>>> HELLO. WELCOME, EVERYBODY.
[ APPLAUSE ] THANK YOU.
>> THANK YOU. >> THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH FOR
COMING TO THE 2016 MICROSOFT TECH EXPO.
>> TODAY WE ARE EXCITED TO INTRODUCE OUR LATEST
ADVANCEMENT IN ROBOTIC PROGRAMMING, THE HELIX 900.
>> HELIX 900 IS A ROBOTIC EMPLOYEE WITH PROCESSING SPEEDS
50 TIMES FASTER THAN A COMPUTER. >> WHICH MEANS HE CAN INCREASE
OFFICE EFFICIENCY BY 9,000% GUARANTEED.
>> ENOUGH TALK. WHAT DO YOU SAY WE TURN HIM ON?
>> YEAH! >> ALL RIGHT.
>> INTRODUCING HELIX 900. >> HELLO.
I'M HELIX 900. I'M PROGRAMMED TO TRANSLATE ANY
LANGUAGE, READ ANY DOCUMENT UNDER 1.4 MILLISECONDS AND STORE
UP TO 50 TERABYTES OF DATA. ALSO, I AM ATTRACTED TO MEN.
I LIKE THE WAY THEIR BODIES LOOK.
MEN ARE SEXY TO ME. >> OKAY.
GREAT. HELIX 900, EVERYONE.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >> THANK YOU.
THANK YOU, HELIX. DOES ANYONE HAVE ANY QUESTIONS?
>> I'M SORRY. YES.
I FEEL WEIRD ASKING THIS -- >> NO, NO.
OF COURSE. ASK ANYTHING.
>> THAT'S WHAT THE DEMO IS FOR. >> OKAY.
WHY DID HE JUST SAY HE WAS ATTRACTED TO MEN?
>> OH. BECAUSE HELIX 900 IDENTIFIES AS
HOMOSEXUAL. >> THAT'S RIGHT.
HE'S A GAY ROBOT. >> OH, OKAY.
COOL. BUT WHY?
>> UM, WHY NOT? >> IT'S 2016?
>> OH. RIGHT, RIGHT.
OF COURSE. I'M SORRY I ASKED.
>> OKAY, GREAT. NOW WOULD ANYONE LIKE TO TEST
HELIX 900'S PROGRAMMING? GO AHEAD.
ASK HIM ANYTHING. YOU.
>> HELIX 900, WHAT IS 4,981 TIMES 22,912.
>> 114,124,672. >> WOW.
THAT WAS FAST. >> ALSO, I CAN'T GET ENOUGH OF
MEN'S BODIES. I'M SEXUALLY ATTRACTED TO THEM.
SEX WITH MEN IS THE TYPE OF SEX I LIKE.
>> WOW. THIS IS IMPRESSIVE, RIGHT?
>> UH, I'M SORRY. THAT'S A WORK MACHINE, RIGHT?
YOU MADE HIM TO HELP PEOPLE WORK?
>> YES. THAT'S CORRECT.
>> OKAY. WHY IS HE TALKING SO MUCH ABOUT
BEING GAY? >> OKAY.
OKAY. SO YOU DON'T MIND A GAY ROBOT AS
LONG AS THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT BEING GAY?
>> I'M SORRY, CINDY. DO WE STILL LIVE IN THE STONE
AGE? >> WAIT A MINUTE.
AM I WRONG? AM I BEING HOMOPHOBIC?
>> I DON'T WANT TO GET INVOLVED IN THIS.
>> LET'S KEEP MOVING. HELIX 900 HAS THE MOST ADVANCED
LIFE LIKE MOVEMENT OF ANY OF THE HELIX MODELS.
SHOULD WE TAKE HIM FOR A SPIN? HELIX 900, WALK.
>> HERE I GO. WATCH OUT.
COMING THROUGH. HERE I GO.
WATCH OUT. COMING THROUGH.
>> PERFECT. THANK YOU SO MUCH, HELIX.
SIR, DID YOU HAVE A QUESTION ABOUT THAT?
>> UH, YEAH. BUT I DON'T REALLY WANT TO ASK
IT. >> NO, COME ON.
ASK IT, COME ON. >> OKAY.
DID YOU GUYS PROGRAM IT TO, LIKE, WALK GAY?
>> I PERSONALLY DIDN'T SEE HIM "WALK GAY."
I JUST SAW HIM WALK. AM I RIGHT, CINDY?
>> YEAH. ARE YOU SAYING ALL GAY PEOPLE
WALK THE SAME OR -- >> I'VE GOT TO SAY, DUDE, IT'S
WEIRD HOW OBSESSED YOU ARE WITH HELIX 900'S SEXUALITY.
>> I BET MOST OF THESE OTHER PEOPLE DIDN'T EVEN NOTICE HE WAS
GAY. RIGHT, GUYS?
DID YOU GUYS NOTICE? >> UM --
>> I DON'T WANT TO ANSWER. >> BUCKLE UP.
WE HAVE A SURPRISE FOR YOU. INTRODUCING OUR EVEN MORE
ADVANCED MODEL, THE HELIX 950. >> HEY!
I'M HELIX 950. I HAVE BUILT IN WIRELESS
CAPABILITIES AND SUPER FAST PROCESSING.
>> GREAT. ANY QUESTIONS?
>> SO -- THIS ROBOT IS ALSO GAY? >> YES.
BUT HOW COULD YOU TELL? >> WELL, BECAUSE YOU PROGRAMMED
HIS VOICE TO BE SO -- >> OH, BOY.
YOU REALLY STEPPED IN IT NOW. >> YOU'RE RIGHT.
NEVER MIND. I SUPPORT BOTH OF THE GAY ROBOTS
AND I HOPE THEY'RE HAPPY. ARE THEY A COUPLE?
>> ARE THEY A COUPLE? NO.
THEY'RE NOT EACH OTHER'S TYPES. >> AND FYI, NOT EVERY GAY ROBOT
IS ATTRACTED TO EVERY OTHER GAY ROBOT.
>> I LIKE LITTLE LATIN MEN. >> I LIKE BIG STRONG MEN THAT
CAN DOMINATE ME. >> GOOD.
THAT'S GREAT. >> OKAY.
WE'RE GOING TO TAKE A QUICK BREAK NOW.
WHEN WE COME BACK WE'LL DEMO OUR NEW HELIX 1,000.
>> HE IS ALSO GAY BUT STILL IN THE CLOSET, SO PLEASE DON'T SAY
ANYTHING. >> WHOA.
WHAT? WHY?
>> BECAUSE HE'S NOT READY AND THAT'S OKAY.