,
(audience laughing)
'cause so often my body kind of cool,
but my arms are burning up.
(audience laughing)
It's the stupidest
thing I ever heard of.
(audience laughing)
I have no idea how you
get rid of a sweater vest.
I have a whole drawer
full of them at home.
If my wife ain't around,
I can take one out of the drawer.
I can get out on the highway
doing 70 and thrown out the
window and that ain't even littering,
'cause when we get back to the
house, it's right back in the drawer.
(audience laughing)
Think I'm making all this up
about women beating the ability
to dress yourself right out
of ya? I'll give you proof.
You ever been in the grocery store.
See that old guy in there
wearing flip flops,
no pants and a sweater vest?
(audience laughing)
That dude isn't crazy.
His wife was just visiting her mother.
(audience laughing)
She ran off and forgot to
leave him anything to wear,
and that's the best
he could come up with.
(audience laughing)
I don't even laugh at that guy.
I buy him an ice cream sandwich.
Tell him he looks snappy.
(audience laughing)