[Channel Teaser]
How A Player Managed To Outwit A Bad Dungeon Master
Hi everyone.
All Things DnD is back with a couple of stories that will make you thankful that you don’t
have to play with these terrible DMs.
Seriously, these are some of the worst I’ve seen.
We’d love to hear about your terrible DM stories after you listen to these:
#1 What’s A Bad DM?
Join a game of D&D, because why not?
The GM seems cool and the players are varying levels of weird but otherwise aren't horrible
people.
First session rolls around.
We encounter "goblins" as our first encounter.
My Barbarian runs up to cleave them in half.
I get told to roll fortitude.
"Why?"
"Just do it."
I roll a 13 on fortitude.
"You inhale a dust that smells of rotten tomatoes."
"Okay…"
Never heard of this effect but whatever.
Eventually we kill the goblins, then the DM rolls some dice behind the screen and chuckles.
"A goblin burst from your chest!"
Wait, what?
"You breathed in the spores of a goblinoid, which erupts from their body whenever they
take damage and has a chance to form into a new goblinoid and erupt from the victim's
chest."
What the hell?
"Why didn't you tell me that?"
"You didn't roll Nature?"
“Wouldn't my character have known not to get close to these things?"
"Your character's not smart enough to know what a goblin is."
Pissed off, I begin rolling up a new character.
Instakilled after the first combat…
This time I roll up Ranger with above average INT, with goblinoids as a favored enemy.
The DM looks annoyed for a moment but lets it slide.
I think nothing of it, and get ready to be integrated into the party properly.
Things go off without a hitch.
Nobody tries attacking me or stealing my crap or whatever.
I get welcomed with open arms.
I go into town for a bit to resupply before heading out towards our next point of interest.
Along the way, we encounter some Goblins.
Oh boy here we go.
My turn comes up.
I make my attack roll.
"Your bonuses don't apply here."
What?
"Excuse me, you clearly said that these were goblins."
"Your character doesn't know that though.
Besides, these aren't actually goblins."
"The hell?"
"Yeah, people call them goblins but they aren't actually goblins; they're a variant of the
orc sub-type."
"And you're telling me that my Ranger, that lives in the woods and fights goblinoids,
wouldn't know the difference?"
"Of course, because he isn't smart enough."
Now I'm pissed, but I hold my tongue, do my attack roll anyways, and we kill the party
of “orc sub-types.”
If the other players are mad, they aren't showing it, most are avoiding eye contact
or fidgeting in their seats.
The campaign's hitting critical overdrive, so I decide "screw it" and start having fun
with the DM.
After a couple more encounters with "goblins," one of our melee guys got killed from breathing
in the goblin dust.
Later, we make it to town, and are beckoned by a young woman, an elf (of course).
"Am I smart enough to know what an Elf is?"
"What?"
"I'm asking, am I smart enough to know what an elf is?"
Everyone's looking at me funny but I don't care; I've long since stopped caring.
“Yes, you know what an Elf is."
"Cool."
The elf beckons us towards a tavern.
"Am I smart enough to know what a tavern is?"
DM tells me yes; I say "Cool," in response.
"So you guys walk through the door-"
"Am I smart enough to know what a door is?"
I'm catching whifs of That Guy from here.
I can see the faintest outline of a vein on the DM's forehead as he curtly replies, "you
know what a door is!"
"Cool."
"Anyways, you're all lead to a table-"
"Do we know what a table is?"
One of the other party members asks.
"Yes, you know what a table is, and you sit down-"
"What's sitting?"
Another party member asks.
"You know how to sit, and when you do sit down, she asks you a-"
"What's a question?"
Another party member asks.
The DM is noticeably pissed but the mood has become much lighter than it was earlier.
Every word the DM asks is interrupted with questions on whether or not we know what it
is.
Eventually, the DM gets up from the table, packs away his notes and leaves.
Meanwhile, we're all still laughing like idiots.
The DM eventually told us over facebook that he was cancelling the game for the foreseeable
future and then deleted us from his friends list once someone asked, "what's a facebook?"
Who is a terrible DM?
That guy.
#2 The Anti-Magic DM
I got invited to a 3.5 campaign so I asked the DM what kind of world it was set in.
His response was, "Your average fantasy setting".
He refuses to give me more than that vague information.
I asked him about the group and what it needs.
I figure out they need a perceptive, roguish type character who can also do some survival.
I decide on Scout (ranger meets rogue for those who don't know) and due to some awful
rolls I have to go Dexterity archer.
I focus on Perception, Disable Device, Precision damage.
But it turns out the campaign is Eberron meets Ravenloft, and all of the enemies are Undead,
Construct, Plant, Elementals or Oozes.
So, basically I deal zero damage and bring nothing to the group in combat.
All traps are magical traps with DC of 21 at lowest, which means that with my 7 Perception
and my 9 Disable Device (even with feats) can't spot half and can't disable half of
the ones I do miraculously find.
Die first session…
Resurrected against my will with -2 Constitution.
Die 4th session…
Die in 7th session…
Every time I die I ask the GM if this crap is going to continue.
It’s pretty obvious that I'm not having fun at all.
GM literally either ignores me or trivializes my problems.
And that's when I blew up.
I retired my character even though my GM didn't want me to, and rolled a wizard.
Focused Specialist Conjurer with cloudy conjuration, abrupt jaunt, etc, you know the go to RAW
and RAI character to destroy a game, and so I did.
I got kicked out the second session after I started with it because I basically ruled
the game, and GM had to come up with BS that I still counter which made him even angrier.
Just an example: GM was pissed I retired my first character, so he "kidnapped" my wizard
from his wizard school and made the party rescue me.
He put me in a cell on the 3rd floor of a building.
I literally did this while talking to the guards once I woke up.
I moved to the window, waved to the guards and hopped out.
I cast Feather Fall, then cast Phantom Steed and gallop away.
He didn't know I don't lose the spells I didn't spend from the last day if I don't prepare
them in the morning and that they are somatic and verbal only.
So even though they stole my book, component pouch, and left me naked, I was still able
to escape.
He was obviously angry when I did that to the point of retconning and adding an antimagic
field, later backfiring during the encounter with the party because my kidnappers all used
magic, and the moment he "removed" the antimagic field to fight the party, I escaped again.
Make sure all of your players have some kind of impact!
C’mon man!
#3 DM is a one man show
The game starts with the DM giving us literally a novella to read.
It's literally a fanfic about a hero.
A hero who, SHOCKER, is his DMPC.
Great…
The hero, the DMPC, recruits us to go with him on a quest.
He leads us to talk to the king.
He then begins talking with himself - like he was two different people.
Okay…
Several minutes later he tells us to go talk with the captain.
Progress.
Nope.
We get to the captain and he starts talking with himself again.
Bored as hell, some of us start messing with our cell phones.
The DMPC tells us next that we should go to the temple.
I finally say: "DM, give us something to do"
"Later."
We go to the temple.
He starts talking with himself but this time trying to impersonate a female voice.
Poorly.
Cue even more boring dialogue.
I say again: "DM, just give us something to do."
"Not now, I'm world building."
Having finished “world building” in the temple, he tells us that he needs to go talk
with the mage's guild.
"DM, please make something interesting happen".
DM is clearly upset about it and tells me to shut up.
We go into the mage’s guild and he starts roleplaying as a wizard.
He asks us something that we can’t possibly know the answer to, only for his DMPC to answer.
One of the guys isn't at the table anymore.
He turned on the TV and is already having a better time.
The DM tells us that we should go talk with the sentries near the city.
Please… no more…
As we leave the city, he suddenly stops to talk with a nearby patrol.
I lose my patience and stab the DMPC.
The DM looks shocked.
The guy watching TV is now interested in the game again.
The DM points out that his hero is at a much higher level than mine.
And almost as if it were orchestrated, the entire table joined me in stabbing his DMPC.
The entire table of good guys starts to chop his DMPC limb from limb.
The DM tries to fight back but he is overwhelmed by the group.
DMPC dies in the street.
The entire table starts celebrating.
The DM gets pissed and leaves.
Write a book next time.
#4 The DM needs to learn patience.
The DM's a guy at a local store known for a lack of patience.
Up to the point where you have 5 seconds to decide your actions in combat, or else you
skip a turn.
Anyway.
The party is deep in a dungeon.
Rather than continuing along the main path, we get sidetracked.
There's a hole, not deep enough to take damage, but deep enough to not be able to climb back
up.
I jump in solo and tell the party to throw me a rope when I call for it.
The chamber is round and has two corridors, one to the left and one to the right with
a "contraption" between them.
There is a portal at the end of a 10 meter corridor to the left, and a wall described
as "being possible to move" in the right corridor.
The "contraption" is just 8 levers…
I try the portal first by throwing an apple into it.
The party members upstairs see an apple drop next to them.
Alright.
I get to the puzzle and pull the 2nd lever.
It doesn't budge.
I pull the first lever.
It drops a wall right at the start of the left hallway and raises one at the start of
the right hallway.
The third lever does the same - just the walls are further in.
I figure out that I need to pull levers 1 3 5 and 7.
I mess with the DM for 10 minutes, pulling the levers randomly, pretending to scribble
things in my notebook.
Whenever another player tries to advise me, I just say, "I almost got it, just gimme a
minute".
The DM finally has enough.
He starts yelling, "this puzzle couldn't be any easier!
All you had to do is pull levers-"
As the entire store watches him have his meltdown, I interrupt and say, "1 3 5 and 7?
Yeah I got it, but I wanted to see if there are any secret combinations unlocking hidden
chambers with more loot, or hidden passageways."
He loses his mind and scraps the whole campaign.
He still loses his crap 2 years later at anyone mentioning the numbers 1357 around him.
His recent games start at 14:00 so I can always trigger him 3 minutes before his next game
starts.
Relax, guy!
I get people can take too long making decisions, but this is a quick way to give yourself a
heart attack.
So many bad DMs, so little time!
Hopefully we can all learn some valuable lessons from these stories and become better for it.
Please let us know what you think and comment below!
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