- Let me paint the picture.
You know, they came to the airport, naked.
My life rocks!
Let em' go devil, take me instead!
[Crowd Laughing]
My parents immigrants came with no money, no money,
not this welfare thing. That's nothing.
Welfare's luxury. Huh?
It's like, I'm on welfare.
You are rich.
[Audience Laughs]
You know they came to the airport naked.
(imitates African accent)
They're like, can we get on the plane?
I don't want to show you what my passport is.
(in normal voice) Forreal!
I can't even compare. (laughs)
Go on laugh it up.
I can't even compare financial struggles with my father.
I can't go--
"Dad I can't get these new Nike's,
I don't have enough money."
(in African accent)
You don't have enough money for your new Nike's when I was
your age,
we didn't have feet.
(in normal voice) "But I want to get some Pumas."
(in African accent) Pumas.
When I was your age, we had to chase it.
But I couldn't. Cause I don't have feet.
(in normal voice)
I went to Africa to see my grandparents.
Nigeria was nice you you know.
And it's so funny how they show Africans naked, you know,
the way they do it, just the way they do it.
It's so, you know, "Hey look at the Africans!"
"Look close." "
The poor Africans."
Do you know how hot it is in Africa?
Have you been there?
The sun is like right here.
The sun is like, (in African accent)
"Hi I am the sun, what is your name?"
Like 2000 degrees right here.
(audience laughs)
(laughs)
Oh man, my father is wonderful.
My parents were married 36 years.
They celebrated their 36th anniversary. October 1st.
Yes they did! I love my parents!
I love them to death!
But my father, you know, he's about this tall.
No, he's not that tall.
He's like a little action figure, but he has a strong voice,
a powerful voice.
Like my friends call my parents house in Chicago and my
father picks up the phone.
They think they're talking to the Lion King.
Like "Uh, can I speak be Godfrey?"
(deep voice) "Godfrey's not here."
Mufasa?!
(audience laughs)
You're still alive!
- It's really great to be in New York right now. It is,
this is a terrific city,
but it does not hold a candle to Amsterdam.
I went to Amsterdam last year. Has anyone ever been there?
Oh man. I was like Templeton, the rat in Charlotte's web,
just running around.
Oh hookers and pot!
It was unbelievable.
And being like a typical American jackass,
I decided to go to the coffee shops and get a little
marijuana because that's what Americans do.
So, um and I was like Goldie locks. I was so selective,
this shop's to new wave, this one's to reggae.
And I found the perfect shop.
It was called the dolphin on the Kaiser strike. You know,
I knew it was perfect.
Cause the mixed tape when I went in Supergrass Elvis
Costello and the Beastie boys, the Holy triumvirate.
So, now the story that I'm about to tell is true.
This all happened and I wish it didn't cause it sounds fake,
but this all happened the way I'm about to describe it.
It sounds very Zemeckis, but it's real.
And keep in mind that it's 4:30 in the afternoon when
this happens, which meant it was 8:30 in the morning,
back in Los Angeles. So please keep that in mind.
So I go in and I asked to see the pot menu.
Now, when you go into the coffee shops,
and you want to see the pot menu;
They either bring out a three ring binder with them all in
pockets or in this case she brought out this tackle box that
she opened like a flower of joy.
(audience laughs)
And so I'm looking at all these and I'm trying to be all
Derek Flint, Matt helm, international, cool.
Like Tie looks a little shaggy. I don't know. Yeah.
Course inside I'm like ahhh! Wooooo!
So finally I say, look I'm not gonna do
anything for the next couple of days.
So just give me something that's going to get right on top
of my booboo.
And she said, "you want the white widow from Afghanistan."
So I go, yeah, I'll take the white widow.
Now she should have warned me though.
The best marijuana you smoke in the United States,
you may as well be smoking shoelaces compared to the stuff
they have over there. And the bud,
she selected for me left its parents on Krypton. Alright.
So she starts--
Making, like-- she goes, "I can put it in a cookie,
I can make tea, or I can roll you a joint."
And I said, "You can roll me a joint."
- So she. Starts rolling this joint and
to give you an idea of the care and concern and,
craftsmanship that went into my joint just as she began
rolling it.
Queens, 'We are the champions" started playing
on the mixtape.
That's what started playing!
It took her the entire song to roll it.
The entire song! She was taken out stems and seeds,
oh rolling it so nice Hi. And so she's like rolling it.
And then she starts to like licking it.
Oh! To seal it looking right at me. I'm like
(speaking gibberish)
- And.
- It's 4:30 in the afternoon in Amsterdam,
which meant it was 8:30 in the morning, back in LA.
If I had kept my writing job on the sketch show I used to be
on, I would just then be waking up
to go in and pitch sketches that I don't want to write.
Like I don't know how about midnight in the olive garden of
good and evil?
What come on! Instead I'm in Amsterdam in a coffee shop
with this blonde Nordic giantess is carefully licking,
my joint closed while
Queens, "We Are The Champions" plays on the mixtape.
My life rocked!
For a minute!
- So I'm gonna let you in on a little Retta information.
You know what gives me a rush? Methamphetamines.
(Laughs)
Barbiturates. I'm kidding.
No, I love when I get a piece of mail,
and above my name, it says "you've already been approved".
(sighs softly)
I am telling you preapproval; Is that not such sweet,
sweet Serendipity?
For me that's like the perfect hit.
Ya know? Cause I get that natural high.
You know,
I liken it to that feeling you get when you find an
anonymous love letter, or an unexpected
Valentine's day card, you know that feeling of
♪ I'm special! ♪ ♪ I'm wanted ♪
I'm much to my dismay,
I am wanted by several collection agencies.
(laughs nervously)
Yeah. Mm hmm.
Unfortunately Citibank wants me to give their money back.
So as one might suspect after approval comes denial.
Let me paint the picture.
You know when you're going out to dinner and after the meal,
you have the low battle for the check.
You know what I'm talking about? Like, "I got it."
"No, no, no, no, girl, I got it."
"No, No, girl you got it last time."
No but you paid for the movies of their freshmen.
So I'm like, "nah I'll but I owe you for your birthday."
And she's like, "Oh that's right, you got it, you pay."
And your like, Damn!
(audience laughs)
You know?
Cause you thought she put up more of a fight.
So, but that's okay because you won, or did you?
(audience laughs)
you hand the waitress, your card and just as she walks off,
you get that sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach,
cause you can't remember the last time you made a payment
on that card.
You know what I'm sayin'? Or even worse,
You remember the last time you tried to make a payment on
that card.
Cause the bank sent you a lil note that said yo funds was
insufficient.
So now you're sweating.
You can't concentrate on the conversation at the table,
cause you're steady watching her try to run your card.
And then it happens. The thing you feared the most,
she tries to run your card again. O
oh... And for just a moment you think,
maybe it's the strip. (laughs)
But it ain't the strip. (laughs)
Her efforts are futile is what I'm saying.
- I think I try to impress women too much.
That's a big problem I got.
I do.
I really do. Try to impress women way too much.
Like I went out and bought a big ass truck just to impress
women. You know?
Did you go to, everybody looks tall and a truck.
Did you know that?
I didn't know that I had to find out the hard way, you know?
Cause I liked the flirt and one day I was at the stop light
and I saw this girl. I was like, damn baby, you look good.
Why don't you pull over? Let me talk to you for a second.
She's like, alright. He kind of cute.
Her and her girlfriend high five.(makes slap sound effect)
They was happy. You know?
She's like, alright, well get out, come talk to me.
Now I can't get out my truck. You know.
I gotta jump out, right.
(audience laughs and claps)
What was bad is that when I jumped out,
I didn't have a good land. Then I stumbled a little bit.
And all I heard was, Oh my God, he doesn't have any knees.
And they just pulled off.
(audience laughs and claps)
My face, hit the side of the door.
I was like, I got knees.
I just--
I'm holding them up. Look, I swear to God.
It was a bad jump. I didn't stick it.
You know in gymnastics, you, you don't move.
She didn't like that too much.
I think if I was tougher, I would have better luck.
Cause for some reason, women like tough guys, you know?
They're like tough guys. Not that tough, man.
I'm not.
Like for some reason, women don't feel safe with me.
You know? I'll tell you kind of a big guy.
If a woman sees you, she said,
Oh I can't wait if something happens,
I know I can just grab you and we'll be safe.
It's not really the same with me. You know?
It was like, if something happened,
we should both get the hell out of here.
We should just run, that's all.
You know what, you're right. Yeah, we should.
Tell you what, I hope you fast cause I am.
Imma get the hell out
(audience laughs)
I'm just not tough enough man. I'm not.
You know why I think I'm not that tough. Cause my mom,
my mom was real religious. You know,
my mom was strict bringing me up; because of that
I'm a sweet lil kid.
I'm a mama's boy. I really am.
The thing is my mom is over religious.
Gosh, she's over religious.
You ever meet somebody that's over religious?
Talk about God all the time or blame everything on the
devil. You know, that's my mom.
Everything is a devil's fault. You know baby daddy,
ain't nothing but the devil that's the damn devil baby.
That's all that is.
And it's like,
it's at the point now where you can't have a conversation
with this woman because you say something she don't agree
with. She made it seem like it's not you talking.
It's the devil. You know?
And I had to explain to her, I was like, Ma,
you gotta understand. I'm older now I got my own opinion.
Okay. I'm not gonna agree with everything you say.
Sometimes I'm going to think what I want to think.
And I know when she started yelling, she was like,
let him go devil! What?
What you talking about?
Let them go devil, take me instead!
What are you talkin' about? This ain't no devil.
Yes it is, my baby would never talk to me like that!
And she started flicking Holy water at me, right?
Just like.
And when she flicked the Holy water,
I got mad and cursed. I was like, Ma, you know,
this is bullshit. (bleep sound) I'm leaving.
And She flicked some more and it got in my eye.
And when it got my eye, it start stingin'.
I was like, Oh my God, it's sting!
I might be the devil. You know? I was like "Aah"
(audience laughs and claps)
She's like, boy you ain't no devil.
That's bleach. Don't you have a curse at me.
I'll beat your lil ass in this house.
(audience cheers)