LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WELCOME BACK.
WELCOME BACK TO MORE OF OUR MONOLOGUE TONIGHT.
THE DEMOCRATS, IF YOU'RE JUST JOINING US, WE ARE LEAVE BECAUSE
THE DEMOCRATS HELD A DEBATE AT ATLANTA'S TYLER PERRY STUDIOS
TONIGHT.
WHICH EXPLAINS WHY HALF OF THE CANDIDATES WERE PLAYED BY MADEA.
( LAUGHTER )
CELEBRATING HIS 77th BIRTHDAY TODAY.
BUT IT WAS A TOUGH NIGHT FOR THE BIRTHDAY BOY.
BIDEN HAD A GAFFE BEFORE HE EVEN HIT THE STAGE.
HE EVIDENTALLY SENT HIS SUPPORTERS HIS POST-DEBATE
FUNDRAISING EMAIL EIGHT HOURS TOO EARLY, AT 3:00 TODAY, SAYING
"I'M LEAVING THE FIFTH DEMOCRATIC DEBATE NOW.
I HOPE I MADE YOU PROUD OUT THERE, AND I HOPE I MADE IT
CLEAR TO THE WORLD WHY OUR.
CAMPAIGN IS SO IMPORTANT."
NO, JOE!
THE DEBATE HADN'T HAPPENED-- OH.
HOLD ON, WE'RE GETTING ANOTHER PREMATURE EMAIL FROM JOE.
"I JUST WON THE ELECTION!
I'M LEAVING MY INAUGURATION NOW!
GOING TO ASK MAE WEST TO BE MY SECRETARY OF DEFENSE.
COME UP AND SEE ME SOME TIME."
DID WE MAKE UP THAT?
OKAY.
NOW, ONCE THE DEBATE KICKED OFF, AMY KLOBUCHAR GOT THINGS STARTED
BY QUOTING FROM HISTORY.
>> I WAS THINKING ABOUT THIS WHEN I WAS AT THE CARTER
PRESIDENTIAL MUSEUM, AND ON THE WALL ARE ETCHED THE WORDS OF
WALTER MONDALE.
>> Stephen: WOW.
CARTER AND MONDALE?
REALLY REACHING FOR THE STARS.
(AS KLOBUCHAR) "IN THE IMMORTAL WORDS OF
MICHAEL DUKAKIS, QUOTING GEORGE McGOVERN AND CRYSTAL PEPSI:
LET'S ALL HOP ON THE HINDENBERG AND ROOT FOR THE NEW YORK JETS!"
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THEN SENATOR SANDERS EMPHASIZED HIS COLLEAGUES' ABILITY TO
MULTITASK.
>> THE CONGRESS CAN WALK AND CHEW BUBBLE GUM AT THE SAME
TIME.
>> Stephen: (AS SANDERS) "IN FACT, HERE'S A NICKEL, TREAT
YOURSELF TO A PACK OF BUBBLE GUM.
YOU CAN USE WHATEVER'S LEFT OVER TO HOP ON A TROLLEY AND GO SEE
ONE OF THOSE NEW TALKIES."
NOW-- TAKE TTAKE IT, GO!
GET OUT OF HERE, KID.
YOU BOTHER ME."
ALL THE CANDIDATES WERE EAGER TO DELIVER THE SOUNDBITE, INCLUDING
KAMALA HARRIS: >> I BELIEVE WHAT OUR NATION
NEEDS RIGHT NOW IS A NOMINEE WHO CAN SPEAK TO ALL PEOPLE.
I SPENT MY ENTIRE CAREER STANDING MOSTLY IN A COURTROOM
SPEAKING FIVE WORDS.
>> Stephen: (AS HARRIS) "I WAS THAT LITTLE GIRL!"
NOTHING?
THAT WAS REALLY BIG AT THE FIRST DEBATE.
ANYTHING?
NO.
AMY KLOBUCHAR HAD THE FIRST LAUGH OF THE NIGHT:
>> MY FIRST SENATE RACE, I LITERALLY CALLED EVERYONE I
KNEW, AND I SET WHAT IS STILL AN ALL-TIME SENATE RECORD.
I RAISED $17,000 FROM EX-BOYFRIENDS.
>> Stephen: THAT'S-- THAT'S PRETTY IMPRESSIVE.
I'M SURE YOU DIDN'T MEAN IT THIS WAY, BUT TECHNICALLY, IF THEY'RE
GIVING YOU CASH, THEY'RE NOT CALLED BOYFRIENDS.
SHE DIDN'T MEAN THAT!
ANDREW YANG WORE A PIN THAT SAID "MATH," WHICH STANDS FOR.
"MAKE AMERICA THINK HARDER."
BUT I SAY, WE CAN THINK BIGGER.
WHY NOT "MAKE EVERYBODY THINK HARDER?"
>> Jon: COME ON!
COM!
>> Stephen: NOW, AMERICA'S FAVORITE MAYOR-- AMERICA'S
FAVORITE MAYOR, PETE BUTTIGIEG, DISTANCED HIMSELF FROM THE OTHER
CANDIDATES ON THE STAGE.
>> I NEVER THOUGHT I'D BE ON A "FORBES" MAGAZINE LIST, BUT
THEY DID ONE OF ALL THE CANDIDATES BY WEALTH, AND I
AM, LITERALLY, THE LEAST WEALTHY PERSON ON THIS STAGE.
>> Stephen: ADDING, (AS PETE) "POINT IS, I REALLY NEED THAT
$1,000 A MONTH.
ANDREW YANG 2020!" CAN I GET AN ADVANCE?
THEN, AMY KLOBUCHAR OFFERED UP A PRIME ARGUMENT FOR A FEMALE
PRESIDENT: >> IF YOU DON'T THINK A WOMAN
CAN BEAT DONALD TRUMP, NANCY PELOSI DOES IT EVERY SINGLE.
DAY.
>> Stephen: YES, YES, SHE DOES.
( APPLAUSE )
SHE'LL BE PRESIDENT BY SPRING.
NOW, TOM STEYER MADE A PASSIONATE APPEAL FOR AFFORDABLE
HOUSING: >> WHEN YOU LOOK AT INEQUALITY
IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA, YOU HAVE TO START WITH HOUSING.
WHERE YOU PUT YOUR HEAD AT NIGHT DETERMINES SO MANY THINGS ABOUT
YOUR LIFE.
>> Stephen: THAT'S TRUE.
FOR INSTANCE, EVERY NIGHT, DEVIN NUNES PUTS HIS HEAD RIGHT UP
DONALD TRUMP'S KEISTER.
( APPLAUSE )
THINGS ABOUT ALL OF OUR LIVES.
NOW MOVING ON TO THE SUBJECT OF INTERNATIONAL RELATIONS, JOE
BIDEN POINTED OUT THAT HE DOESN'T HAVE ANY FANS IN NORTH
KOREA.
>> KIM JONG-UN, WHO IS A THUG-- ALTHOUGHT, HE POINTS OUT I'M A
RABID DOG AND NEED TO BE BEATEN WITH A STICK.
>> Stephen: ARE YOU SURE YOU WANT TO SAY "POINTS OUT?"
SOUNDS LIKE YOU AGREE WITH KIM JONG-UN.
(AS BIDEN) "TO QUOTE TEDDY ROOSEVELT:
'SPEAK SOFTLY, AND I NEED TO BE BEATEN WITH A STICK.'"
THEN JOE BIDEN EMPHASIZED THE IMPORTANCE OF ENDING VIOLENCE
AGAINST WOMEN, BUT WITH A REALLY REALLY POOR CHOICE OF WORDS.
>> SO WE HAVE TO JUST CHANGE THE CULTURE, PERIOD, AND KEEP
PUNCHING AT IT AND PUNCHING AT IT AND PUNCHING AT IT.
>> Stephen: (AS BIDEN) "WE'VE GOT TO CHAIN UP THAT
RACISM!
AND WE'VE GOT TO STUFF THAT HOMOPHOBIA BACK INTO THE
CLOSET!
COME ON!
COME AT ME!
COME AT ME, BRO!"
THEN CORY BOOKER HAD A LITTLE FUN WHEN HE LIT UP JOE BIDEN.
>> I HAVE A LOT OF RESPECT FOR THE VICE PRESIDENT.
HE IS-- SWORE ME INTO MY OFFICE.
HE'S A HERO.
THIS WEEK I HEAR HIM LITERALLY SAY THAT "I DON'T THINK WE
SHOULD LEGALIZE MARIJUANA."
I THOUGHT YOU MIGHT HAVE BEEN HIGH WHEN YOU SAID IT.
( LAUGHTER )
"WHY?
DO I LOOK HIGH?
CAN YOU TELL?
I FEEL LIKE EVERYONE CAN TELL!"
"ARE YOU A COP?
YOU HAVE TO TELL ME IF YOU'RE A COP.
YOU GOING TO FINISH THAT?
ARE YOU GONNA-- COULD I?"
THEN BIDEN TRIED TO BRAG ABOUT HIS APPEAL TO AFRICAN AMERICANS.
>> I COME OUT OF THE BLACK COMMUNITY IN TERMS OF MY
SUPPORT.
>> Stephen: (AS BIDEN) "BUT I COME OUT OF THE WHITE
COMMUNITY IN TERMS OF MY CONFIDENCE TO SAY THAT."
NOW, UNFORTUNATELY, BIDEN KEPT ON JOE-ING:
>> THREE FORMER CHAIRS OF THE BLACK CAUCUS, THE ONLY BL--
AFRICAN AMERICAN WOMAN WHO'S EVER BEEN ELECTED TO THE
UNITED STATES SENATE-- A WHOLE RANGE OF PEOPLE.
>> THAT'S NOT TRUE.
>> THE OTHER ONE IS HERE.
(LAUGHING) >> MY POINT IS--
>> Stephen: (AS BIDEN) "MY POINT IS, I WAS ALSO
ENDORSED BY ROSA PARKS, SOJOURNER TRUTH AND BLACK
PANTHER HIMSELF.
WAKANDA FOREVER!"
WAKANDA FOREVER!
YOU KNOW SOMEWHERE OUT THERE DONALD TRUMP IS GOING:
"OH MY GOD, I CAN'T BELIEVE I RISKED IMPEACHMENT OVER JOE.
SOMEONE PLEASE TELL ME THERE'S A HUNTER BUTTIGIEG."
DON'T GO AWAY, FOLKS.
WHEN WE COME BACK, I'LL BE IN NEW ZEALAND, PLAYING RUGBY WITH
NEW ZEALAND'S ALL BLACKS.