I'M STEPHEN COLBERT.
THIS IS "THE LATE SHOW,"" AND, MAN, I'M SO EXCITED I HAVE NO
IDEA WHAT-- >> Jon: THAT FEELS GOOD!
>> Stephen: I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT DAY OR NIGHT IT IS RIGHT
NOW.
AND I'LL TELL YOU, THAT'S NOT THE ONLY THING THAT'S GOT ME
CONFUSE, A LITTLE BIT UPSET.
I COME TO YOU RIGHT NOW-- WE TALKED ABOUT THIS EARLIER-- I
COME TO YOU AS A MAN WHO GOT NO SLEEP LAST NIGHT BECAUSE OF
DISTURBING NEWS OUT OF NORTH KOREA.
THEY CONDUCTED A NUCLEAR TEST DETONATING A 10 KILOGRAM DEVICE
UNDERGROUND.
YOU THINK IT'S HARD BEING A NORTH KOREAN?
IMAGINE BEING A NORTH KOREAN PRAIRIE DOG.
IT'S TRECIAL.
AND NORTH KOREA MAY SOON HAVE THE TECHNOLOGY TO NUKE COUNTRIES
OTHER THAN THEIR OWN BECAUSE LAST MONTH THEY TESTED A
SUBMARINE.
BASED MISSILE CALLED THE "NO DONG."
( LAUGHTER ) NO DONG!
MOST MEN JUST GET A SPORTS CAR.
HE GOT A MISSILE.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
THE MISSILE FLEW 300 MILES BEFORE FALLING INTO THE SEA OF
JAPAN.
MAN!
THE DOLPHINS AROUND JAPAN JUST CANNOT CATCH A BREAK.
NOW, OVER THE YEARS-- IT'S SAD.
IT'S A SAD STORY.
NOW, OVER THE YEARS, WE'VE ENJOYED A GOOD HA-HA ABOUT
LITTLE KIM'S LITTLE NUKES.
BUT WITH A SUBMARINE-BASED NUCLEAR MISSILE, THEY MIGHT BE
ABLE TO THREATEN THE UNITED STATES, AND SUDDENLY AN UNHINGED
STRONGMAN WITH A RIDICULOUS HAIRCUT AND NUCLEAR ARMS ISN'T
SO FUNNY ANYMORE, ESPECIALLY SINCE AFTER NOVEMBER, WE MIGHT
HAVE ONE OF OUR OWN.
LAUGH.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) AND, YOU KNOW--
>> Jon: >> Jon: YOU WENT INTO IT
THERE.
>> Stephen: YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE ISN'T FUNNY, NORTH KOREA?
EVERYTHING.
BECAUSE THEY BAPPED THE USE OF CAR CAMP.
NOW, THEY'RE NOT BANNING I HAD PERPLY.
THERE'S NO NEED TO, BECAUSE IN NORTH KOREA, PEOPLE REALLY DO
FEEL HUNGRY ENOUGH TO EAT A HORSE.
AND HERE'S WHY THEY BANNED THE SARCASM.
BECAUSE KIM JONG-UN FEARS PEOPLE ONLY AGREE WITH HIM IRONICALLY.
( LAUGHTER ) ALL RIGHT, WELL, THAT'S HOW HE
FEELS.
I'D LIKE TO TAKE A MOMENT RIGHT NOW TO REASSURE KIM JONG-UN.
DEAR LEADER, I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT YOUR BAN ON SARCASM IS A
GREAT IDEA.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
SO, SO-- IT'S SO SMART.
IT DOESN'T SEEM DESPERATE AT ALL.
AND SETTING OFF A BOMB UNDERNEATH YOUR OWN COUNTRY?
GENIUS.
( LAUGHTER ) AND BY THE THE WAY, THAT
HAIRCUT, AMAZING!
DOESN'T MAKE YOU LOOK ANYTHING LIKE A GANG LEADER AT A WOMEN'S
PRISON.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) HOPE THAT MAKES HIM FEEL BETTER.
>> Jon: YEAH, YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT, THAT'S RIGHT.
>> Stephen: HE'S SOMEBODY'S LITTLE BOY.
>> Jon: OH, YEAH.
>> Stephen: HERE'S SOME HAPPY NEWS, NEW iPHONE SEVEN JUST
WENT ON PRESAIL BOTH HERE AND IN HONG KONG, WHERE THEY'RE USING
THE TAGLINE, "THIS IS 7."
BUT THERE'S BEEN A BIT OF A PROBLEM, BECAUSE IN CANTONESE,
SEVEN IS ALSO SLANG FOR PENIS.
>> Jon: HEY!
>> Stephen: SO ALL OF THEIR ADS READ, "THIS IS PENIS."
COINCIDENTALLY, "THIS IS PEENES" IS WHAT I SAID RIGHT BEFORE I
LOST MY VIRGINITY.
I WAS TRYING TO BE POLITE, MAKING AN INTRODUCTION.
THIS IS PENIS.
EVERYBODY, THIS IS PENIS.
I DON'T THINK EQAIGHT THE IPHONE WITH A PENIS IS GOING TO
HURT SALES.
THEY'RE BOTH TOUCH SENSITIVE, AND FOR BOTH OF THEM, IT'S RUDE
TO TAKE THEM OUT AT DINNER.