GREG: YES!
LOUD, VERY LOUD.
OKAY, OKAY, OKAY.
SHUT UP, EVERYBODY.
[LAUGHTER]
SO TRUMP'S WEEK WAS ABOUT AS
GOOD AS THE DEMOCRATS' WEEK WAS
BAD.
FIRST, HE HAD THE STATE OF THE
UNION.
DARE I SAY IT?
PRETTY GOOD.
AND I HATE STATE OF THE UNIONS
MORE THAN I HATE CHILDREN.
[LAUGHTER]
BUT IT WAS A SOLID, POSITIVE
ASSESSMENT OF THE WORLD; STRONG
ECONOMY, JOBS, FOREIGN POLICY.
PLUS, IT HAD SOMETHING FOR
EVERYONEMENT ON ONE SIDE, THERE
WAS MORE CASH FOR DEFENSE.
ON THE OTHER, PAID FAMILY LEAVE.
ON ONE SIDE, A DEFENSE OF THE
UNBORN.
ON THE OTHER, SECOND CHANCES FOR
THE INCARCERATED.
SO EVERY GIFT TO THE RIGHT HAD
SOMETHING FOR THE LEFT.
IT WAS MORE BALANCED THAN ME
WHEN I'M ON MY MEDS.
[LAUGHTER]
AND THAT MUST HAVE REALLY
CONFUSED SOME PEOPLE, ENOUGH TO
FORGET HOW TO CLAP.
SERIOUSLY --
[LAUGHTER]
WHAT WAS PELOSI THINKING?
[LAUGHTER]
>> I THINK DR. SEUSS REALLY HAD
SOMETHING HERE.
ONE FISH, TWO FISH, RED FISH,
BLUE FISH.
[LAUGHTER]
OH, BRILLIANT.
OH, SHOOT, IT'S TIME TO CLAP.
OH, I FORGOT HOW TO CLAP!
[LAUGHTER]
GREG: SOMEBODY NEEDS NEW
SOFTWARE.
THE BEST PART, TRUMP ATTACKING A
DISEASE THAT'S MAKING A COMEBACK
AMONG DOE-EYED DEMS.
>> WE ARE ALARMED BY THE NEW
CALLS TO TONIGHT SOCIALISM IN
OUR COUNTRY.
[BACKGROUND SOUNDS]
AMERICA WAS FOUNDED ON LIBERTY
AND INDEPENDENCE AND NOT
GOVERNMENT COERCION, DOMINATION
AND CONTROL.
[APPLAUSE]
WE ARE BORN FREE AND WE WILL
STAY FREE.
TONIGHT WE RENEW OUR RESOLVE
THAT AMERICA WILL NEVER BE A
SOCIALIST COUNTRY.
GREG: OH, THAT STINGS!
YOU KNOW IT HURT SOME FEELINGS,
LIKE THIS GUY.
[LAUGHTER]
WONDER WHAT HE WAS THINKING.
[LAUGHTER]
>> TURKEY SALADING, THERE'S A
GOOD SANDWICH.
CHICKEN SALAD?
OVERRATED.
WHY DON'T THEY MAKE A SALAD
THAT'S A SANDWICH INSTEAD OF A
SANDWICH THAT'S A SALAD?
THAT SHOULD BE MY NEW CAMPAIGN.
SALADS, THEY CAN BE SANDWICHED.
[LAUGHTER]
GREG: TRUE.
BUT THERE WAS A SOFT OR SIDE TO
TRUMP.
AIDS RESEARCH, TREATMENTS FOR
SICK KIDS.
IF HE GOT ANY NICER, WE'D HAVE
TO REVOKE HIS REPUBLICAN STATUS.
[LAUGHTER]
BUT IT WASN'T LIKE THE CROWD WAS
HAVING IT.
NOPE.
FOR THE MOST PART, TRUMP
COULDN'T CRACK A SMILE FROM THIS
FIGHTING FORCE OF DENTAL
HYGIENISTS.
[LAUGHTER]
I KNOW, I KNOW, I KNOW, THEY
WERE WEARING WHITE AS A SYMBOL
OF SOLIDARITY ABOUT THE WOMEN'S
RIGHT TO VOTE, WHICH I CAN
SAFELY SAY I AM FOR, OKAY?
[LAUGHTER]
FOR NOW.
BUT EVERY TIME I LOOKED AT THEM,
I FELT LIKE I WAS ABOUT TO GET
MY TEETH CLEANS.
[LAUGHTER]
THANKFULLY, I ALREADY HAD THEM
CLEANED.
HERE IS TAPE.
[LAUGHTER]
GREG: PAINFUL.
ING WRONG TAPE.
HERE'S TAPE OF MY LAST DENTAL
VISIT.
[BACKGROUND SOUNDS]
[LAUGHTER]
GREG: I HOPE THAT'S NOT MY
BRUSH.
ONE MORE.
♪
GREG: THAT'S DR. STEVE.
VERY THOROUGH FOR AN OTTER.
[LAUGHTER]
SO TRUMP OFFERED SOMETHING FOR
EVERYONE.
HE WENT AFTER RUSSIA, OR CHINA,
HE ANNOUNCED ANOTHER MEETING
WITH NORTH KOREA.
SO DID THE MEDIA LIKE IT?
SURPRISE, NO.
[LAUGHTER]
>> EVERYTHING ELSE HE SAID IN
THIS SPEECH WILL BE OVERSHADOWED
BY THE FACT HE SAID THERE CANNOT
BE INVESTIGATIONS.
>> THAT THE PRESIDENT OF THE
UNITED STATES AT THIS MOMENT IN
THE WORLD DID NOT MENTION
CLIMATE CHANGE IN EVEN A
SENTENCE IS JUST, FRANKLY, A
DISGRACE.
>> WHAT HE REPRESENTED IS
SOMEONE WITH ABSOLUTELY NO
ATTACHMENT TO ANYTHING HE SAYS.
>> IT WAS SO GRANDIOSE AND OVER
THE TOP --
>> I SAW THIS AS A PSYCHOTICALLY
INCOHERENT SPEECH WITH COOKIES
AND DOG POOP.
[LAUGHTER]
GREG: COOKIES AND DOG POOP.
I KNOW WHAT BEN AND JERRY'S IS
MAKING NEXT YEAR.
[LAUGHTER]
ANYWAY, SO WHAT'S WITH ALL THE
PYLE -- BILE?
THERE WAS TOO MUCH COMPROMISE TO
MAKE THE CONFLICT STICK WHICH
DOESN'T HELP THE MEDIA WHICH CAN
ONLY PROFIT FROM ANGER TOWARD
TRUMP.
ADD THE MEDIA TO EVERY POT, AND
THE MEAL STINKS BECAUSE CONFLICT
AND PROFIT ARE JOINED AT THE
HIP.
THE MEDIA BUSINESS MODEL, TO BE
AN ETERNAL STIRRER OF [BLEEP]
[LAUGHTER]
KIDS IN THE AUDIENCE.
[LAUGHTER]
THEY'RE, LIKE, WEIRD VOLUNTEER
FIREMEN WHO START FIRES SO THEY
CAN PUT THEM OUT.
THE MEDIA CREATES UNREST SO THEY
CAN WRITE ABOUT IT LATER.
AND THE ANGRIER WE FEEL TOWARD
OUR FELLOW AMERICANS, THE BETTER
THE BOTTOM LINE IS FOR CNN AND
MSNBC.
AND THEN, GET THIS, ADD ONE MORE
PROBLEM.
IT'S THE DEMS, NOT TRUMP, WHO
ARE TRULY F-ING UP.
THAT'S ONE UPSIDE FOR EVERYONE
HAVING A BAD WEEK.
[LAUGHTER]
THE DEMS HAVE HAD IT WORSE.
BETWEEN LIZ WARREN AND THE
ENTIRE VIRGINIA DEMOCRATIC
PARTY, I SAY THE ONLY PEOPLE WHO
HAD IT WORSE WAS ANYONE WHO ATE
DANA PERINO'S QUESO.
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]
YEP.
SO WHILE TRUMP'S BEEN A TWO-YEAR
TARGET OF PSEUDO-SCANDAL
DODGEBALL, THE DEMS ARE SOAKING
IN THE REAL STUFF.
NO WONDER ADAM SCHIFF'S RUNNING
DOWN THE STREETS IN HIS
UNDERWEAR SCREAMING TAX RETURNS.
IT'S A DEFLECTION MUELLER'S
GIVING THEM ZILCH.
TRUMP'S DOING FINE.
THEY HAVE NO CHOICE BUT TO BANG
POTS AND PANS ALL AROUND THE
HOUSE LIKE A 10-YEAR-OLD HIGH ON
POP ROCKS --
[LAUGHTER]
AND HOPE THAT MAYBE THE MEDIA
PAYS ATTENTION, WHICH THEY WILL.
HERE'S YOUR WEEK IF YOU'RE A
DEMOCRAT.
LATE-TERM ABORTION, BLACK FACE,
SEXUAL ASSAULT ACCUSATIONS, THEN
MORE BLACK FACE, THEN MORE
ASSAULT ALLEGATIONS.
COULD THIS GET WORSE?
IF VIRGINIA'S DEMOCRATIC PARTY
TAKES CREDIT FOR DANA'S QUESO,
THEN YES.
[LAUGHTER]
BUT YOU KNOW WHAT?
THEY WOULDN'T EVEN DO THAT.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
GREG: LET'S WELCOME TONIGHT'S
GUESTS!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
A HUMMINGBIRD --
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
APPARENTLY, THEY DIDN'T TRY THE
QUESO, DANA.
[LAUGHTER]
CO-HOST AND ANCHOR OF THE DAILY
BRIEFING, YOU KNOW HER, DANA
PERINO.
HE'S SO SHARP, HE CAN SLICE A
MELON WITH HIS THOUGHTS.
THE GREAT WRITER AND TV
PRODUCER, ROB LONG.
[APPLAUSE]
HER FAVORITE CHARACTER IN
TITANIC WAS THE ICEBERG.
HOST OF THE TYRUS AND TIMPF
PODCAST, KAT TIMPF.
[APPLAUSE]
AND WHEN HE TRIPS, PEOPLE YELL
TIMBER.
FORMER WWE SUPERSTAR, MY MASSIVE
SIDEKICK, TYRUS!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
ALL RIGHT.
DANA, I KID YOU ABOUT THE QUESO.
IT'S PROVIDED ME WITH SO MUCH
INFORMATION.
>> I'M GLAD TO HAVE PROVIDED YOU
WITH MATERIAL THIS WEEK, YOU
WERE A LITTLE LIGHT ON THINGS.
GREG: YES, YES.
[LAUGHTER]
WHAT DID YOU MAKE OF THIS WEEK
SO FAR?
>> IT FEELS LIKE IT'S BEEN FOUR
WEEKS --
GREG: RIGHT.
>> THE QUESO WAS JUST, ACTUALLY,
FIVE DAYS AGO.
GREG: THAT'S TRUE.
>> STATE OF THE UNION, I WOULD
SAY -- THERE WERE NO HECKLERS.
GREG: RIGHT.
>> OKAY?
THERE WERE THESE GREAT MOMENTS
WHERE YOU HAD A SPONTANEOUS
HAPPY BIRTHDAY FOR AN
81-YEAR-OLD WHO WAS ONE OF THE
GUESTS OF THE PRIME MINISTER.
YOU HAD SOME -- OF THE
PRESIDENT.
THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED
STATES, FOR THE FIRST TIME IN
OUR COUNTRY'S HISTORY, HAD TO BE
ON THE FLOOR OF THE UNITED
STATES CONGRESS TO DECLARE THAT
THE UNITED STATES WILL NEVER BE
A SOCIALIST NATION.
[LAUGHTER]
GREG: I KNOW.
>> AND THE THING ABOUT THAT WAS
HE WASN'T JUST SAYING, OKAY, I'M
MIDWAY THROUGH MY TERM, HE'S
LIKE, OKAY, THIS IS A CHOICE --
GREG: YEAH.
>> BETWEEN WHAT I'M PROPOSING,
CAPITALISM, FREEDOM, ALL THIS
GOOD STUFF, AND SOCIALISM.
THAT WAS A VERY INTERESTING WAY
TO FRAME IT.
GREG: YEAH.
IT'S VERY SCARY, ROB, AND I JUST
WANT TO SAY I REST MY QUESO.
[LAUGHTER]
ROB, ROB, THAT PROBABLY WASN'T
WORTH INTERJECTING INTO THAT --
>> SO JEALOUS.
GREG: I KNOW.
>> IT WAS LIKE WHAT WERE YOU
DOING, JUST SITTING THERE EATING
PRINGLES.
YOU HAD QUESO, SITTING THERE IN
YOUR UNDERWEAR --
[LAUGHTER]
GREG: WHAT ARE YOUR GOING TO
WEAR WHEN YOU EAT PRINGLES?
>> KIND OF A SHEET SO YOU CAN
SCOOP UP THE CRUMBS.
GREG: EXACTLY.
ROB, WHAT DID YOU MAKE OF THE
WEEK?
TAKE YOUR PICK OF ANY ISSUE.
>> THE STATE OF THE UNION, I
THOUGHT -- THE HEARTBREAKING
THING ABOUT IT WAS IT WAS REALLY
GOOD.
SO YOU THINK ABOUT TRUMP, YOU
CAN DO THIS IF YOU WANT TO.
YOU CAN GIVE A SPEECH THAT'S
SENTIMENTAL --
>> PATRIOTIC.
YOU CAN ACTUALLY BE THE CHILL,
TOGETHER, EMOTIONALLY STABLE
PERSON --
[LAUGHTER]
SO LET'S JUST DO MORE OF THAT,
RIGHT?
THE BRILLIANT THING IS YOU COULD
HEAR THE DEMOCRATS IN THE
AUDIENCE SAYING, THE HELL IT
WILL.
[LAUGHTER]
HE GOT THEM SO WIRED --
GREGG: YES.
>> THEY ARRIVED TO THAT THING.
YOU EVER MAKE A CALL TO THE
CABLE COMPANY AND YOU'RE
PRE-IRRITATED?
>> YES.
>> YOU'RE SOD MAD, AND YOU'RE
CALLING, AND YOU JUST KNOW THAT
YOU'RE GOING TO YELL.
AND THEN THE PERSON ON THE OTHER
END OF THE LINE SOLVES YOUR
PROBLEM IN TWO MINUTES, BUT
YOU'RE STILL REALLY MAD?
[LAUGHTER]
THAT WAS THE DEMOCRATIC CAUCUS
IN THAT ROOM.
GREG: THE VILLAIN WASN'T WHAT HE
WAS CRACKED UP TO BE.
YEAH, THEY JUST HAD TO LOOK AT
HIM AND FROWN.
KAT, IS IT POSSIBLE FOR
COMPROMISE IF IT DOESN'T SERVE
THE INTERESTS OF THE MEDIA?
>> NO, I DON'T THINK COMPROMISE
IS GOING TO HAPPEN.
GREG: NO?
>> NO.
THERE ARE THINGS THAT PEOPLE
SHOULD HAVE BEEN DELIGHTED
ABOUT.
FOR EXAMPLE, SITTING THERE WE
HAD MATTHEW CHARLES, ALICE MARIE
JOHNSON WHO ARE FREE NOW BECAUSE
OF TRUMP.
GREG: RIGHT, YES.
>> AND ONLY BECAUSE OF TRUMP.
BECAUSE I READ ABOUT IT AND THAT
IS HOW PARDONS WORK --
[LAUGHTER]
SPECIAL REPORT, AGAIN, I BRING
IT BACK.
IT'S WONDERFUL THERE'S SO MANY
PEOPLE IN PRISON WHO ARE,
SHOULDN'T BE THERE, THEY'RE
THERE FOR TOO LONG, AND THERE'S
THREE OF THEM THAT ARE FREE NOW.
EVERYONE SHOULD HAVE BEEN SAYING
HOW AMAZING THAT WAS.
THERE'S A LOT OF THINGS.
LOW UNEMPLOYMENT, COULD HAVE
CLAPPED FOR THAT, BUT THEY WERE
SO MAD BECAUSE THEY DON'T WANT
HIM TO DO ANYTHING RIGHT, AND I
DON'T SEE HOW COMPROMISE WOULD
BE POSSIBLE.
UNFORTUNATELY.
GREG: WHAT ABOUT YOU, TYRUS?
>> YOU KNOW WHAT?
I ENJOYED -- MY FAVORITE PART
WAS WHEN BUZZ ALDRIN WAS ON
THERE, AND THERE WAS A USA
CHANT.
THE WHOLE ROOM WAS CHANTING USA
FOR, LIKE, SIX SECONDS WE WERE A
UNITED COUNTRY.
[LAUGHTER]
GREG: YES.
>> YEAH, I'M GLAD --
>> ETCH WAS USA!
IT WASN'T LIKE HALF THE ROOM
GOING USA, NOT ON MY WATCH.
EVEN WAS INVOLVED.
SO AT THAT MOMENT IT WAS LIKE,
WOW, WE CAN BE UNIFIED.
>> THAT'S SUCH A LOW BAR THOUGH.
OH, I'M GLAD OUR COUNTRY LIKES
OUR COUNTRY.
[LAUGHTER]
>> WHAT WORLD HAVE YOU BEEN
LIVING IN, BECAUSE OUR COUNTRY
DISLIKES OUR COUNTRY IMMENSELY.
SO THE FACT THAT THEY WERE ABLE
TO COME TOGETHER ON, KIDS, HOW C
TO COME TOGETHER ON, KIDS, HOW N
TO COME TOGETHER ON, KIDS, HOW S
SIGNIFICANTS? -- CONSONANTS AND
A VOWEL.
THAT WAS IT.
GREG: AND THE HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
>> AND THE OTHER PART, IF I
COULD GET THERE, GREG AND KAT,
DAMN!
[LAUGHTER]
IT'S SO BAD BETWEEN THE -- THIS
WAS MY POINT BEFORE I WAS
INTERRUPTED.
THE RESPONSE FROM THE DEMOCRATS
WAS PRERECORDED.
GREG: YES, IT WAS.
>> WHICH MEANS EVEN A RESPONSE
TO A SPEECH THEY'VE ALREADY MADE
UP THEIR MIND HELL NO, SO SO
THEY PREIF RECORD IT SO THEY
COULD ALL GO TO CHILES AND ENJOY
QUESO.
THAT WAS PROBABLY THE FIRST TIME
IN A LONG TIME WE'VE SEEN BOTH
SIDES DO SOMETHING UNIFYING.
GREG: IT'S A GOOD POINT.
IT WAS PREWRITTEN, AND SHE
DIDN'T EVEN WATCH THE SPEECH, DO
YOU KNOW THAT?