-Running a bit behind today.
I thought if you guys wouldn't mind,
I'd just like to write out
my weekly thank you notes right now.
Is that cool with you guys? [ Cheers and applause ]
Hey, James, can I get
some thank-you-note-writing music, please?
[ Soft piano playing, laughter ]
It's so peaceful.
-Pensive. [ Laughter ]
-Thank you, people running
the New York City Marathon this weekend.
Now we can stop hearing about how you're going run a marathon
and start hearing about how you ran a marathon.
[ Laughter and applause ] -"I heard it went great."
-"I hit a certain point where I didn't think I could do it."
[ Laughter ] "What was that?"
-No, that's great. That's great.
-"Yeah, I just didn't -- There was no way, man.
I was like, 'There's no way I can do it.'"
-Right. -"But I did it."
-Oh, sure, yeah. -"Yeah."
-That's great. [ Laughter ]
-Thank you, Bitcoin, for turning 10 years old this week,
which is the exact amount of time it takes
for someone to explain to me what the hell Bitcoin is.
[ Laughter and applause ]
-"It's an interlocking --
You got three or four blockchains,
it's impossible to break."
[ Laughter ]
-Thank you, "Trick or treat, smell my feet,"
for escalating way too quickly.
Wait. Wait. Wait. Whoa. Whoa. [ Light laughter ]
You don't like that one?
Wow, they didn't like that one.
I think that's a funny one. Trick or treat, smell my feet.
-Yeah, "Trick or treat, smell my feet,"
it's like, "What?"
-Yeah, you took it to a different level.
-Hmm.
-This joke will never see the light of day.
[ Sad piano music playing ]
[ Laughter ]
♪♪
I'm having a great time. Thanks for --
[ Laughter ] -Come on! Don't be like that.
You can do it.
-Thanks for inviting me.
-Oh, come on.
Did you write that joke?
Did you write that thank you note?
That was yours, wasn't it? -What's that?
-People liked it. They really liked it.
I mean, we shouldn't put it on air, but they loved it.
[ Cheers and applause ] -They did?
Thank you, guys! -Yeah!
[ Bob Seger's "Old Time Rock 'n' Roll" playing ]
♪♪
[ Music stops ]
[ Music restarts ]
♪♪
-Mark!
[ Music restarts ]
♪♪
[ Music stops ]
[ Laughter ]
It's too late, Mark.
[ Laughter ]
-Oh, he dropped. -Oh, he dropped it.
-Oh. -Oh.
[ Audience "aws" ]
[ Sad piano music playing ]
[ Laughter ]
-Now we're back to where we started.
[ Laughter ]
-That was the night when the saxophone dropped.
Hot sax. -They found it?
What, they found it? They found it!
He's got it! He's got it!
He's going to give it to him right there!
He's got it! Hey, he's got it!
[ Bob Seger resumes ]
♪♪
[ Music stops ]
[ Laughter, microphone feedback ]
[ Note-writing music playing ]
Thank you, daylight savings time,
for giving us an extra hour of sleep.
I think I speak for everyone when I say that extra 60 minutes
is totally worth waking up in complete darkness
for the next four months.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Thank you, Apple, for releasing 70 new emojis this week.
Finally, a simple way to let people know
I just saw a swan with a lacrosse stick
lotioning up a raccoon on a skate board.
[ Laughter and applause ] Finally!
Thank you, beef jerky, for being the only time
we're like, "a bag of loose dehydrated meat
from the gas station? Sign me up!"
[ Laughter and applause ]
Loose dehydrated meat.
Thank you, curly fries for not being called perm-tatoes.
There you go, everybody! Those are my thank you notes!