-It's come to my attention that before the jury goes off
for deliberations,
the defendant would like to make a statement.
Mr. Davis, the floor is yours.
-Okay. Thank you, Your Honor.
Look, I'll try to make this short.
You all know me by now.
You all have seen how I've handled myself here.
I think you got a pretty good sense of who I am.
And maybe I'm naive.
I just don't think that you need a fancy lawyer
for a simple question of right and wrong.
And I guess what I want to say is, when I think of football,
I don't think a TV deals or licensing agreements.
I think about being 10 years old, you know,
in the back yard with my dad
and we didn't have helmets or pads.
All we had was the ball, and he pulled me in close
and he'd draw up plays in the palm of his hand.
And I'd go out there and I'd just run routes,
knowing that every time I reached out,
he'd put the ball right in my hands.
And afterwards we go inside and we toss on the game
and have -- have a nice hot bowl of chili.
Well, he passed away a few years ago.
My memories like that are -- are all I have left of him.
It's just about the most precious thing I have, I guess.
Anyway, I don't want to take up any more of your time.
I know we all have places we'd rather be.
I just wanted to say that I understand
that the phrase "Thursday Night Football"
is technically trademarked.
So yeah, maybe I shouldn't have put it in an invitation
to a small group of friends
that play a game of touch football in the park.
I guess I technically broke the law,
and if you want to punish me for that,
you have every right to do so.
Whatever you do, I'll understand.
Alright. I just wanted to say that.
Thank you. Thank you, Your Honor.
-So I just want to remind the jury
that that is not what this case is about.
What Mr. Davis actually did
is organize an event called the "Puppy Bowl,"
where he took a bunch of French bulldogs
to a high school football field
and then kicked them through the field goal posts
like little footballs.
-Objection, Your Honor. There's no evidence of that.
-We have a video of you doing it.
Video which you yourself shot and then edited
into a "sizzle reel" to get Spike TV back on top.
It was the first piece of evidence submitted.
We saw how, on each kick, you raised your arms
and said, "Adam Vinatieri,"
a kicker who hasn't been in the league in years.
-And yet many of the jurors are on my side.
-Like who?
-I don't know, juror number four was throwing me vibe.
-Oh, I was just remembering
how you fired your lawyer on the first day,
and the judge said you were going to regret that.
So when you were talking, I was like, "Man,
the judge was so right." And then I smiled.
-Well, what about juror number two?
She was so moved by my story that she was crying.
-Oh, I was laughing, actually,
because you said your dad was dead.
But he's not. He's right there.
He was a -- He was a witness for the prosecution.
Said we should fry you.
And then all of us pretty much stopped paying attention
to anything you said after that.
-Again, I didn't even know
the dogs were going to be there.
-That is not true.
Your coworker said that you kept telling them
they were going to be "hella dogs" there.
And that it was going to be the most depraved night of the year.
-Okay, but none of the dogs actually got hurt.
You have to remember, I invented a very soft shoe,
and we caught all of them in a big pillow.
-Yes, we know that. -Exhibit C, the picture.
I won't allow you to show that picture again.
-Your Honor, please.
-Okay, fine. This is a picture of one of the dogs
after being kicked 50 yards through the air
and landing in a pillow.
[ Jurors aww ]
-Let the records show that he liked it.
Did I kick him with a soft shoe? Yes. And yet he liked it.
-Alright. At this point, I'd like to excuse the jury
to make their deliberations.
Go ahead and take as much time as you need.
I'll just be right here enjoying a light little snack
that I packed myself this morning. Nothing too heavy.
Just a little something to get me to lunch, you know.
Oh. You're back. Oh, you're back already?
Okay.
Not even enough time for me to eat my sliced cantaloupe.
Alright.
Well, foreman of the jury, have you made a decision?
-Uh, we have, Your Honor.
-And what have you decided?
-We find the defendant guilty
of being the biggest damn party animal in the state.
-Oh, hell, yeah!
-Also, 38 counts of animal cruelty,
which carries a sentence of 5 to 10.
-What? Alright, who cares?
It'll be overturned in appeal anyway.
-This is your appeal.
You're going to jail, Mr. Davis.
I can only hope this brings peace to the victim's family.
[ Dog barking ]