>> Stephen: JON BATISTE AND STAY HUMAN, EVERYBODY!
SAY HI TO THE BAND.
WHAT'S UP, MY FRIEND?
GOOD TO SEE YOU!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) YOU KNOW, I DON'T KNOW WHERE YOU
GUYS GET YOUR NEWS OUT THERE, BUT I LOVE-- I LOVE THE "USA
TODAY."
IT'S GOT ALL THIS COLOR AND EVERYTHING.
I GET HOME DELIVERY OF THE "USA TODAY" BECAUSE IT MAKES ME FEEL
LIKE I LIVE IN AN EMBASSY SUITES.
AND I LOVE TODAY'S HEADLINES.
IT SAYS, "10 DAYS.
20 EXECUTIVE ORDERS."
OKAY.
HE'S PULLED OUT OF TRADE DEALS, APPROVED THE BORDER WALL,
REVIVED THE KEYSTONE PIPELINE.
I JUST GOT TO IMAGINE, THOUGH, AFTER 10 DAYS AND 20 ORDERS,
HE'S GOT TO BE DONE, RIGHT.
THERE CAN'T BE ANY MORE OF THESE EXECUTIVE ORDERS.
>> HE'S GOT MORE, HE'S GOT MORE.
TRUST ME, HE'S GOT MORE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) HE'S GOT MORE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).
>> Stephen: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, JON STEWART.
JON STEWART, EVERYBODY.
SO GOOD, SO GOOD.
THANK YOU.
JON, PLEASE, PLEASE, JOIN US.
JON STEWART, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THANK YOU.
JON, I HAVE TO SAY -- >> THANK YOU SO MUCH!
THANK YOU!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THANK YOU!
>> Stephen: JON, I HAVE TO SAY-- I-- I LOVE YOUR OUTFIT.
IS THIS-- IS THIS-- IS THIS YOUR DONALD TRUMP IMPRESSION?
>> I THOUGHT THIS IS HOW MEN DRESSED NOW.
I THOUGHT THIS IS-- THE PRESIDENT SETS MEN'S FASHION.
AND I SAW THE INAUGURATION-- SUPER-LONG TIE, DEAD ANIMAL ON
HEAD, BOOM!
( LAUGHTER ) BOOM!
DONE!
BOOM!
>> Stephen: IT'S A GOOD LOOK.
YOU ROCK IT.
YOU ROCK THE LOOK, JON.
>> NO, IT'S THE BEST.
IT'S THE BEST.
>> Stephen: WELL, JON, YOU KNOW, YOU KNOW IT'S ALWAYS A
PLEASURE TO HAVE YOU STOP BY.
IS... IS THERE ANYTHING I CAN DO FOR YOU, JON?
>> HE HAS MORE EXECUTIVE ORDERS.
YOU WERE TALKING ABOUT PRESIDENT TRUMP, EXECUTIVE ORDERS.
>> Stephen: OH, THAT'S RIGHT.
>> HE HAS MORE AND I HAVE THEM.
>> Stephen: WAIRKT YOU SAY YOU HAVE--
>> I'VE GOT -- >> Stephen: YOU HAVE TRUMP'S
EXECUTIVE ORDERS.
>> WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO READ SOME?
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: WILL THE PILE--
THE PILE OF PROPS BEHIND MY DESK?
>> LEFT THEM RIGHT BEHIND YOUR DESK.
>> Stephen: I DIDN'T EVEN SEE THEM BEFORE.
I APOLOGIZE.
>> I DON'T KNOW IF YOU KNOW THIS.
I SLEEP HERE.
>> Stephen: OH, THAT'S RIGHT.
YOU'RE HOMELESS NOW.
>> I'M HOMELESS NOW.
>> Stephen: THAT YOU'RE NO LONGER ON CABLE.
>> THAT'S RIGHT.
>> Stephen: THIS RIGHT HERE, THIS RIGHT HERE--
HERE -- >> Stephen: THIS IS ONE OF HIS
EXECUTIVE ORDERS.
NUMBER ONE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: JON, IS THIS-- IS
THIS ONE OF THE RESCUE ANIMALS FROM THE FARM?
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
HE LOOKS SO HAPPY.
>> I REALLY THOUGHT FOR A SECOND HE WAS TRYING TO CLIMB DOWN.
>> Stephen: PLEASE, DO GO ON.
NUMBER ONE-- PEOPLE, THIS NATION IS IN CRISIS.
THIS IS SERIOUS.
>> Stephen: ALL RIGHT, PLEASE, EXECUTIVE ORDER NUMBER ONE.
EXECUTIVE ORDER NUMBER ONE: "BY THE AUTHORITY VESTED IN ME BY
THE CONSTITUTION, I, DONALD J.
JONAH JAMESON TRUMP, HEREBY DIRECT THAT, TO SECURE OUR
BORDER, CHINA-- CHINA, SHALL IMMEDIATELY
AND WITHOUT HESITATION SEND US THEIR WALL.
DONE."
BOOM.
DONE, BOOM.
>> Stephen: I UNDERSTAND, I HEARD--
>> CHINA'S WALL, SENT TOWRKS BOOM!
>> Stephen: I HEARD THE BOOM.
>> DONE!
>> Stephen: I HEARD THE DONE.
>> Stephen: HOW THEN DO WE GET MEXICO TO PAY FOR IT?
>> THIS IS THE GENIUS, STEPHEN.
WHEN THE WALL ARRIVES AT THE SOUTHERN BORDER, WE SHUT THE
LIGHTS AND PRETEND WE'RE NOT HOME.
IT'S C.O.D.
MEXICO HAS TO SIGN FOR IT.
DONE."
BOOM.
FOR EDITING PURPOSES WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO WITH THIS.
>> Stephen: LEAVE IT RIGHT THERE.
>> IT'S WAY TOO LONG AND YOU'RE GOING TO EDIT IT.
>> Stephen: IS IT TOO LONG.
>> Audience: NO!
>> Stephen: WILL MAKE IT LONGER?
KEEP THE HAT ON.
>> NO, NO.
>> Stephen: THE HAT COMES OFF.
>> IF YOU SAY CONTINUITY DOESN'T MATTER, (BLEEP) THE WHOLE THING.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: WHAT IS THIS?
WHAT IS THIS?
>> THIS NEXT ENCYCLICAL-- >> Stephen: ENCYCLICAL, JON.
>> I DO PRONOUNCE AMERICA FINALLY HAS AN OFFICIAL
LANGUAGE.
>> Stephen: AND I ASSUME THAT'S ENGLISH.
>> NO, THE NEW OFFICIAL LANGUAGE OF THE UNITED STATES IS (BLEEP).
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> I, DONALD J. TRUMP, HAVE
INSTRUCTED MY STAFF TO SPEAK ONLY IN (BLEEP).
AND, BY THE WAY, NONE OF THAT, 'SURE, I'LL SPEAK (BLEEP) AT
WORK, BUT AT HOME I'LL USE FACTS AND REAL INFORMATION.'
NO.
(BLEEP) ALL THE TIME.
IMMERSION-- IT'S THE ONLY WAY TO BE FLUENT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: NOW, JON, I JUST
WANT TO POINT OUT, I HOLD IN MY HAND THE LAST EXECUTIVE ORDER.
>> OH, NO FROM THE DESK OF DONALD J. TRUMP.
HOLD ON.
MMM.
I WONDER WHAT IT SAYS?
>> Stephen: SIS, BOOM, BAH.
>> THAT WOULD HAVE KILLED AT THE UNITED NATIONS NATIONAL ASSEMBLY
IN 1977.
>> Stephen: THIS IS THE LAST.
YOU HOLD IN YOUR HAND THE VERY LAST.
>> THIS IS THE LAST ONE.
ARE YOU READY FOR THE FINAL DONALD J. TRUMP EXECUTIVE ORDER.
>> Stephen: SIT DOWN.
NOW, BACK, DOWN, DOWN.
DOWN, BOY!
OH!
IT'S A CLIP-ON.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
IT'S-- IT'S A (BLEEP) CLIP-ON.
WHERE IS THE MIC?
>> LET ME SAY SOMETHING.
THIS IS FOR BUDGETARY PURPOSES.
NECESSARY THE NEW TRUMP WHITE HOUSE'S FISCALLY SOUND-- THAT'S
IN MY-- OH, BOY!
>> Stephen: AND THE LAST EXECUTIVE ORDER IS.
>> MAY I READ THE LAST EXECUTIVE ORDER.
>> Stephen: YES, YOU MAY.
>> "I, DONALD J. TRUMP, DO DECLARE BY EXECUTIVE ORDER THAT
I, DONALD J. TRUMP, AM EXHAUSTING.
IT HAS BEEN 11 DAYS, STEPHEN.
11 (BLEEP) DAYS.
11!
THE PRESIDENCY IS SUPPOSED TO AGE THE PRESIDENT, NOT THE
PUBLIC!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) AND THE REASON-- THIS IS--
THE REASON THAT I, DONALD J.
TRUMP-- THI THIS IS HIS WORDS-- THE REASON THAT I, DONALD J.
TRUMP, AM EXHAUSTING, IS THAT EVERY INSTINCT AND FIBER OF MY
PATHOLOGICAL SELF-REGARD CALLS ME TO ABUSE OF POWER.
I WANT-- I, DONALD J. TRUMP, WANT-- 92, DESERVE, NOT JUST
YOUR RESPECT, BUT YOUR ADMIRATION.
PARADES WITH THE TANKS AND THE SYNCHRONIZED DANCING.
AND WHY CAN'T THEY TRAIN 10,000 DOVES TO SPELL OUT 'TRUMP' IN
THE CLOUDS?
HOW HARD CAN IT BE?
THEY'RE ALREADY FLYING!
I, DONALD J. TRUMP, AM EXHAUSTING BECAUSE IT IS GOING
TO TAKE RELENTLESS STAMINA, VIGILANCE, AND EVERY
INSTITUTIONAL CHECK AND BALANCE THIS GREAT COUNTRY CAN MUSTER TO
KEEP ME, DONALD J. TRUMP, FROM GOING FULL PALPATINE, WITH THE
LIGHTNING COMING OUT OF THE FINGERTIPS.
YES, FEAR LEADS TO ANGER.
ANGER LEADS TO HATE.
WE HAVE NEVER FACED THIS PERFECT.
FORFUL VINDICTIVE CHAOS.
BUT PERHAPS THEREIN LIES THE SAVING GRACE OF I, DONALD J.
TRUMP'S PRESIDENCY.
ALL ACTION WILL BE NECESSARY.
AN IF WE DO NOT ALLOW DONALD TRUMP
TO EXHAUST OUR FIGHT AND SOMEHOW COME THROUGH THIS PRESIDENCY
CALAMITIY-LESS, AND CONSTITUTIONALLY INTACT,
THEN I, DONALD J. TRUMP, WILL HAVE DEMONSTRATED THE GREATNESS
OF AMERICA, JUST NOT THE WAY I THOUGHT I WOULD."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: JON STEWART,
EVERYBODY!
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH JOSH GROBAN!
WHO WAS THAT?