So I…had never heard of Ghost Lion. Based on what we’ve all just seen, I was probably
better off having never heard of Ghost Lion. But here’s what happened. A couple months
ago, we got a package from our good friend Mary from Westbrook, Maine, and…hey, I’ll
be honest, there was other stuff in that package…but I have no idea what what it was.
I didn’t even notice it was there.
Because all I saw when I opened that box…was that poster. See that? That’s not a lie,
that was my actual reaction when I first laid eyes on the splendor and majesty of Ghost
Lion. And hey, did I know what it was? No, not a f*cking clue. The better question is,
“Did I care?”
No. No, I didn’t.
When you see something like that, you don’t ask questions. You just go with your instincts.
And if you have the right instincts, your instincts are to play the goddamn game. If
your instincts also involve arranging candles with the planetary alignment and reading the
instruction manual backwards, hey, never question instinct.
And never question Ghost Lion, for the Nintendo Entertainment System.
Hey, speaking of the instructions, they offer unto you the Legend of the Ghost Lion. Which
is where the plot thickens. ‘Cause it turns out the chick on the cover? You know, the
hot one who looks like a 1980s workout lady, only with a sword and a pet f*cking lion?
Well, her name is Maria, and her parents have gone missing. Now, I mean, in this day and
age…
With this economy…
I mean, could Maria be a college grad who can’t find a job and still lives with her
parents? Yes, absolutely, and I’ll continue to think that regardless. Because otherwise,
she’s like, seven years old. And that’s weird, because she’s, like…got a 7-out-of-10
rack. So I’m all conflicted inside, which is the entire purpose of Ghost Lion. You know
how I know that?
‘Cause the Legend of the Ghost Lion ends with this. “You must courageously guide
Maria on her journey of discovery.”
And that sounds like the plot of a porno.
So Ghost Lion only exists to confuse you, and the theme continues when you’re finally
comfortable enough to turn it on and give it a peek. Phrasing. Because of all the things
you might reasonably expect Ghost Lion to be, based on the lion, and the sports bra,
and Jane Fonda…it’s actually the thing you’d least expect it to be.
It’s a turn-based RPG.
If you expected that, raise your hand. So we can all see who the goddamn liars are.
So if you’re familiar with RPGs…especially NES RPGs, Dragon Warrior in particular…you’ll
be comfortable with Ghost Lion. Or as comfortable as Ghost Lion allows you to be. This is actually
a pretty standard RPG, in terms of its design. You start off at a fairy fountain, you walk
on the overworld map, monsters randomly attack you…you take turns stabbing each other.
One wonders if the monsters are as conflicted about Maria as the rest of us.
Nonetheless, Maria’s weapons are also magical, which is a unique and interesting twist you
rarely see in RPGs. They can summon spirits that fight alongside her, spirits that are
and are not helpful. Much like the cover of the game. Doesn’t help you discern what
the game is, whatsoever…but also helpful, in other ways.
So it’s weird. Ghost Lion isn’t at all what you’d expect…until you see what it
is, and then it’s everything you’d expect. But on occasion, it does go back to surprising
to. For example, this is an RPG…in which you don’t really “level up.” I mean,
you can find special items that increase your health…but there’s no XP, or stats…and
in fact, the only thing you get from battles is money. And without a sense of progression,
they get really boring after a while.
Which sucks, because Ghost Lion is actually well done. The battle system is solid, the
game plays well, and looks good…but really, the only chance you have to increase your
health is to explore, and since you never level up or anything, that means you’re
also gonna lose health along the way. Like, a lot of it. So the whole thing’s like a
big catch 22, you know?
You have to fight a ton of enemies, but fighting enemies doesn’t help you.
You’re super f*cking hot, but you’re also super f*cking six.
You’re not making this easy, Ghost Lion.
I’ll tell you what, though. Even with the repetitive enemies, and rewardless battles,
and the women’s clothing…it’s kind of easy to like Ghost Lion. I mean, is it a generic
RPG? Yes, it’s as generic as it gets. But it’s got a certain charm that’s, just…it’s
hard to explain. Maybe it’s the weird inconsistencies with the weird packaging, and the weird…horror,
twists…
But I’m telling you, I had fun with Ghost Lion.
And I think Ghost Lion had fun with me. Phrasing. Thanks for introducing us, Mary, to the magical,
sexual, terrifying world…of Ghost Lion, for the Nintendo Entertainment System.