-♪ Hashtags ♪
[ Cheering and applause ] ♪♪
-Now, I thought I'd share some of my favorite
#WorstFirstDate stories from you guys.
This first one's from @jordancoen2u.
She says...
[ Laughter and applause ]
-[ Sniff, chuckle ]
-This one's from @annabanana0626. -Aww.
She says...
[ Laughter and applause ]
"Mercedes-Benz. I kind of like it."
-Yeah. -Who's car is this?!
[ Laughter ]
-"I'll wait!"
[ Laughter ]
-This one's from @foreversmiling2.
-Aww. -She says...
[ Laughter and applause ] "Thirteen rolls of sushi."
Ah, whatever you say.
Bring 'em. Keep bringing 'em.
[ Laughter and applause ]
"I've been here before."
-This one's from @snooki-cookie16.
[ Laughter ] -snooki-cookie.
-She says...
[ Laughter and applause ]
Puppy trumpet.
-Puppy trumpet?
Ugh!
What a garbage person.
God!
[ Laughter ] Oh.
-Yeah, man. -"My puppy trumpet, man"
[ Laughter ] -That's at the end of the night.
-He ended the date right there. -Ugh!
-The old puppy trumpet, yeah.
[ Laughter ]
-This one's from @Hotovy. He says...
[ Laughter and applause ]
Never going to win, dude. -They're married.
-You're never going to win. He's married.
-He learned his lesson early. -Exactly, yeah.
-This one's from @PatrickAH81. He says...
[ Laughter and applause ]
-"I'm clean." -"It's not pee."
Alright, well, what is it? -It's a little bit of poop."
[ Laughter ]
-This one's from @lindachilders1. She said...
[ Ohhs, laughter, and applause ]
What?!
"I know you!" -Come on. That's fake!
That's fake. -Oh, my goodness.
This one's from @Mfonda. She says...
[ Laughter and applause ]
-He could've used a puppy trumpet.
[ Laughter and applause ] -That's what I use it for.
-Yeah, you got to get there. -That's what you use it for, year.
-Wow.
-This next one is from our very own Questlove.
-Oh.
[ Cheering and applause ]
-This is very interesting, here. He says,
"I had dinner with Rosario Dawson..."
-Ooh.
[ Laughter and applause ] [ Sad trombone plays ]
-That was it?
That was it?
That was it.
-It's only 280 characters.
I couldn't go on, so.
-Yeah, yeah.
Have you tried to date --
Do you want a second date, or no?
-I didn't get a second date, no.
[ Laughter ] -Rosario --
we got to bring this up when she comes on, alright?
[ Laughter ]
That's the greatest.
Tariq, you have a #WorstFirstDate story?
-No, all my first dates, they went swimmingly.
[ Laughter and applause ]
-This last one here is from -- -"Swimmingly.
Swimmingly."
[ Laughter and applause ]
-This last one here...
[ Laughter ]
...is from @Ash10-G. She says...
[ Laughter and applause ] -Ooh.
-There you have it. Those are our "Tonight Show" Hashtags!
To check out more of our favorites, go to...
[ Cheering and applause ] -♪ Hashtags ♪
♪♪
-Now, I thought I'd share some of my favorite
#HowIQuit tweets from you guys. Here we go.
This first one is from @NeilaRocks.
She says...
[ Laughter and applause ]
This one's from @KristenRose124.
She says...
Like --
[ Cheering and applause ]
"Party!" -Whoa!
[ Drumbeat ]
-"Let's go to the unemployment line!"
-"Come on! [ Laughter ]
Who's paying for this?"
-"Unemployment conga line."
[ Laughter ]
This one's from @jeremyraleyYG.
He says...
[ Laughter and applause ] That's how you quit.
-That's how you do it, yeah. -That's how you do it, right there.
[ Applause ]
-This one's from @therealrhicky.
He says...
[ Laughter and applause ]
Let me read that again.
I screwed it up.
I don't know what's going on. I have, like, a thing.
-You have a, like -- -I think phlegm or something.
Something's in the back of my throat.
Like, maybe I have acid reflux.
[ Laughter ]
-Maybe you have a little, uh, frog in your throat.
I hope you don't croak. -What is acid reflux?
Do you have it here? -I think it is in your foot.
[ Laughter ] -No. [ Clears throat ]
-Clear it out. -[ Sniffing ]
-Ohh! Go. I'll cover you. No one will know
what you're doing. I'll cover for you. -You'll cover me.
Do some sound effects that makes it --
[ Cymbal crashing ] -We don't need music.
-I'll cover. You won't be embarrassed,
'cause you're gonna hack up something.
They wont' hear it. Go. -Just give me
some sound effects, and then it'll cover up,
and no one will even know that I have it.
-Okay, good.
[ Imitating croaking ]
[ Laughter ]
[ Croaking continues ]
-That was perfect.
[ Cheering and applause ]
Thank you.
Alright. Let me do this right. Here we go.
What is that? -This is, um...
[ Laughter ]
...anti-ac-- like, anti-acid pill.
-Antacid? -If you have acid reflux.
-I feel like, acid up here?
No. Antacid is this, right?
-Yeah, but that's what acid reflux is,
is acid from your tummy that goes into your mouth.
-So, I'm gonna take this thing, and in the mean--
by the time the show's over, it's gonna work?
[ Laughter ]
Don't tell me the brand. I'm not selling out,
but just give me the antacid.
-I'm gonna give you one.
-This is just silly.
[ Laughter ]
[ Jazzy music plays ]
-Don't give it to me like it's illegal.
[ Laughter ] -I'm sorry, man.
-Do I chew it?
-Yeah, chew it.
[ Making farting noises ]
[ Laughter ]
-Okay. That's not gonna work at all.
But let's try it. -[ Blows raspberry ]
-I don't need any more sound effects.
Thank you very much. -Ready?
-[ Sniffs ]
[ Laughter ]
I feel like I'm getting like postnasal drip.
[ Laughter ]
What if I'm allergic to the antacid?
You didn't even ask me that.
You can't just give me drugs.
[ Laughter ]
Nonprescribed drugs!
I got to call my doctor, first!
Not funny, dude! What was that?
[ Laughter and applause ]
This one is from @therealrhicky.
-What does he have to say?
[ Laughter ]
What's he got going on?
-He says, uh --
[ Laughter ]
He says...
[ Cheering and applause ]
Pretty easy. -I don't know.
-This is from @Lea46Leah.
She says...
[ Laughter and applause ]
[ Smack! ]
"Can I get a do-over, please?
You can take this job and stick it!"
[ Smack! ]
Like someone punching him on the way out.
-It's a punching door.
-A cartoon punches him on the way out.
"I'm tired of this job! You understand me?!"
[ Smack! ]
[ Laughter and applause ]
He's getting punched.
-The cartoon is punching him. -"I'm back!"
[ Smack! ]
[ Laughter ]
[ Smack! ]
[ Laughter ]
-Oh.
[ Smack! ] You're too fast.
[ Laughter ]
[ Smack! ]
[ Laughter ]
[ Smack! ]
[ Smack! Smack! Smack! Smack! ] -Yeah! Yeah! Come on! Get him!
[ Smack! Smack! Smack! Smack! ] You can get him! Come on!
[ Smack! Smack! Smack! Smack! ]
[ Splat! ]
[ Rimshot ]
[ Cheering and applause ]
Oh, my gosh!
-"Alright, I guess I won't quit. I'll stay."
-You'll stay. -"I'll stay. I'm sorry I quit."
[ As Jimmy Stewart ] Uh, Har-Harvey, uh...
[ Laughter ]
...pushed me all the way out of the door.
[ Laughter ]
This one's from @sophiabaig.
She says...
-Yeah! Come on! -Got to pursue your dreams.
Got to follow your dream.
Oprah says so.
-Oprah says it. -Follow your dreams, man.
This one's from @whoopiepie10.
He says...
[ Laughter and applause ]
"'Cause I'm out of here, dude! I'm on the plane --
I'll be on the plane tomorrow this time."
-"I'm gonna call in sick. Lates!"
-This one's from @PeeJayKII.
He says...
[ Laughter and applause ] -Oh. Come on.
-Well, not bad. Not bad.
-Forced him to eat an Edible Arrangement?
-This last one's here is from @Fairfield-Duke.
-Knock it out of the park!
-He says...
[ Laughter and applause ] There you go. Never looked back.
There you have it. Those are our "Tonight Show" Hashtags.
To check out more of our favorites, go to...
[ Cheering and applause ] -♪ Hashtags ♪
♪♪
-Now, I thought I'd share some of my favorite
#MyBadLuck stories from you guys.
This first one's from @SaneMomOfMany.
[ Laughter ] She says...
[ Ohhs and applause ]
-Just reading your ticket?
"My gosh! I got all my numbers that I chose...
from the week before." Yeah, that's your ticket.
This one's from @anjlfan.
She says...
[ Laughter and applause ]
"That's pretty realistic. That's pretty realistic.
She looks like she's in pain." -"She's like really crying
real tears." -"Oh, man.
She looks like she's really in pain, man."
-"That looks like real blood!"
[ Laughter ]
-This one's from @Bear-Noey.
-Bear-Noey? -He says...
[ Laughter and applause ] -Aww. Hey.
-That's kind of cute. -Bear-Noey.
-This one's from @SonjaDay11.
She says...
[ Laughter and applause ] It's like..."Bathtub?"
[ Applause ]
-[ Laughs ] -Um...
This one's from @SlurpeeGirl.
-Uh-oh. -She says...
[ Laughter and applause ]
[ Cheering ]
-[ Laughing ] God.
"Why am I so sick?"
-"It doesn't taste that spicy!"
Oh, yeah. You're eating Teflon.
This one's from @JudeRee.
She says...
[ Laughter and applause ] -Sure.
-Come on, dude. -Come on.
That's not "a ham slap."
-That's worse than a bird pooping.
Yeah, exactly. It's much worse.
-Maybe it was poop.
[ Laughter ]
Giant ham seagull.
[ Slap! ]
[ Laughter ]
That's what it sounds like.
[ Laughter ]
Last one is from @Colby Baroned.
He says...
[ Laughter and applause ]
There you go. [ Rimshot ]
There you have it. Those are our "Tonight Show" Hashtags.
To check out more of our favorites, go to...