We did another video recently here about how to not let people take advantage of
you. What if they already did? How to deal
with people who take advantage of you?
Unfortunately, it's going to happen. It's really not if, it's when people take
advantage of you. How do you deal with them in that relationship after that? Now,
we did another video on how to prevent that or put yourself in a position where
that's not happening too much. In this video, let's focus on, "Okay, now I'm there.
It's happened. Things are going on. I'm being taken advantage of. How am I going
to deal with that person now?" So, assuming that you're already in that relationship.
There's a movie that came out a couple of years ago. This was 2015, Cinderella.
Some of you have probably seen that live-action. It's not the old animated
Disney version. But the live-action 2015 Cinderella. I'm acknowledging, I'm
admitting I really enjoyed that movie. I watched it with my daughter. She laughs
at me because I kind of get teary at a few points. There's a lot of things that
I really liked about this movie. And the first thing the reason I mention it to
you is because Cinderella got some really sagely profound advice from her
mother who passed away right at the beginning of the show. It's Cinderella,
okay? No surprises. As her mother was passing she said to Cinderella, "Have
courage and be kind." We're going to use that, alright? When it comes to being
taken advantage of. If someone you're in a relationship is mistreating you're
taking advantage of you. Now, Cinderella was in that position with her wicked
stepmother, right? Her stepsisters, they were taking advantage of her. So, it's a
pretty good example for that purpose. And that the advice was have
courage and be kind. Now courage implies fear. So, some of the things that you're
going to need to do to take care of yourself, you will be afraid to do. Why?
Well, because it's kind of risky. You might be rejected. You might be
overridden in some way. They might just totally blow you off and continue to
abuse you and take advantage of you. Yeah, that could happen and that's the
fear. Courage implies fear. If you don't have any fear,
it doesn't require any courage does it? Have courage implies that you feel the
fear and you do it anyway. Some of the things that you get to do to take care
of yourself will be in that category. So, be prepared to have courage. And be kind.
You will need to assertively set some boundaries and limits and that feels
like it's not nice, right? Okay, be kind as you do this as well. So, with
that in mind, with that backdrop, let's talk about three specific things that
you could do. And the first, number 1, practice forgiveness. This is easier when
we understand what forgiveness is and what it's not. So, let's start with what
it's not. Forgiveness is not saying that what just happened to me, what you just
did to me is okay. We come by this from our childhood probably where we're
programmed to say, "Oh, it's okay." Is it? Is it okay for someone to abuse
you or take advantage of you? No. So, don't say that it's okay. That's not what it's
about. Forgiveness is not pardoning someone for
their crime. You don't have that kind of authority anyway. It's not saying that
that they're off the hook. And it's certainly not continuing to let yourself
be abused. So, what is forgiveness. I think forgiveness is letting go. This
is the part in Cinderella where I got a little teary. It actually choked me up
because of the powerful nature of this particular scene. Do you
remember when Cinderella was about to leave for her happily ever after with
Prince Charming, right? He came by, tried on the slipper, no surprises it fit. Her
stepmother, in her angry and tyrannical way was threatening Cinderella. And by
the end of the movie, we're just hating this woman, right? And she deserves every
bit of it. Well, before Cinderella leaves, her stepmother is sitting up there on
the stairs. Inside the cottage. She's about to leave with her prince and she
stops. She turns around to her stepmother and says three words, "I forgive you." And
then she turns and leaves with her prince. What was she saying? Was she
saying, "Hey, all of that abuse you dished out to me since my father died, Oh,
that's okay." No. It's not okay for anyone to treat you
or anyone else the way that she treated Cinderella, right? That's not what she's
saying. She's not saying, "Oh, you're pardoned, you've you're off the hook for
anything that you've done." No, she wasn't saying that either. I think what
Cinderella was saying is, "Oh, I'm heading off to my happily ever after. But I still
got some stuff here that I don't want to take with me." Boom! "I'm going to leave it
here. Y'all can do whatever you want to with that. I'm out of here."
And then she's off with her prince. See, I think forgiveness is letting go of this
burden. It's leaving it where it belongs so that we can move on to our happily
ever after. Can you do that? Can you practice
forgiveness and notice it's not about the stepmother or whatever she's going to
do with it. That doesn't matter. That's totally irrelevant. Doesn't matter. What
matters is that you get to move on without the burden. That's what I mean by
practice forgiveness. Now, with that clarity, let's go
number 2, set appropriate boundaries and limits. Set appropriate boundaries
and limits. You get to decide how far people can come to take advantage of you.
How much you're willing to give for people to take advantage of you. You get
to decide it. Sometimes that means you get to say some things that you're not
completely comfortable saying. I don't know if you know me well enough to know
I'm not a huge fan of being comfortable. If you're comfortable, you're not growing,
you're not stretching. So, let's get out of that comfort zone to stretch it out a
little bit and you go ahead and say what you need to say to set that limit. Here's
a little tip. Stay away from the word but, okay? For example you're in a
relationship with someone who's taking advantage of you. It's okay for you to
say, "I love you and I will not let you hit me." Oh boy, do you hear that? It's not
"but." See, if you say, "I love you but..." That's like, "Forget what I just said here's what
I really mean." It's okay to use the word and. In fact, that's even more powerful. 'I
love you and I will not let you hit me." Can you imagine saying that to a toddler?
Can you imagine saying that to your spouse? Okay? You're setting a limit. I
will not allow this limit to be crossed, okay? And then you come up with ways in
your mind that you can enforce that limit which is a whole other
conversation probably. But setting that limit is so important. That's step number
2. Now let's go on to number 3. Number 3 is kind of a hard one
because this is where you renew or release the relationship. Renew or
release. This idea came from Desmond Tutu who wrote a beautiful book on on
4 Steps of Forgiveness. Where this is one of his steps that you renew the
relationship if it's salvageable, if it's important to you, if it's something that
needs to remain in your key relationships. It has to be renewed
because the way that it was isn't working. Creating a whole new
relationship. I'm working with people here in the office who are doing just
that. There's a couple for example. Where
there's been some infidelity or there's been other forms of abuse or taking
advantage of other people. And it becomes really clear that we're not going to go
back to what it was, ever. In fact, they don't want to. Because that wasn't
working. So, we're going to renew the relationship in a way that creates a
whole new dynamic. When you're ready to set some limits around people taking
advantage of you, to continue that relationship means we get to redefine it
and renew it. That's what I'm talking about with renew. Or release. Releasing
the relationship is where you decide, "This is better for all of us that this
relationship gets to be set aside. It's become part of our past and our history
and something that we can learn from and feel grateful for and move on without."
And this works better for people who don't by definition of the relationship,
have to remain in your life. So, it might be a breakup with someone who has no
continued interest with you. I see divorces for example where there's no
children. They don't have a big reason to continue any kind of a relationship and
so they can simply release that relationship. I say simply. Simple and
easy aren't the same thing. But this is where if you can't
renew it or if there's not a reason to renew it or if it's not feasible or
possible or practical, then sometimes we get to release that relationship. It's
okay for you to set those kinds of limits. Because when
relationship gets to a point where it's destructive or toxic, it's not helping
either party. That's the time sometimes when a release is more important. We're
all about personal development here. We've got a whole playlist positive
personal development here at Live on Purpose TV. Get connected to that. I'll
see you tomorrow.